Claudiu's Journal

[Kub933]

Really interesting stuff Claudiu, I wonder how this aligns with my experience of the spiral which I was writing about in my journal recently. It is something that has been happening specifically since the 25 or so minute PCE I had about 6 months ago now.

It seems at that point a connection was made to that purity and mostly my experience since has been allowing that purity to whatever degree and then equally being habitually pulled back into depths of being, although nowadays ‘depths’ does not describe what is happening as it is more like the more remnant bits of being.

Most of the time even when being seeks to dominate there is a sense of the ridiculousness of the whole thing, because I can see that life is already perfect and yet ‘I’ look to hang on. Hang on for no good reason at all.

Lately what is becoming clear is that the only next step is to allow life to happen of its own accord, that purifying ‘myself’ further is counterproductive. The step is now to allow myself to exit the picture. The way ‘I’ do this each moment is to allow life to happen of its own accord, then it is seen that ‘I’ am no longer necessary aka the purity is allowed to be operant.

Reading your latest posts is giving me a kick from the backside to get this thing done and also a pulling from the front at the realisation that it must be possible to actually do it.

[claudiu]

@Kub933

It seems at that point a connection was made to that purity and mostly my experience since has been allowing that purity to whatever degree and then equally being habitually pulled back into depths of being, although nowadays ‘depths’ does not describe what is happening as it is more like the more remnant bits of being.

Most of the time even when being seeks to dominate there is a sense of the ridiculousness of the whole thing, because I can see that life is already perfect and yet ‘I’ look to hang on. Hang on for no good reason at all.

Yea!! Sounds exactly like it

I think what was confusing me at first is I believed that by experiencing the purity I wasn’t supposed to be able to feel bad anymore. So I was not allowing myself to feel it fully, trying to pretend I’m not when I was, which was making me feel worse. And if I continued that way (which I think is what happened in the past) then it’d lead to an ASC and I’d have to work my way out of that.

But now I see I can allow myself to feel the feeling fully and the connection doesn’t break! It would hardly be reliable if such a thing as feeling bad broke it lol

[Srinath]

@claudiu I think I remember experiencing all sorts of weird admixtures of emotions with pure intent. It is definitely possible. And of course there is Richard’s famous ‘mountain of dread with hands in pockets’ story. You reach a point where the ‘me’ separates out from me in ways that are quite weird and interesting. Minding that gap (as they do on the underground in London ) may be a useful thing to do. Simply see if you can bring a gentle curiosity, delight and fascination to what is happening and allow it take you where it will… Remember it can happen at any moment

[Miguel]

@claudiu

When I initially found pure intent - while in Ballina - […]

This is interesting…

May be you can answer at least some of the following questions about that (notice that I am kind of “exploiting” your current state to help you/help us to analyze/record here more about pure intent -a subject that has proven to be complicated to use/understand for practitioners over the years-; later this could be connected to the appropriate topic or even article):

• When you say that you initially found pure intent in Ballina, does it mean that you experienced something there that you had not experienced before while practicing AF?

• If this was the case, does it imply that your first PCE was in Ballina -leaving aside your 2009/2010 MDMA experience- and because of that then you experienced pure intent for the first time?

• Or did you have PCEs before but failed to extract/separate/understand until Ballina what aspect of the PCE corresponded to pure intent -which can be used outside of PCEs-?

• In any case, did your AF practice prior to Ballina not include pure intent?

• If so, can you describe what it consisted of, and how it differed from when you found pure intent?

@claudiu

[…] and Richard and Vineeto asked me to describe it, one of the first things was that “I can’t feel it out”. It’s not experienced emotionally / affectively. I like to say it is experienced existentially - via an existential sense.

• I would certainly have trouble describing it in several aspects… Was there any response/comment from them to your description?

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

@solvann

Where does Richard say “you” can touch anything? “I” cannot experience pure intent, “I” cannot “touch” anything actual. “I” can only facilitate the actual body’s already ongoing experience of pure intent to become more apparent, even without “me” going all the way into abeyance.

This blessing [pure intent] allows a connection to be made between oneself and the perfection and purity as is evidenced in a PCE.

…it is experienced as an irresistible enticement

From here

[rick]

@claudiu

But if you’re experiencing this purity on an ongoing basis how can you not see that the actual world is something other than ‘me’ and ‘my’ feeling-based world ?? ??? As in one exists and one doesn’t ??

It’s the opposite for me. I can’t understand how it is that you or anyone else here cannot see that both the feelings and purity/perfection actually exist (actually as in the standard meaning, not actually as in sensately, obviously). I have resigned myself to just live with not understanding.

@claudiu

Don’t you see - the purity in and of itself is sourced in something outside of ‘me’. If it comes from outside of ‘me’ and is not of ‘me’ don’t you see how that’s a ‘boundary’ of sorts (in your usage) ??

A boundary of sorts. Paradoxical maybe. Something like a boundless boundary between the finite and infinite.

To try to (poorly) explain with rough analogy: Take the example of a truck. The universe is not the truck, and is not of the truck, in the same way the universe is not “me,” and is not of “me.” And while purity in of itself is, as you say, “sourced” in something outside of the truck, and outside of “me” (purity is sourced in infinitude, after all), nonetheless purity is in the truck (in the finite), and in “me.” That you now experience purity to be connected to the deepest part of “you,” then now you see it there, in “you.” I see it as the seamless connection that exists between the finite and the infinite. Though of the other, it is not the other; and yet while not the other, it is not separate from the other. Can’t see how this would make much sense, but that’s me giving it the college try.

@claudiu

And also I get the impression you don’t have PCEs very often — but all you have to do is follow the purity and you will get one!! Something not adding up for me here. I dont see how someone can be experiencing this on an ongoing basis and be so essentially at odds with what Richard reports, and on key points too.

I don’t have a good explanation for this.

@claudiu

Also I am curious to hear how you established this connection / how this connection was established?

Ah, I’m happy to tell you. The blame falls entirely on Richard. Laying in bed one quiet evening last summer, reading Richard’s words, I read this:

Richard: This physical universe is infinite and eternal (boundless and limitless).

For some reason that sentence stayed in my head and wouldn’t leave. Then, completely unexpectedly, the words and the world around me merged. This massive universe that had always existed out there, outside of “me,” suddenly pierced through “my” boundaries, and infiltrated “me,” driving itself deep to the core, suffusing itself in every nook and cranny. It (temporarily) effected a different way of being (you could say). That’s how it seemed at the time. I now think that it was always there, it’s just I never saw it; something that always was and always is. I’m reminded of when Richard said to Vineeto, in their DVD, that “he” didn’t become redundant, “he” realized “he” was redundant. In other words, the universe was already in control. When the controller sees this, he sees his presence as pointless, useless. A glaring redundancy. So he steps aside (although I often experience it as being quite forcefully shoved aside ). It may seem at first like the universe at that point takes over, but it is more precise to recognize that there never was a point when it wasn’t in complete control. No different than Maggie Simpson on the toy steering wheel fancying she’s driving Marge’s car. What’s crazy is to discover that Marge is ultimately doing just the same as Maggie! (Has someone else already used that analogy? It’s vaguely familiar.) When this is seen clearly, it works a magic. Othertimes it’s seen faintly, and things are closer to normal hum drum. But what was seen that night, cannot be unseen, and so it’s always there, and it’s always been there.

@solvann

@rick

And yes, Chrono, like you, the experience informed me of something that I could not find in Richard’s writings. Incompatible, in a way.

Incompatible how? Where does it say that you need to feel good to experience purity? After all Richard lists it as a first step:

Solvann, I stand corrected on this. Others have made reference to Richard and Vineeto experiencing this simultaneous experience of perfection and negative emotion.

@solvann

@rick

a puny parasitic inconsequential feeling being – can touch (“tap into”) the purity of infinite existence, and that the purity of infinite existence can likewise touch “you.”

Where does Richard say “you” can touch anything? “I” cannot experience pure intent, “I” cannot “touch” anything actual. “I” can only facilitate the actual body’s already ongoing experience of pure intent to become more apparent, even without “me” going all the way into abeyance.

Do you think that the connection in pure intent is a no-contact connection? I can’t see how that would work.

=============

Claudiu, my intent when writing you was not to focus on my experiences. I truly didn’t anticipate you would see the discrepancies that you did, but rather that my message to you would resonate with you, somehow. There were specific descriptions you made in your journal which I instantly recognized, and I wrote to you with that mind. If you see what I described as being incompatible with what you are going through, it’s entirely possible that you’re correct. Either way, I was (I am) truly thrilled at your achievement. I hope that this marks the beginning of the end for “you.”

Cheers

[claudiu]

@rick

Claudiu, my intent when writing you was not to focus on my experiences. I truly didn’t anticipate you would see the discrepancies that you did, but rather that my message to you would resonate with you, somehow. There were specific descriptions you made in your journal which I instantly recognized, and I wrote to you with that mind. If you see what I described as being incompatible with what you are going through, it’s entirely possible that you’re correct. Either way, I was (I am) truly thrilled at your achievement. I hope that this marks the beginning of the end for “you.”

Sure, and I appreciate the well-wishes. But I couldn’t help but be dumbfounded as to how someone experiencing such a connection can draw the conclusions they did… and I also can’t help trying to resolve it

@rick

@claudiu

But if you’re experiencing this purity on an ongoing basis how can you not see that the actual world is something other than ‘me’ and ‘my’ feeling-based world ?? ??? As in one exists and one doesn’t ??

It’s the opposite for me. I can’t understand how it is that you or anyone else here cannot see that both the feelings and purity/perfection actually exist (actually as in the standard meaning, not actually as in sensately, obviously). I have resigned myself to just live with not understanding.

This, then , is the $64,000 question, that might resolve it at last — in your experience, are ‘you’ (as in ‘your’ feelings) of equivalent quality to the purity, i.e. are ‘you’ and ‘your’ feelings (be they ‘good’, ‘bad’, or ‘felicitous’) equally pure / pure in precisely the same manner as anything else in the universe?

[claudiu]

@Miguel

This is interesting…

May be you can answer at least some of the following questions about that (notice that I am kind of “exploiting” your current state to help you/help us to analyze/record here more about pure intent -a subject that has proven to be complicated to use/understand for practitioners over the years-; later this could be connected to the appropriate topic or even article):

Sure

Firstly as a preamble, a few things have become clearer already.

1. There is the ‘basic’ established connection to pure intent in and of itself, which I am experiencing on an ongoing basis for the last few days (every second of every day ).
2. When I become overjoyed at the sheer wonder of being alive into an excellence experience, pure intent becomes active / ‘operative’. It is much closer and more immediate / more directly experienced.
3. And then in a PCE I am that very pure intent.

#2 is sort of an in-between of 1 and 3, and it is not always clear to me whether it’s a PCE or an EE. That isn’t to say that a PCE is not a binary thing - it is - just that it’s not always easy for me to tell as the EE can be quite close to it.

Although I experience pure intent differently between 1, 2, and 3, I realize (via going between them and paying attention to it) that the pure intent is the same. It’s not that pure intent ‘morphs’ or ‘changes’ – it’s that the same thing is being experienced differently. In #1 it’s more like it is there as a backup or a safety, and it can help lead me to #2 and #3, but it isn’t fully activated yet. While in #2 I am actively enjoying it and taking avail of it. And in #3 I am that very purity itself.

With that being said…

@Miguel

• When you say that you initially found pure intent in Ballina, does it mean that you experienced something there that you had not experienced before while practicing AF?

I thought that was the case when I was writing that, but now that you mentioned…

@Miguel

• If this was the case, does it imply that your first PCE was in Ballina -leaving aside your 2009/2010 MDMA experience- and because of that then you experienced pure intent for the first time?

• Or did you have PCEs before but failed to extract/separate/understand until Ballina what aspect of the PCE corresponded to pure intent -which can be used outside of PCEs-?

Now that I have gotten some clarity of it, I would say in that very 2009/2010 MDMA experience itself, I experienced pure intent in the 2nd and 3rd way – of being it / of it being operative. But I would not have put it that way at the time (for obvious reasons).

And I would also say, in the 2012 MDMA experience I had (see “Considering the Possibility” section), which prompted me to think “What if Richard is right?” – I was experiencing pure intent in the 1st way, i.e. it was not operative but it was enough that it got me to look more into this actualism thing sincerely.

Whereas in Ballina I experienced it the 1st way – and I didn’t get a clear sense of experiencing it the 2nd & 3rd way until much later.

@Miguel

• In any case, did your AF practice prior to Ballina not include pure intent?

• If so, can you describe what it consisted of, and how it differed from when you found pure intent?

I had no AF practice prior to my first trip to Ballina. I was completely turned around and befuddled by the affers and going down a very strange twist of a spiritual path.

@Miguel

I would certainly have trouble describing it in several aspects… Was there any response/comment from them to your description?

At the time (in person) they said something along the lines that they appreciated my reports and that it’s new information to them.

Also I found an e-mail I wrote to Vineeto & Richard on May 30, 2012 (!), where I talked about pure intent this way. Note here I was talking about experiencing it as in the 1st way:

CLAUDIU: I do understand [pure intent], now, and see how vital it is, yet even so, I find it hard to describe how to tap into it. Essentially all I can say is describe some of its qualities, namely:

• It is actually existing, that is, not mentally, affectively, or psychically created.
• It is intrinsic to the universe itself.
• One does not experience it via thoughts, feelings, the psyche, or the senses, but rather, an existential awareness.
  That being said, feelings & senses are certainly affected by tapping into the purity; feelings turn felicitous and senses become brighter and far more pleasant in an unimaginable way.
• It is obviously pure, it is obviously beneficial, it is obvious that tapping into it more would be beneficial for everyone.
• It is obvious what it is when you experience it - any uncertainty means that isn’t it.
• Felicitous feelings are the most accurate imitation of the purity.
• It has nothing to do with ‘me’.
• It seems intimately related to the fact that the actual world actually exists. Indeed, it seems to be the only hint, for a feeling-being, that there is something actually here.
• It is already there. That is, ‘I’ don’t have to hope or pray or wish it is there and that it doesn’t go away, because it’s there anyway.
• It has always been there, and always will be there. (The universe is indeed eternal.)
  Corollary: It was there before I came into existence, and it will continue to be there after I die.

Vineeto’s e-mail reply on June 18, 2012 was: “I like your points on recognizing pure intent, every one is spot on.”

So certainly I have known about it and experienced it this way for a while… indeed what is new this time around is the persistence/consistency of the experience of it. As to why it took almost 10 years to get to this point, that’s a great question, and basically only now am I really doing something about it lol. This time around it’s clear I don’t ever want to let the connection falter again.

What I would say re-reading my 2012 description now is that with the “feelings & senses are certainly affected by tapping into the purity; feelings turn felicitous and senses become brighter and far more pleasant in an unimaginable way.” it doesn’t necessarily follow, it’s not automatic. If I am persistent in wanting to feel bad, pure intent doesn’t automatically re-direct me. It’s not ‘out of my control’ – I still have to choose and actively follow it. As I write this now I think this is the piece I was missing – I was wanting it to just ‘happen for me’ / i.e. for some ‘one’ or some ‘thing’ else to do it to me / have it happen to me , while the issue all along was that I wasn’t wanting it to happen / wanting to allow it to happen. I mean I was, to a certain extent, but only to a limited extent which faltered many a time over the years.

[claudiu]

@claudiu

Although I experience pure intent differently between 1, 2, and 3, I realize (via going between them and paying attention to it) that the pure intent is the same. It’s not that pure intent ‘morphs’ or ‘changes’ – it’s that the same thing is being experienced differently. In #1 it’s more like it is there as a backup or a safety, and it can help lead me to #2 and #3, but it isn’t fully activated yet. While in #2 I am actively enjoying it and taking avail of it. And in #3 I am that very purity itself.

BTW relating to this, I see why the act of becoming actually freedom now is a seamless transition (no fear or dread) between two worlds — because the very purity that this flesh and blood body already is, is already experienceable even when a feeling-being … and so it’s a simple matter of following that golden thread through all the way until that purity is all there is left. But ‘I’ still have to be willing to allow it to happen :D.

[claudiu]

Last night, and on some other occasions, I experienced the purity in a much more sublime (as in splendid, delightful) way. It was simply everywhere all at once and it had an intimate quality of sweetness to it. It happened as I got into bed and I was thinking “wow I love to be alive” . And it is like I could roll around in the purity just like I was rolling around in the bed sheets and pillows.

This was different than how I experienced it before in EEs where I would describe it more like a cool breath of fresh air. But it’s also clear it’s the same purity I’m experiencing.

This sweet experience of purity reminded me a lot of something I experienced near the end of my first trip to Ballina, where I was wondering what it’s like for Richard and Vineeto in the actual world, and I experienced this impossibly fine and impossibly pure purity that almost’ threatened’ to take me over (though there was no threat actually). The quality or way I experienced it last night is similar to the quality or way I experienced it then.

I feel like I have to write a one-sentence cap to the journal entry but don’t know what to say!

[Miguel]

@claudiu

I experienced this impossibly fine and impossibly pure purity that almost’ threatened’ to take me over (though there was no threat actually).

When I am reaching at least EE, it is not uncommon for me to experience a kind of vertigo and think/feel “oh, no; I am going to drown in this” . When I’m in PCEs I don’t think/feel it anymore, but I’ve also never tried to go beyond them (immolation)…

[Miguel]

I’ve just realized that the purpose of my comment was unclear/omitted: ¿did you experience in Ballina that “purity threat” while in PCE, EE or a different state?

[claudiu]

I was being just normal regular feeling-being consciousness and then I began wondering which I unknowingly did via an existential probing , and then there it was, this richly sweet and fine purity was all of a sudden immanent.

Interestingly Vineeto picked up my existential probing at the time, although she didn’t know my side of the experience until I told her later. In an email to me on July 11, 2012 she wrote:

CLAUDIU: Reflective contemplation is indeed becoming more and more fascinating! There are bouts of what I have decided to call “odd contemplation” wherein I ponder certain things and it’s as if the asking itself is leading to something which I do not know, yet, and which ‘I’ shy away from, instinctively… yet there is something about it. The same sort of feeling which I felt in Australia when I was wondering, “it seems impossible that anything can actually happen. Is anything actually happening?” And which, in Richard’s houseboat, I pursued to the brink of the PCE – but not quite there.
VINEETO: […] As for your last evening in Australia – in hindsight my impression at the time was not of you being merely at the brink of a PCE. You yourself said, “but I don’t want it to be temporarily only.” There was an experiential sensing at the time of your probing by both Richard and myself, of someone, you, coming into the vicinity of the actual world. A sort of increased sweetness, which for me is the way I experience purity when other people are involved, permeated the room.

I told her about my side of it and this was her response on November 16, 2014:

[Claudiu]: […] I don’t know if I ever mentioned this before but during that period where I was probing I absolutely detected an immeasurable sweetness “on the other side”, that is, where you and Richard were living. It was so vastly different to what I was experiencing just a few minutes before, it almost blew my mind. As it turned out, at that point I wasn’t ready to go further.
VINEETO: I particularly liked you mentioning that you detected an immeasurable sweetness “on the other side” - I can’t remember you reporting this before (I would surely remember this!). This has now been experienced by quite a few people, both feeling beings and newly free people. This is pure intent personified - the quality of the beninity and benevolence of the physical universe is experienced as sweetness by those who are sensitive to it in some interactions with fully actually free people.

(Just as an aside, I quote from these emails freely once I determine there’s no personal information in them, as Vineeto told me a while ago that I can publicly share whatever she writes to me privately if I think it’ll be of benefit. And I always ask if it’s a gray area.)

[claudiu]

I had a dream that I wrote such a good forum post describing my thoughts and experiences that Richard gave it the “hibiscus emoji” (ie the “meaning of life” emoji) — with the username richard.actualfreedom

So that means I must be on the right track???

[Miguel]

There I gave it to you. Although I don’t think it will be esteemed in the same way.

[claudiu]

@Miguel

@claudiu

It’s like before I wasn’t actually enjoying and appreciating — now I certainly am.

So, now you could say what you were feeling before…?

I mean, If now you see that you were not “basically enjoying being alive anyway”, do you have more clues about what you might have actually been experiencing then…? Or is it still uncertain/odd?

I think I got some more clarity on this also ^

When I wrote “It’s like before I wasn’t actually enjoying and appreciating — now I certainly am.” – I was having an excellence experience, whereas before I wasn’t.

It’s not that I wasn’t enjoying and appreciating before… … I was … … but it was not as much as in the EE.

Outside of the EE, even though I am experiencing pure intent (and have still been continuously), it’s still like something is missing, which is present in the EE, and is becoming familiar to me now… that piece that is missing is allowing the pure intent to be dynamically operative from “its” side.

When that piece is in place then I experience the operative purity as a breath of cool air… and the enjoyment skyrockets!

Also it is increasingly clear that the only thing ‘I’ can do, and the only thing ‘I’ have to do, is to allow the purity to be operative… it’s actually not a “big” thing per se. Like it isn’t ‘hard’ to do… but I have to want to do it. And at the same time, it’s no ‘meagre’ thing… it makes a world of difference …

[Srinath]

@claudiu

I had a dream that I wrote such a good forum post describing my thoughts and experiences that Richard gave it the “hibiscus emoji” (ie the “meaning of life” emoji) — with the username richard.actualfreedom

So that means I must be on the right track???

It could be exactly that. But it’s good to be mindful of the trap of pleasing ‘Richard’ or ‘Vineeto’ - instead of moving towards actuality yourself. This is what feeling being does well after all, creating good-feeling ‘worlds’ to go into - instead of escaping them and going into the actual world. And as you get closer to the finish line and are suffused with purity, the difference between good feelings and feeling good can get quite subtle. Let sincerity and awareness be your guide.

[claudiu]

@Srinath

It could be exactly that. But it’s good to be mindful of the trap of pleasing ‘Richard’ or ‘Vineeto’ - instead of moving towards actuality yourself. This is what feeling being does well after all, creating good-feeling ‘worlds’ to go into - instead of escaping them and going into the actual world. And as you get closer to the finish line and are suffused with purity, the difference between good feelings and feeling good can get quite subtle. Let sincerity and awareness be your guide.

for sure and I appreciate the advice! I will keep an eye out.

While writing the post I realized it came off like it was approval-seeking. But the experience of the dream was more that I was going down the right path and Richard’s emoji served as a confirmation of that – as opposed to a ‘good’ feeling of feeling like I’m doing a ‘good’ job (as in receiving a positive moral dividend)

One thing I actually was thinking recently is no matter how much I may interact with you or Vineeto or Richard, exchange ideas, give reports, ask advice, etc., at the end of the day none of it will result in me self-immolating — I still have to actually do it myself! There’s fewer and fewer distractions that I let myself get distracted by .

[claudiu]

Posted update here: Kub933's Journal - #56 by claudiu .

[claudiu]

I was spreading an avocado on some toast with a fork and it was the most magical thing I have experienced.

The avocado itself consisted of coruscating infinitely distinct and smooth shades of green.

As I pressed the avocado into the toast I got fascinated with the experience of smushing the avocado around. I turned the fork over with the prongs down and started raking the smushed avocado, and as the fork was making furrows in the greenness, I distinctly experienced it like I was scratching my own back somehow, that I was delightfully and joyously making furrows in myself, if I were something that enjoyed having furrows made in it!

However it is not that I was the avocado… rather there was no separation between me and the avocado. Me and the avocado were made of the same thing and had the same existential status… we were both the universe itself and I was the universe interacting with itself. (‘Claudiu’ of course was in abeyance at this point.)

Quite mind blowing!!