Tuesday (July 9th) while falling asleep, I experienced an oddity that I wasn’t sure what it was. It seemed like some sort of a shift, and I quickly confirmed it wasn’t actual freedom. But nothing in particular seemed different as I drifted off to sleep.
When I woke up, as I went throughout the day, it seemed that the magicality wasn’t consistently there any longer. I’ve become increasingly sure that this is the case, and the best I can do is pin-point it to that weird July 9th shift-like feeling while falling asleep Tuesday.
Interestingly it is not like all is lost. The purity and magicality is actually readily available still! I’m experiencing it again as I’m writing this now. I’ve been feeling again like I’m an impostor or a fraud, but upon reflection, from June 23rd to July 9th my experience of being alive really was very different. And it’s like I’m not really fully back to ‘normal’ yet, which is great.
Actually what seems to happen is I want to avoid admitting something is off, but then when I finally do, together with that the magicality comes back. This is really driving home the point, especially as I write this now, that sincerity is the key!
What is also different (as in not quite ‘normal’) is that I see that nothing has to happen in the external world for me to get back to feeling good. I wrote the following to Vineeto last night:
Today the realization has been that it simply doesn’t make any sense to feel bad – about anything, ever. What, really, is the point? It actually has no point at all. There is no “there” which feeling bad gets one to. It does not bear any fruit. It never delivers any of any desired goods. The most that can happen is you become illuded that you are accomplishing something, which when you snap out of it you realize you aren’t actually. It’s really a remarkable construct!! The only thing really holding it together is a belief that “it has to be this way” (well, I guess it’s something other than that as I still sit here not free yet :)). I suppose what I mean is that its only justification is ever itself only, it is only justified with reference to itself. Or better: ‘I’ am only justified with reference to ‘myself’. Or better: I am only justified with reference to myself (as I sit here not in a PCE :))
The most perverse aspect of it all is the utter resistance to seeing this, and the nursing of sorrow and malice to one’s very core and bosom, willfully fueling it and expressing it and imposing it on others – all when not only does it not have to be this way, but utter purity and perfection lies all around, that one can literally be swimming in!
It’s like there is no “stickiness” to ‘me’ anymore. In the past if I felt bad it always (or often) felt like an insurmountable obstacle, like the feeling-badness is some external force that is tangible and can’t simply be addressed directly. But now I straightforwardly see that it is entirely a choice, and not only that but there is no “consequences” as in “punishment” by some external or universal divine entity, for feeling bad! It’s not a morally bad thing to feel bad, there is nothing that it is other than what it is, namely, feeling bad, and that is something that I can simply choose not to do anymore by realizing it is silly!
It is really wonderful writing this, there’s this joyous and wondrous delight in doing so! Now the full flavor of that magicality is back and it’s a simple matter to see the way forward again.
I would say now the reason I stopped is due to not having fully processed the ‘unravelling’ of me at my core. I know now more than I did before, experientially, that I will have to disappear in my entirety. The prospect is fearful. However, I have the tools to go forward now – tapping into that magicality, and, seeing that it is safe experiencing it as I do, and once fully established then going forward, further, bit by bit.
Truly it is a joy to be alive!