Different types of feeling experiences, external control

Actualism
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I was experiencing last night a feeling that i hadn’t experienced in a while.

My ex and I spent a lot of time together over the last two days, and i slept over twice. And when i say “slept”, i mean sleep. Which was what she wanted.

It was actually very cool to be naive in this situation. I was obviously sharing some of the cool things i had discovered, talking about naivete (which was great, because to me now, the actualism method IS “am i experiencing this moment with naivete?”.

Anyway, to the point. I was feeling a lot more desire towards her than i had over the previous year. The experience of being naive in relation to attraction, my own looks, and the fact she is objectively attractive, was quite powerful.

While lying in bed, trying to sleep, my chest was experiencing a very familiar burning desire. One i knew very well from marriage, and the engagement a few years ago.

I have never been very precise about this experience. Obviously, it is a type of frustration around sexual desire, but it is a very different type of feeling compared to sadness.

It’s a “full on” vagus nerve storm. Very chest centred. Which had me thinking about desire.

Wouldn’t it make more sense, if it is 100% sexual, for it to be a feeling in my loins? (to use a old old term :wink:).

Also, it is very removed from my ego centre in the brain. Sadness and crying, is an experience which points far more to “my feelings are me”. This experience feels outside of ‘me’.

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Which makes me think that there is a whole other set of feelings, beliefs, expectations, and so on, all “removing” this feeling from being a normal emotional experience.

If i am to use the terms correctly, this is a feeling that is very ‘physical’ ; respecting the perspective that the ‘physical’ is also ‘me’.

So, being naive towards this feeling, it’s clear that a feeling being can “split off” feelings into ones that seem to be more ‘me’ and less ‘me’.

More investigation needed.

The initial impression i get is that it’s a type of anger, and impotent anger. There is an expectation that if someone is attracted to me then any opportunity to “get it on” would be taken.

So, it may just be that i am “out of my league” with her. She doesn’t find me as attractive as i find her, allowing her to essentially, play with my desire. This would make sense, as my ex wife, ex “nearly” wife, and her are all beautiful women (objectively).

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This probably should have been a journal entry. :joy:

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I just changed the title to include “external control”.

As this was an experience happening between two people, then i have to include the other in it’s creation.

It seems to line up;

Impotence: The feeling of being frustrated in a desire.
Control: The other is in control.

It’s actually now a bit clearer, that this “class” of feeling, to a different degree and experience, is also something i have at work.

The boss is in control.

Now, in both situations, i could leave. But, ultimately, only leaving the human condition could cure external control of my feelings (of ‘me’) by others.

At work, the answer was to play the role expected. To give caesar what is caesar’s. (to quote my old jewish peasant friend - the sweet lawn cheeses).

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I could take this approach with her.

Roll out the flowers. Pay for restaurants. Otherwise, “balance” the equation in her mind.

That equation being; Andrew is not enough on the attraction scale, Andrew must provide something else to make it a “fair” transaction.

Andrew could also kick the ball over the fence, throw his bike in the bush, and say; “enjoy the cats”.:rofl::bike::heart_eyes_cat:

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This has made me catch onto myself: ever the “good actualist,” I’ve always avoided love like the plague… therefore to ‘me’ it was all about sex, right?

Nope. A couple weeks ago it became clear: I was deeply in love, and all the sex and physical attraction was just fuel for the love.

Looks like you’ve found Yourself (the big one)

Ego vs. the soul. The ego seeks to contain, it’s a rickety cage built by humanity to direct a monster.

You can direct the anger toward developing more naivete/motivation toward freedom. For me it looked like, “I have wasted my life, and no one can make me waste my life anymore.”

This is not as solid/permanent as you think. My experiences with my own partner are all over the place: sometimes she is the attractive dominant one, sometimes I am. The real play in attraction is energetic.

Naivete is: what is happening, now?

Rather than the self: “I want ‘x’ outcome”

Naivete, happiness, harmlessness, are attractive attributes to most people. Though some have too much ‘self’ elsewhere to follow it. That’s for the best really lol

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