una buena medida para ver lo mucho que se ha achicado el “yo”, es lo tranquilo que me sentí al ver perder hoy a la selección. Me habría quedado totalmente sin voz hace dos mundiales.
There is no riddle.
If you can choose to be free, do it. No one will even notice.
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You’re right, we just keep making excuses
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Espiritualista, espiritualista! Que amargado se te ve! Richard es más grande, es más grande que buddha!
I read this after your loss to Saudi Arabia today, made me chuckle more sorry lol.
This is definitely a tricky area to explore…for me personally, there is much sorrow and dread associated with not having that feeling connection with my children. There is much to learn in how we tick, as regards the instinctual behaviours and narratives we create as regards our relationships with our children.
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Couldn’t agree more. I think altruism and the deep sinking in of the fact that identity is responsible for all the wars, murders, rapes, domestic violence, child abuse, suicides and so on is what will do the trick. But yeah…
Una MUY buena medida de su achicamiento la obtendrías entonces experimentando tus sentimientos si la selección quedara eliminada.
Pero LA MEJOR medida la obtendrías experimentando tus sentimientos si ganara la copa…
Los sentimientos malos al menos son aversivos… 
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Totalmente de acuerdo 
From where I am looking now I just can’t see how it would be anything other than immensely beneficial for your children if you were actually free.
It would be an actual 100%, 24/7 impossible-to-shut-off thoroughly immaculate and actual caring and consideration, always fully taking into account everything possible in every interaction with them, never being emotionally tired or exhausted, never needing to withdraw, never getting angry, peeved, annoyed or even mildly irritated, always being able to fully be there 100% with no downside whatsoever. What can be the fear, sorrow, and dread you have?? 
I think the issue is that you are imagining a lack of feeling connection and this leads to fear, dread, and sorrow, but if instead you rememorate a PCE or intimacy experience while considering your children, the ambiance thus presentiated will be a more accurate guide as to what it would actually be like.
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I read this in Richards voice 
Definitely, I don’t disagree with that, especially as a parent who constantly avoids things, i.e. procrastinates in general and doesn’t partake in certain social experiences and sometimes feels overwhelmed with just practical things in life, like trying to do my daughters hair in a style for her lol. Not being overwhelmed by these neuroses would be of great benefit to them. As well as the anger and harmful behaviour that inevitably slips out when in normal mode, in day to day actions. As I have mentioned before, much of the worse of my behaviour towards them directly relates to things my dad was most aggressive and harsh to me about. These learned behaviours.
Yes of course, this is obviously the case, play out the hypothetical and feel the reaction. This talking voice inside my head. As has been my negative, risk averse habit throughout my life since increased awareness. This type of playing out scenarios I have been habitually doing since 10 years old with ever increased intensity. I can see very much how such a thinking habit/style put me in a position to be more vulnerable to anxiety and depression. Like a need to play out all eventualities in my head before ever doing anything. Be prepared for all possible forms of hurt/harm. I am making progress mind you but some days are better than others.
It is easier to see the feasibility of that when in more felicitous states. It has been a pretty rough patch lately, after a consistent period of felicity.
Were you able to find out what precipitated this rough patch?
Sure, as with times before, it seems ok when I have a single stressor at a time but when multiple stressors hit me at once it is like I get overloaded, overwhelmed. I have basically had the following problems:
- Work has been increasingly more difficult and stressful. Complex projects and more conflict with management and clients.
- More conflict with my wife and potentially at the point of splitting up. Clashes as regards her spirituality and my atheism. Clashes regarding how we want to raise the kids and what we want to do with our futures.
- More stress caused by the increased cost of living, including increase in interest rates here in UK affecting my existing debt from period of poor mental health when I didn’t transfer over to 0%. Still unable to get 0% transfers despite excellent credit score for 3 years now. Gas and electric for example has jumped from £78 a month to £260.
- Massive tax bills, and new laws meaning I will be paying even more tax within the next year, adding to the difficulty in repaying debts, inc Student Loan.
- Multiple weeks of all 3 of my kids being ill and hospital trips and the like.
- Multiple problems in the house with things breaking at a time we can’t easily afford to fix and replace things.
- Exacerbation of my mum’s Alzheimer’s and newer problems with her mobility.
- My wife had to go back to work due to increase cost of living but that means there is even more for me also to have to chip in with as regards food prep and cleaning so my time is constantly under stress.
- I have not been sleeping very well lately.
It has been an interesting and challenging few months. I thought I was at some point where I couldn’t regress but obviously got that wrong. On the plus side, I am not beating myself up about it anymore, not attacking myself in that way that would make it even harder to get back to felicitous states.
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Yeah it’s interesting because I have kind of arranged my life to be as stress free as possible, this is always what I wanted.
So I don’t have a career that I need to put a ton of work into, I don’t have children, I’m not married, I don’t really have anything that you could traditionally call a responsibility/obligation.
I do remember whenever things start to rack up eg like a few months ago when I bought a flat, bought a dog and had my car break all at once. I remember how my sense of security and ease all of a sudden started crumbling which I was very surprised by.
That makes sense and sounds ideal. In the days of being single, before a partner or family, I definitely had a similar approach.
My career at first, I intentionally worked in the public sector then the not for profit sector at first as less stress and easier environments. Though the need for money and debt problems forced me to have to work more and take more risks in this regard. I have achieved a lot and faced a lot of fears on the way though, so it has been useful as well.
Yes, I recall you bringing this up. At that time, I was in a really felicitous and positive place and I recall noticing that reading your issues didn’t bum me out or affect my felicitous states, as it may have done in the past.
Tell you what though the spanner in the works which is responsible for the stress is what Peter calls the ‘what if syndrome’ I think that’s a brilliant name for it. It is that ongoing stream of neurotic, fear-fuelled thought.
As you mentioned it will go through every possibility and affectively experience each one of those imagined hells as some twisted way of preparing one for this thing happening lol.
What I found was that as always I simply went from A to B and things went just fine. Meanwhile ‘I’ was jumping from one doomsday scenario to the other and trying to prepare for them all. What happened in actuality was that the next obvious step was taken at each turn and that was it! As has been happening my entire life.
Yes, I remember reading this very early in my AF days and it immediately struck a chord with me. I believe a big part of anxiety can be powered by this neurotic behaviour. It also ties into sorrowful behaviour and regret, what if I did this, what if this happened, etc.
Yes, it is hard. To stop this constant preparation for doomsday, or to not accept the fact or the events that are happening. I am invested in wanting a different outcome rather than the accept the facts of the events that are happening. I still have this conflict and risk aversive personality…it doesn’t help really. I can see what I really want is the conditional events to be like this:
- No difficult work encounters or stress.
- No conflict with my wife.
- No stress from cost of living and to be debt free.
- No big tax bills.
- My kids never being ill.
- Nothing in my house breaking or only breaking when I have spare money.
- My mum not having Alzheimers and not having decreased mobility.
- Not having to do so much around the house…where the fuck are the robots???
- Sleeping well.
When I look at it this way, I can see which of these desired outcomes are feasible and which are out of my control. I feel better about the ones in my control naturally, such as working on a debt plan to clear debts, I am getting there slowly but surely.
I can see in this way, I am defining some form of conditional happiness, where x, y and z must be happening for me to be able to be ok. The problem is the emotional reactions to emotional stressors a, b and c happening instead of conditional happiness events x, y and z then makes me suffer more and takes me further away from felicity.
I am slowly getting back to a better baseline again at least, as I said, it has taken longer than recent but that is ok, it takes what it takes.
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I thought something a little different here, I wonder if this could offer a new angle. Because when I read this list I thought “I wonder if there is a common thread underlying the points”? And it seems there is.
Could it be that wanting the conditional things is actually sort of a cover up? Could it be that what you actually desire is the end of anxiety itself? To be carefree. Because as much as the list has various requirements, the underlying theme is you wish to be free from anxiety.
And there is only 1 way to be free from anxiety, it cannot be from fulfilling the conditions because it is anxiety itself driving the conditions.
Could it be that ‘fulfilling the conditions’ is somewhat of a misguided way of reaching that which you actually desire - the end of anxiety itself.