Journal Entry
On July 2nd I had quite the initially-disorienting experiential realization.
I was sitting at my desk at work, allowing the purity of actuality to manifest in all its wondrous magicality, and as I got further into it, I perceived more and more the core of ‘me’, and as it went deeper, I saw that at ‘my’ very core was… a core and essential “hopelessness”!
An utter hopelessness that nothing will ever truly work out, an intrinsic fatalism, a woven-in defeatism.
I was shocked to find it there, and together with seeing it there I also saw that it was simply not needed anymore – and this became rapidly disorienting as I experienced that part of myself unraveling. I experienced it like this core hopelessness was tying ‘me’ together, and now ‘I’ had split off into these four or five separate fragments with nothing tying them together anymore.
This brought an intense fear – it seems part and parcel of this process of dismantling myself is fear – and so I put my foot down so as to not proceed further until the ramifications of this were sorted out. There was an undercurrent of fear for a while and I was very aware it was because of what I saw there.
The wonderful thing is that now I am able to be aware that this core hopelessness has utterly lost its power! I can perceive the palpable absence of it. If I do catch myself generally worrying about something, I can now see that there is ultimately no reason to worry – because what is actually at the ‘root’ of everything is that palpable purity and benevolent existence, not a hopeless defeatism.
Looking at it now I would say the hopelessness was due to ‘me’ accurately feeling that there is no way ‘I’ can ever be whole or complete. There is no way for ‘me’, staying as ‘me’, to be completely fulfilled and satisfying. If there were no alternative (i.e. actual freedom) then hopelessness would be the proper response. However now that I not only know there is, but have also committed to having it happen for me sooner rather than later, there is no longer any need for such a hopelessness.
Combine the above with another realization on that same day that being happy and harmless is not a burden, as in something I have to do on top of my normal duties and requirements, but rather something I get to do as a bonus when all my basic needs of survival have been met (and they are very readily and easily met), which bonus derives directly from the purity of actuality – and the reader can get a sense of just how delightful things are turning out to be.
Cheers,
Claudiu