After reading Kuba and Sonya’s experiences today (Kub933's Journal - #2360 by Kub933) I figured I should add mine.
I went back to practice this week, but I had very little fun with my lesson yesterday evening. I’ve started extracting myself from some music stuff since I noticed there was very little enjoyment in it, and on my way home from the lesson I started pondering whether I’d just have to give it all up eventually. I enjoyed a lot of the music we listened to during the convivium, but producing it is connected to a lot of anxiety for me, especially when solo playing (organ, piano etc).
This morning I started going through some of the material I have for an application early next year, and while playing something or other I asked whether I could actually have fun instead… and boom. Out of the right corner of my eye came immense enjoyment at playing and just moving my hands over the keyboard. It was just so much fun! The anxiety I felt just a few moments before was completely gone, replaced by curiosity and joy. Where would my hands take me? What amazing sounds that came out of my Nord! I dropped all control and just let whatever motor skills I’ve developed over the years take over. Suddenly it was all enjoyable, I didn’t care whether I made mistakes since those could be corrected and it was such an enjoyment to correct them. The moment passed, but now I’d established that maybe, just maybe, it might be possible for me to make even this part of my life enjoyable beyond what I thought possible. I tried it again this afternoon and realised that dropping the control was almost the most fun part. I’ve started making inroads to the question whether ‘I’ am actually needed for music. Normally I play and sing with a very strong emotional drive and so far it seems like I really don’t need it. Things sound better without it, even my way of hitting the keys was different.
During my lunch walk I didn’t have that many experiences, but towards the end while making my way home I remember feeling immense joy over the thought of engaging with life 100%, without having to hide away… and the thought brought in the trees and the path I was walking on into technicolor and vibrancy, and I felt myself receding. While going “can I perhaps allow this?” it seems I shut off a bit though, so I’ll have to find some other way.