An update on this:
I think this was a useful exercise. I basically had gotten to the point where I wasn’t sure anymore what I sincerely thought was the case, and what I was maybe pretending like I think or what I believe rather than what I know. It’s interesting – on the one hand, having the path already laid out and described and all the reports available, it allows one to fool oneself into thinking they know something they don’t. On the other hand, not having that path laid out is clearly much harder – it took a few thousand years since civilization started for one human to become free, and only some years after that for the second (and the third, and the fourth…) So it’s certainly better to have the path laid out, but it has challenges that Richard didn’t (which is interesting!)
So in any case I decided to throw out anything I thought I knew and experientially walk through everything step by step and bit by bit, only proceeding when I was sure I knew what was the case. In computer terms I thought of it like an internal consistency check – making sure none of the bits within were ‘corrupted’.
The conclusion was basically that nothing changed haha, everything made sense from the tiniest bit and step onward:
- It feels good to feel good
- Enjoying & appreciating being alive is better than not
- …
What’s funny now is I don’t even remember exactly all the stuff I went through. I wish I had written about it at the time lol. But basically there was nothing new that came out of it, just an increased confidence that I wasn’t misleading myself.
As to:
I suspect this was part of it as, I started living my life again after, fully engaging with work and the people around me. A work trip was particularly helpful as I got to re-engage in person with my work partners, which was much more fun and motivating.
So I swung back from shirking work to doing a lot of work – and it was obvious that, firstly this was a lot more fun, and secondly that putting all my energy into work also was not a viable long-term solution. It’s just the other end of the spectrum, it’s almost like a hypo-manic vs hypo-depressive approach (nowhere near actual mania or depression, and I’m not a psychologist, but this is I think a reasonable albeit amateurish way to characterize it)
But what does certainly work and is much better, is actually fully engaging with life. Just doing the things that are obvious to be done. In a sense I see that in this regards it’s not ‘me’ doing more stuff, but ‘me’ getting out of the way to allow myself to do what makes sense, eg by having the work conversations I’ve been avoiding or bringing up issues with the company that I’ve been noticing. It’s basically more about not hampering the obvious from happening rather than ‘me’ actively doing more stuff (whereas the hypo-mania is indeed more about ‘me’ expending energy and digging into things more)
This is all a lot of fun to uncover, it’s literally uncovering how ‘I’ tick, what makes ‘me’ go – apparently being productive at work makes ‘me’ go much more than not being productive at work! And it would be a mistake to think I have to ‘choose’ being working and not progressing with actualism, vs. not working and progressing. Actually the best way to succeed with actualism is to fully engage with life, and Richard showed there’s no excuse to it even if one has a busy work schedule.
As to whether I am out-from-control or not, I do wonder about it at times, it does seem Kuba & I are experiencing the same thing, but it also seems different than how ‘Vineeto’ experienced it. That being said I’m fairly frequently reminded as to how different ‘I’ am now than before. Example I saw a show where someone was having a bad day, and they were like “oh it’s one of those days…” And I just realized I haven’t had a ‘bad day’ since I went out-from-control! I’ve had very intense days, yes, but nothing that happens actually has a long-lasting impact where I go into feeling of despair or circling around in resentment. It is really remarkable.
And actuality is always so close at hand, even if ‘I’ am anxiously ruminating about an issue, it can always rapidly turn into a near-pure experience if not a PCE outright.
So I always end up concluding that it is properly out-from-control haha.
That being said it is a bit strange as I would think being out-from-control is always about being naivete personified, but I don’t feel that way all the time. Perhaps @Vineeto can shed some light here.
Regardless of what it’s called, being more naive, as naive as I can be, does look like a very sensible step and something I can certainly do. It’s about giving up myself, those parts of me that want to still be serious, so that I can naively flourish instead, knowing it will lead to my ultimate demise.
What really makes this eminently sensible (and thus palatable) is knowing with confidence that anything that is actually important (as in needs doing), apperceptive consciousness can readily handle, indeed with far more care than I could muster. This was exemplified in a piquant manner the other day during a period of particular proximity to actuality, when I had finished curbing after my dog. With the dog’s waste product in the proper poop-bag receptacle, I then twisted the top of the bag, and wound it around to make a knot… and then when I pulled the bag through the knot-hole I thought to make the end flourish outward like as if of a flower blooming.
This was an effortless thought and physical gesture, that was done solely because of the sheer fun of doing it – and it was no burden to do it whatsoever! Normally when ‘I’ do things it’s a burden to ‘care’, because ‘I’ feel like ‘I’ care and ‘I’ have to put effort into execute this ‘caring’ action… but when nearly apperceptive there is essentially no burden at all, and of course when actually apperceptive there is actually no burden whatsoever.
In general there is no more thoughts or wondering ‘how’ to self-immolate, and there is continuing to be (and has not been for a while) any feeling of being ‘stuck’. What is running as a constant now is the “Do not hesitate!” anymore, and taking every opportunity that serendipitously presents itself to go forth into actuality/allow ‘myself’ to diminish to allow apperception to occur. Going about it all in as naive manner as possible ought only to increase the potency of this!
Cheers,
Claudiu