FEELING GOOD ! The What, How, Where, When, etc. of It?

Actualism
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Thanks for your reply Miguel! t illuminated several aspects that had not been considered with such precision.

as you did not include a third option: not to quit and feel good anyway…

Well that’s exactly the option i’ve been choosing, but without success.

Suppose then that you have also tried for too long to feel better in that job but it has not worked because you cannot yet feel good in such a hostile environment given your current ability/capacity, but because of fear (e.g. of instability and lower income) you have also not been able to make the decision to change your job.

So, perhaps that difficulty in feeling good more often and perhaps an underlying resentment could be rooted in a part of you feeling that you should succeed in not feeling stressed, anxious, angry or sad in that circumstance, but another part of you feeling that you should change the circumstance itself.

This is an almost anatomical description of the situation. What can be done? I have certainly wanted to convince myself that I should manage to feel good despite this environment/circumstances, etc. But I have not achieved it in 7 years (from 2019 to date practicing AF, which to tell the truth, has helped me a lot not to collapse). I keep ruminating…

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Something I’ve found useful in situations like these is noting that I feel ‘trapped,’ that no option feels like a good option.

This is an impossible situation, because I’m thinking that to go left is scary because of ‘x,’ and going right is scary because of ‘y.’ So I just sit, paralyzed. But that’s no good!

We’re alive only this once on this earth, Jesus! How can we spend that one life in the position of paralysis? There is always a good option, or at the least an option that is preferable over some other option. It’s well worth keeping looking until you can make your best guess about what that option is, and go for it - whole-heartedly.

Perhaps we will find that the option we chose didn’t work out very well, but what can be done about that? Being omniscient is only a fantasy - we work with what we have. And the nice thing about doing things is, that we learn from them. The next time, you’ll have the benefit of making the decision from a more informed position.

It really is win-win :slight_smile:

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76

OK so to go into a little bit more detail about the sort of themes I investigated in order to reduce resentment towards work. I will need to stay somewhat general as I sometimes forget this is a public forum now :zipper_mouth_face: I got excited to ‘spill the beans’ yesterday but then I realised it might not be the best idea :laughing:

The main thing I noticed is that my resentment towards work all revolved around power, the unfairness I was experiencing was because I felt I was always the looser within the power hierarchy. Both me vs customer and me vs boss, that is the way the structure is set up, this is my role vs their role.
Yet none of this stuff is actual, and this can be seen. All those power battles only exist because of my belief in the various roles and the values that make them up.

The first thing I did was realise that I am going to continue doing my job and that it does not make sense to continue getting triggered every day. This meant I had to stop justifying my resentment and turn the focus inward 100%. If I am going to be happy and harmless I have to do it even around disgruntled customers or stern bosses.
It does not mean that I ‘accept them’, or ‘look for the positive’ it means that the focus is on how am I experiencing this moment of being alive?, not them!

The next thing was to begin looking at that whole emotional landscape which was responsible for me getting triggered and there is a lot of themes to investigate :

  • There was the beliefs around my role as the ‘servant’, that old adage of ‘the customer is always right’
  • There was the resentment for ‘having to feel their frustration’ phone call after phone call (this one took probably the longest to improve)
  • There was the resentment for ‘having to accept responsibility’ and apologise for things that are completely out of my control
  • There was lots more but this is the gist of it.

The cool thing is that the above seemed set in stone, for example the 2nd one of feeling their frustration. It seemed as if it was a cause-effect sort of relationship so of course my resentment was easily justified.
Until I questioned deeper and saw that as always it is all to do with my beliefs around the subject.

Sorry that I cannot write more but I hope some of this helps to get the process started for you @jesus.carlos.
Of course our work situations might be a lot different, I can only comment on my experience but I can confidently say that work nowadays does not cause any significant dips in my baseline, I am generally feeling good each moment over and sometimes even dipping into excellent. For example yesterday I spent about 2 hours behind my computer at work having a very extraordinary experience, I think it was an EE.
When dealing with disgruntled customers nowadays I am able to remain somewhat matter of fact, and I do not mean cold but rather able to get on with the task without feeling personally/emotionally attacked, and feeling good whilst going about it.

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77

Yesterday I was repeating internally “enjoying and appreciating this moment” and I was able to feel good for more than an hour. I was also very aware of how I was feeling and would notice the slightest fluctuations in feelings. ( I know that you have advised not to use EAATMOBA into a mantra !)

So if I am not feeling good, then I do the “how am I experiencing this moment of being alive”, and
feel my feelings at current time as they are happening, and stay with the feelings until they pass.
So then maybe I can feel good again?

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78

FrankN : “So if I am not feeling good, then I do the “how am I experiencing this moment of being alive”, and
feel my feelings at current time as they are happening, and stay with the feelings until they pass.
So then maybe I can feel good again?”

@FrankN: My understanding is if one is not feeling good and asks haietmoba and feels their feelings then is the time to ask when did I last feel good and what happened to make me not feel good.

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79

Hi everyone, I am so glad that you guys are here and post everyday ( or often), this is
like oxygen for me. Because I have been getting to feel some of my feelings and
it’s been difficult to say the least. I come to the verge of panic and despair, even though
nothing is happening to cause that ( i was saying to myself, " see there is no enemy, or outside force, but I am the enemy of me") . Then I see claudiu’s response to leila and get a sense of
being kind and friend with myself.

I am feeling better( slightly sub neutral) now and going to do some more EAATMOBA .

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I have had a lot of “memories” pop up into my head, about events that
produced shame and resentment … these memories seems to come from
nowhere and at I did not know what to do with them; I never thought they would
pop up like this. Maybe now that I am allowing my feelings to come up, these
memories pop up as they are backed up and triggered by those events in the past.

However the feelings associated with these memories are very intense and I want to
run away from them. I can manage to feel these feelings, but I want to not to remember
the past and not to re-live these memories,

So basically how does an actualist handle memories of theme or events that are
causing a lot of bad feelings ?

I “know” that I have to “own” these feelings and allow
them to be experienced, but i don’t think that doing this would
make these feelings go away!

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@FrankN By looking the issues do go away, but it has to be done with the ‘right’ spirit. That whole emotional structure which is causing you issues needs to be explored and investigated fully, this can often be daunting but it can be done.
By looking with curiosity and by allowing yourself to feel these emotions fully (neither expressing nor repressing) you are applying awareness-cum-attentiveness to these underlying emotional structures, over time this leads to change.

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May be this example can be useful: Miguel

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thanks Kuba, your writing is always inspirational and very helpful, and also, could you please look at your “notes” from 2 years ago, and
share any of them that you think would be helpful for practicing actualist ??

Also thank you Miguel, I read your post, it is comforting, but it is going to
take a lot of “openness” and “sincerity” ( and maybe time)
to be able to do what you have done.

:appreciation:

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@FrankN Sorry I’m not sure which notes from 2 years ago you are referring to? I’ve always written in a diary as a way to assist with investigation but those are very much ‘stream of consciousnesses’ style writings, I don’t think they would be much use to anyone tbh :joy:

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Hey Kuba, maybe you could give a few example of the stream of consciousnesses’ style writings, in somewhat of detailed way :smile:

I wanna see how that works toward investigation !

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It’s a style of writing that @henryyyyyyyyyy often uses in his journal eg -Journal de Henry - #215 by henryyyyyyyyyy

Where the purpose of writing is more to jot down whatever is currently happening in the psyche rather than composing some well written piece.

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For me personally I often use this style of writing throughout the day if there is an issue that comes up and I have a few spare minutes, I always found that physically writing something down helps me to focus on the issue at hand. So really the purpose of this kind of writing is not to be read but to help with the process of investigation.

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For me it’s the same. Writing something down can make certain things clear. I sometimes look back at those, but very rarely.

A little tip from my side: When you are within a PCE, or an EE take your phone out and record it. Talk to yourself from the “other side” so to speak. It has helped me very much, because the video captures some of the atmosphere and magic of the situation. Try it out. It may suit you.

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89

Hi everyone. I have not seen a lot ( if any that I remember, except for Vinetoo’s description of her HAIETMOBA, she wrote that she would notice everything including sensations in her body) of
discussion or mention of Physical sensations felt in our body as a result of feelings.
For example, a ball a the lower belly with fear and dread, a tightness in the chest with anxiety, etc.

How the awareness (and if) of those physical sensations are used in actualism practice ?

Would anyone be able to shed some light on this subject ?

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My experience with physical sensations has been that they are sometimes useful for noticing emotions occurring, but the gold standard is the intuitive feeling of the emotion itself, which is not necessarily linked to awareness of any physical sensation.

These physical sensations can get pretty weird when it comes to extreme emotions, a good time to notice their workings, notice if you panic because of the weirdness, etc. Invariably, they will settle out & it will be as if nothing has happened if they’re allowed to flow. It’s useful to remember to neither express nor repress.

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Thank you henryyyyy.

Another question :
Someone wrote: investigations on anger in your journal seemed to me like they were done whilst in the throes of the feeling. In my experience, such investigations ( while feeling anger ) are targeted at getting rid of the feeling rather than trying to understand it. One thing we always say here is to get back to feeling good, or at least let the feeling subside by not expressing or repressing it. The only thing you can do then is to feel it fully.

My question: The only thing you can do then is to feel it fully. Is this after getting to neutral or feeling good or while feeling that bad feeling ?

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This is one of the high lights of yesterdays 6 hours video chat with geoffrey:
I am paraphrasing and just trying to get across the main ideas as far as I understood them,
so bring your own Salt Shaker with you :slightly_smiling_face:

I asked geoffrey about “feeling good” and
He said you have to have Intent - then somehow explained that Intent means you
have to want something with ALL OF YOUR BEING ( this same process would be necessary to
give up any addictions, chemical or psychological, including suffering and malice ).

But what does All of Your Being means, it means or I better say, it requires, that YOU ARE NOT SPLIT ( Dissociated into several emotional parts within yourself ) , then and only then, when you are Whole ( not split) you can even : want it [ feeling good, actual freedom ] with ALL ( Whole ) of YOUR BEING.

But, but, but … to make yourself Whole, you have to start with an utmost Sincerity, which allows you
to see all parts of yourself ( even the ones that you did not want to see or did not know you had, because they hide so well) without being judgmental and moralistic, hence, being most benevolent
towards yourself in this process. And after this Fusion of different part of the split self via Sincerity, then and only then a genuine Intent ( commitment) can be made, otherwise with a split self, that Intent would be meaningless ( because “All of You” could not have been ‘onboard’ with that decision/Intent/Commitment etc. to begin with ).

What was also surprising, was that the same Intent ( with "All of Your Being - and that is your Nonsplit being ) is needed across all steps of actualism practice, all the way to self immolation. Not only at the beginning, so you can allow ( I like Elgin’s word for this better, Agree ) for “feeling good” to surface,
then causing EAATMOBA to occur ( by your Agreement also) each moment again.

And when you get to a more advanced stage, like geoffrey in 2017, having had many PCEs and
still “hitting the wall” trying to self immolate; he realized that his Intent ( All of His Being ) was not onboard, because "a part of him = split " was believing that “he” could do it in a special way by trying
“harder”. So when he saw the 2017 “chat” with Richard and Vineeto ( done by Alan and Dona ) he heard them ( R&V) repeatedly mention commitment to feeling good. And I think he realized that the same commitment ( INTENT ) with All of His Being was needed to go further from his then current stage.

And the same commitment, INTENT, becomes obviously even more necessary around the process of self immolation, because that is the trickiest and riskiest part for the identity to Agree (allow) upon, with All of It’s Being.

///////////////////////////////////////////
So a new comer reads a few pages on Actualism, and it feels good and it makes sense.
So he or she decides to give it a try.
But he can not find “Sincere Intent” , because he needs to be Sincere first before he can
have Intent. But if he or she can become sincerity ( not just have sincerity, as Richard said)
things will move along fairly steadily.

So to beat the dead horse : Your have to start with the most Basic Requirement for
Actual Freedom and that is SINCERITY … Then you can Agree to the rest along the way
including Intent, Naivete , EEs, PCEs and ultimately Actual Freedom from human condition.

But you have to start with Sincerity ( while being benevolent towards yourself and your findings
about yourself along the way, so as to unsplit yourself with what you find about yourself ).

I think the SINCERITY, checks to see if your Intent is genuine ( clean and pure ) or not, all along
the process of Actualism Practice.

For the beginner especially, this SINCERITY must include allowing and accepting of any and
all emotional unpleasantries that may surface, and accepting them gladly and non judgmentally
as “gifts” given to us by our psyche, so we can begin to get rid of or weaken these very
unwanted and disturbing emotions that we have ironically been running away form all our lives.

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93

Thanks alot for this post. It really hits home with me - this subject of sincerity.

This also reminded me how I once stoped smoking. I had many failures behind me and at one point in my 30’s I realized that I acctually smoked because a part of me wanted to smoke - no matter my feelings of guilt/anxiety of it being harmful and bad etc. I back then came to see myself as two persons; one part that wanted to smoke and one that was feeling guilty/anxious about it. I understood that I had to end the conflict within and fortified with this realization I thus decided to let the smoker have his way “until he felt completely done smoking”.

From that point I just smoked… and whatever bad feelings connected to this occupation I just saw them slowly subside to the fact that it was impossible to kick the habit without the WHOLE of me being on board. I thus kept on smoking every cigarette with utter sincerity - consciously focused on each cigarette and each and every inhalations for about two months… so that the smoker I was would really have an quality experience. I even stoped thinking much about my approach as having an end to it.

Then one day, when I had been out running. I had come home and entered the shower and while I stood there covering myself in shower cream - suddenly and from out of nowhere this sentence entered my mind (totally unrelated to what I was doing):

“I don’t want to smoke anymore.”

And I quit right then and there… And it was so rediculously easy, no craving, no nothing at all - not even a trace of a thought of wanting a ciggarette. I just quit right then and there and moved on with my life.

Now, I acctually started smoking again a year later, simply because I wanted to see if I could get addicted again after such an experience. I thought maybe I’d become immune to this addiction (I had all sorts of ideas [beliefs] connected to this expereince) Haha, of course I wasn’t immune and there was no magic behind my experience. I once again became a smoker. Now, I don’t smoke anymore but I use a vape and I love it and I have no intention of kicking this habit.

Now this has me thinking about the method and my own difficulties of asking HAIETMOBA and applying the method in each and every moment; my constant falling of the horse and losing whatever sincerity I thought I had (I run with it for a few months and then something happens and I slip back into my old ways).

I just need to accept this and let whatever sincerity be lost when I experience it as lost. I have to make no big deal about ‘my slips’ and I need to be as relaxed with falling of the horse as sitting upon it - I just need to be conscious and pay it a little attention - and I must also accept when I have failed to be attentive. The action of picking up the thread where I lost it should be done as if - no time has passed - between the application of the method and the non application of the method. I should get back upon the horse as if I had always been applying the method without falling of the horse in the first place (make no emotional fuzz about it). Even if this means I’m only able to apply the method for 1 minute a day with complete and utter sincerity.

Oh, yeah, whatever I feel; good, bad or whatever and in relation to my ‘quit smoking experience’: I feel whatever I feel because I want to feel that way (just as I wanted to smoke). There is no way around this. How I feel is my choice at all times. Thus there’s no point feeling bad because of feeling bad (it’s just silly). I just need to be [want] each and every feeling with utter sincerity. I mean I know why I have failed getting anywhere… I have failed because I don’t want to apply the method (when I’m not applying it) and having this break from actualism must be as okey as the times when I feel engaged. I must be as sincere about living out my old patterns as those brief moments of wanting to become a happier person.

As a matter of fact, rather than wanting change, I’m so much more comfortable feeling, thinking and walking down the same old trodden path - that I’ve been walking upon for so long. Most of the time I want to stay as I am. Most of the time I have no desire to change at all… and I acctually need to be utterly sincere about it.

So please guys… don’t ever make the misstake of seeing me as some sort of acutalist, when most of the time I’m just being this old fart - unwilling to change and stuck in my old ways. :rofl:

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