Here’s a thought! On two recent occasions I have explored the fear of dying and discovered the absolute dread of not ‘being’. This “wall of fear” is the same same whether ‘I’ face it physically, as I experienced it recently, or through self immolation which I have explored previously. Bodes well :grin::grin:

Hi Alan - while it is still somewhat fresh, would you mind sharing a bit your recent explorations into the fear and absolute dread surrounding not ‘being’ by way of physical death? How did you navigate or manage those two recent occasions?

I presume those occasions arose involuntarily on account of unwelcome circumstances (as I recall to mind your medical condition). In the end, to what do you attribute the cessation of the dread you were experiencing on those occasions?

Was is it the circumstances that changed? Was there a shift in perspective of the circumstances which brought the relief? Was it an unwavering intent to feel good come-what-may? Is it that the fearful energy simply wore itself out? Something humorous, fascinating, or delightful you observed that brightened your outlook? Something else?

I wonder because a few months ago I was involuntarily thrust into that dread when unfortunate circumstances developed and was only released from the all-consuming terror when those circumstances mercifully dissipated. I recognize my present vulnerability in this regard and know that it is only a matter of time, likely soon, when I will be sent involuntarily into that profound unrelenting, primal fear again. It is interesting how even though I can recall to mind that dreadful experience, I cannot (or dare not) voluntarily access those visceral emotions experientially to explore them again.


Good idea Rick. I will write something and reply. As an experiential realisation, it has incredible importance.

Yes, would be good to hear more @Alanji

Here’s what I’ve got so far. Not well written (that concentration :rofl:) but I wanted to get something down while fresh.

I cannot recall the exact circumstances leading up to both experiences. The result however was the experience of fear – fear of dying, accompanied by expressing some aspects, crying for example. When Dona pointed this out to me, rather than continue to express it or suppress it, I realised I had a great opportunity to ‘go beyond’ the fear and explore what it might be to ‘not be’. On one of the occasions I said out loud “USE IT”. And I did. I went beyond the fear of dying to the absolute dread of not being. Fear no longer existed (or was so minimised as to be meaningless). This was the absolute impossibility, the unthinkable (nay, the unknowable) of the possibility of ‘me’ no longer existing - worse, never having existed. No heart palpitations (as has occurred previously) no sweating. An observation – there is no way to go through that dread, that existential angst, it is not just impenetrable, it can’t be imagined.
There was a realisation that this dread was occasioned by the fear of physically dying. I had previously explored the dread of not being occasioned by contemplating ‘my’ self-immolation. ‘Not being’ is exactly the same, whether it be caused by physical death or psychic elimination.

I am not quite getting, experientially, the importance of this realisation (I get it intellectually)despite Vineeto pressing its importance to me.

Perhaps relevant, for the last several Weeks/months I have found myself on more and more frequent occasions shedding tears at something showing on the television. I realised that the tears were caused by scenes which portrayed the “best” of humanity. ‘I’ wanted to believe that humanity was worth saving.

Thank you for taking the time and energy to tell us more about it, Alan. If I may ask your clarification on a point:

Can you identify what it was that brought that absolute dread of not being to an end on either of those occasions, to where fear no longer existed (or was so minimised as to be meaningless)?

Sure Rick. In many ways it’s a lot easier when people ask questions.

It wasn’t a case of dread coming to an end and fear no longer existing. it was going past (beyond?) the fear which took me to the dread.

So the dreadful episode came to an end at some point as presumably you are not at this time experiencing dread. Can you identify what it was, or what the circumstances were, that caused that dread to no longer be? In other words, what interrupted it or caused it to dissipate?