Claudiu's Journal

[claudiu]

On July 17th, at some time during the day, I noticed that the new way of being out-from-control was happening again. It has been consistent since then, just like before

In hindsight it happened shortly after I was able to see that actual freedom was indeed as flawless and perfect and peerless as I thought it was. This allowed me to fully endorse my journey towards attaining that myself, and within a few hours I was out-from-control again.

The sheer level of refined purity, sweetness, intimacy and delight that is possible is quite astounding. And the degree to which I am seeing ever-more core details about the very structure of ‘me’, is greater than ever before.

It can be quite alarming to actually experience a powerful affective current movement as being just that, a movement that does not originate or end anywhere, but which can clearly curl in on itself so as to form what appears to be a cohesive entity (aka a ‘self’), yet is nothing but an illusion borne out of that movement itself. But the ongoing purity serving as a backdrop, allows me to not become distraught and panicky as a result.

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I cannot recommend it enough. It appears to be the perfect staging ground to becoming actually free. What Vineeto wrote recently led me to realize this (emphasis added):

@Vineeto

‘Vineeto’s’ last question ‘she’ endeavoured to answer (one day before it happened) was – do I want to live *like this* forever (the *delicious, dynamic experience infused with ever increasing pure intent and experiences of sweetness*)? Even though the answer was clear, the moment Richard posed that question to ‘her’, ‘she’ still decided to check it out carefully. But the next day it was still the same answer – yes, of course, I want to live like this forever.

That is, I see now that the “like this” that I am living (further described as “the delicious, dynamic experience infused with ever increasing pure intent and experiences of sweetness”, which I can fully confirm from my own experience), is essentially a preview (albeit partial) of what actual freedom will be like.

As Richard wrote on February 1st, 2012 (curly-brackets added):

@Richard

And, speaking of which, the directors of The Actual Freedom Trust hereby recommend, publicly, that Tarin taps into that palpable life-force, that actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity, which originates in the vast and utter stillness that is the essential character of the universe itself, because to be actually free from the human condition is to be that pure intent … as in, to be that benevolence and benignity *as a flesh-and-blood body only* {emphasis in the original}.

Put succinctly: *there is no other way, than to be that* {emphasis added}, because there is no other actual freedom from the human condition (than being that). [link]

In other words, to be actually free is to be that pure intent, thus the purity and sweetness and deliciousness that are the way I am currently experiencing pure intent, is a preview of what existence will be when actually free.

I never considered that there was some continuity of the sort, I thought it was still there will be some big unknown leap at the end. And of course there is (I won’t know what it’s really like until I do it), but the gap seems to be smaller than I thought, based on that “live like this forever” from Vineeto’s recent report.

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Earlier today another oddity occurred that I think was the same oddity that knocked me out of it last time. I was also half-dozing off and it’s like a weird blip after which it seemed like ‘something in the center’ was gone, but it was the same as before, clearly not actually free, and it seemed to affect the out-from-controlness somewhat.

I’ve come up with a tentative conclusion: that it is a “fruition” as I used to experience in my meditative days. There was some brief after-effect that seemed like a sense of euphoria or jubilation, which happened in both cases, and I remember happening after “fruitions” in the past. This serves as yet further evidence that meditative/spiritual paths are not only unhelpful for pursuing actual freedom but actively detrimental.

This time around I used a conscious willpower to not fall out of the out-from-controlness this time around, and I am happy to say I did not!