The momentum is certainly increasing. I have so much more emotional energy on a regular basis, and nearly all of it expressed felicitously, as an outstanding joie de vivre. I fully agree with the depictions of it here (emphases added):
RICHARD: (Being out-from-control/in a different-way-of-being is quite daunting to contemplate as an on-going EE marks the end of the beginning of the end of ‘me’ and the commencement of the actualism process – as distinct from the actualism method – wherein a momentum not of ‘my’ doing takes over and an inevitability sets in; in an on-going EE the actual world has the effect of impelling one towards it – like a moth to a candle as the overarching benignity and benevolence of the actual increasingly operates such as to render ‘my’ felicity/ innocuity increasingly redundant; this is where being the nearest a ‘self’ can be to innocence – the naiveté located betwixt the core of being and the sexual centre (where one is both likeable and liking) – is attached as if with a golden thread or clew to the purity of actual innocence; an on-going EE is, thus, where one becomes acclimatised to benignity and benevolence and the resultant blitheness because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would ‘blow the fuses’ if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared). [link]
and:
RICHARD: In effect, the actualism process is what ensues when one gets out from being under control, via having given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable. [link]
One note on the “blow the fuses” comment, however – although at times it feels like it is overwhelming and may be ‘too much’, nevertheless it never is ‘too much’. However these periods of increased intensity appear to come about unbidden, and even if I wanted to stop them (which I don’t) I’m not sure how I would. So, one has to be sure this is what one wants – I don’t think it would happen if one isn’t sure, in any case.
And a note: one does not have to be 100% sure one wants to self-immolate, yet – I gather that if I were 100% sure it would already have happened. One just has to be sure one wants to take the next step, and that it is safe to do so. You don’t have to commit t othe entire thing all at once. You just need to be sufficiently sure of the successes you have had so far, and that you want more in that direction – and then you can take the next step.
Previously I thought that to be free I would have to sort of gather up all my intent and wits and make a ‘push’ into that direction and hope the stars aligned just right so that actuality can take ‘me’ away, or something like this. And then when I failed I would drop back down to a much lower level. Now I see that, although it does seem to be the case that one could self-immolate at any point, the more sensible approach is to continue up-leveling in that direction, until you are so “close” that it is just inevitably bound to happen.
Everything becomes just increasingly obvious and straightforward and I wonder why people cannot see it. For example, the topic of a potential conflict with a partner came up. And it was so obvious: of course, the sensible thing to do in this case, is bring full awareness and understanding to everything about the situation, take everything into account, with full sincerity, consideration, and caring, and then actually take steps to address the conflict! I saw that in the past I would be reticent to fully delve into the problem, because of the completely nonsensical reasoning that if I fully saw that there was a problem, then it would bother me! In other words, I would rather bury my head in the sand and pretend it’s ok to avoid the emotional discomfort of dealing with the situation. And this is so utterly self-centered, it is literally me being self-centered and avoiding resolving an issue because it makes me feel uncomfortable! How utterly absurd.
What I find increasingly lovely is becoming aware of and recognizing that I don’t need to plan out my day in the way I used to before. These thoughts come of oh I should do this or that today, and I realize I don’t have to keep these thoughts in mind as in to formulate a plan. I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I will end up doing what is sensible. I find that I end up doing essentially the same sorts of things I would be doing before, anyway, including stuff I didn’t plan that I just follow out of my own curiosity and predilections – whereas before I would feel guilty on top of it that I wasn’t doing what I “should”, now I don’t feel guilty at all, and I would say I actually end up doing more of the stuff I thought I “should” do anyways. It is win-win-win.
It is also helpful to see the contrast between this and “normal”. I was just commenting to someone that when I water the garden, I like to revel in the sensuosity of it, the water dripping down the plants, the greenery, the delight of being outside and doing what it is I am doing. This was so obvious to me and delightful and obvious that anyone could do it, which is why I shared it, to encourage them to experience it that way too. And their response was that when they water the garden, they are just bored and annoyed about the hose being difficult to get out. It was such a stark contrast, and they did not pick up at all on what I was suggesting, as something that they, themselves could do.
So it is good to see how far beyond ‘normal’ this is, as it is actually remarkably easy and natural to get accustomed to what I am experiencing now as being “normal”. And it is normal in the sense of it has become usual for me, but it is definitely not “normal” in terms of how the average person experiences being alive.
. I thought this would be alarming, but it wasn’t, because I did not want to put the brakes on so it didn’t matter. However I do notice that my conscious attention can wane and then I find myself acting and feeling according to old patterns. So more properly I would say – whenever I am consciously aware of what is happening, it is not possible to purposely put the brakes on. But, if attention wanes sufficiently then old patterns emerge. But they do not have the same staying power as before. I just realized now as I’m writing this, I haven’t had to dig my way out of a hole for a while, which is how it used to be. Rather once I am aware again of what’s happening, I am aware with the benefit of that background purity and benevolence, which immediately lets me see the pattern for what it is, an illusory chimera, and then the full waxing delectation readily occurs.
It’s interesting because I have tried to put the breaks on multiple times this morning, to see if it is possible. I can go to ‘my’ most cherished themes, the ones that ‘I’ would usually get stuck in, but it’s like trying to hold sand through my hands. There is still this background expectation that something could ‘stick’ but so far no.