Claudiu's Journal

Journals
115

Nicely put.

Interestingly, this made me realise that I have an emotional reaction to not knowing and not understanding something or there being something humanity doesn’t understand sufficiently either. The disorientation is really an extension of the emotional discomfort of the fact that I am not able to know everything about everything. I always wanted photographic memory so desperately when growing up.

Pre-AF, my first encounter of feeling ok with not knowing everything was from the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, who had a big influence on me.

Nineteenth-century man is a walking encyclopedia , stuffed with useless knowledge.

I always felt there was still a pressure in the 21st century to feel like walking encyclopedias and how much of this knowledge was useless, does it matter if I know the tallest mountain or the longest river or the last time my football (soccer) team won the Premier League? Then it was clear that this pressure on myself was ridiculous. I guess that whole premise of knowledge, for what purpose? This really started to change me, I started to decide what knowledge matters and why? I stopped feeling this pressure to have to have as wide a general knowledge as possible.

So, I agree, it is being properly oriented and is coming from a place of integrity, there is integrity if one can admit the limits of the facts available to oneself.

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116
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117

These days a lot of things are so crystal clear and obvious, such as:

God has served quite well as a provider of a morality societally accepted to be objective.

God has been torn down, but prematurely - without the thing that is “better than God” in place yet.

One can only hope that enough people see sensibility before it’s too late:

  1. That there is something outside of ourselves that is objective, namely the factual and objectively existing universe

  2. That this actually-existing universe has the quality of being benevolent with respect to life flourishing (just look around to see how life teems in every corner & crevice of this Earth)

  3. That one can tap into this benevolence to experience a purity and clarity of heart and mind

  4. And that this automatically provides a “guiding light” or principle (importantly one outside of yourself) by which to act, and all flows effortlessly from here

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118

Damn you don’t write anything in your journal for 7 months and then come back with this nugget, it’s like the less you write the better the precision, I have taken the opposite approach :laughing:

Do you find at this point that this continued awareness of pure intent is the ‘driving force’ behind feeling good?

In times when I can access pure intent consistently then feeling good is effortless, in fact it seems silly to be doing anything but enjoying and appreciating. Then in times when the connection is blocked it seems an uphill struggle to get things going.

So I am constantly in this back and forth of 2 approaches, one is all about ‘me’ continuing to chip away at ‘myself’, it is ‘me’ doing the work and somewhat working from ‘within the human condition’. This approach is epitomised by effort and control.

The second one is about putting ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ to one side and allowing pure intent. This is no longer fixing things from ‘the inside’ but rather it’s like I am side stepping the whole thing.

The thing is they also seem to go hand in hand, because at times I have to roll up my sleeves and chip away at something so that I am willing to allow pure intent. Equally when pure intent is experienced it’s effects will cascade into ‘my’ world and start to shift things about.

But a lot of the times it’s like I am at this fork in the road - do I go into the human condition and tinker around in there OR do I forget about all that business and move towards pure intent.

From the vantage point of actuality all of the ‘inner world’ stuff is completely irrelevant, so I can see why it doesn’t matter if it is ultimately resolved or not. I guess the whole point is that ultimately it cannot be resolved, that you tinker around until you realise that it’s just rotten.
Then the further I move towards actuality the more pointless it seems to entertain any of the real world stuff. Like when Geoffrey wrote about the letter arriving from the leathery armchairs society :

For I had been exploring the unknown continent, its golden cities and living clouds, for weeks, without a word. When some letter found its way to me, its ink faded from the sea voyage, enquiring about matters so home-bound as to appear foreign

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119

Across this holiday season I witnessed first-hand the immense benefit that actualism has had on my life and others around me.

Through some of the most intense familial conflict I’ve ever encountered, I was able to continuously operate from a bed of purity where otherwise ‘me’ at ‘my’ center would be.

This enabled me to operate with – and now the words make perfect sense – minimized reference to self. I genuinely had no ill will or rancor towards anyone, and was able to navigate the situation in a way to resolve as many problems for and be of as much benefit to everyone around me.

The conversations I had clearly helped everyone and I was even able to diffuse a personal rancor that one member had started to hold against another (due to them thinking the other was holding something personal against them).

These really objectively should have been some of the most difficult conversations of my life, but they didn’t emotionally drain or exhaust me in anyway. It was tiring just from the sheer energy and effort spent, but it was engaging and interesting, all the while recognizing that essentially everyone was being in a grand scheme unreasonable (as in we all did want the same thing, namely for all of us to get along).

This path really isn’t just for me, it’s for everyone around me also. The benefits to others – and therefore also to me – are palpable.

The cantankerous ravings of offended spiritualists do not impinge upon or detract from these ongoing experiential successes in any way. I know first hand the benefits of the path, and how ultimately simple it really is, and just how rewarding the rewards are to reap.

This path really is for anyone and everyone. Onwards!

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120

I love the vibe :slight_smile: I wanted to ask, were you attacked at any point? I don’t mean physically, I mean psychically. Was anyone angry at you?

I can’t tell you how much I think about this in my relationships when they’re going awry. We want to get along, we’re not adversaries.

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121

A good example is in one of the convos, I made a point, the other person said “But that’s not right, I’ve already told you two times in this convo that X/Y/Z…”

Really they misconstrued what I said, I meant something else.

Normally this would put me on the defensive, I would feel put-upon, upset that they don’t understand, etc.

But what happened is I didn’t feel that way whatsoever. Instead I clearly saw where the miscommunication was, in fact the way I said it it was possible to construe it the way they did and I see why. So I just regathered my thoughts and said it in a different way, where they then accepted what I said. I even took some time with some hmms and ahhs to do it, where normally me doing that would also upset me like I’m put ‘on the defensive’. But this just didn’t happen.

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122

Anyone else notice the more life experience you have, the more you understand things differently, and the more you realize things have actually always been that way?

Actualism puts this on steriods :grin:

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123
124

When signing-off my email to Srinath (see: Srinath Stepping Down), I was going to write something like “Hope to join you soon in the actual world”, yet then I saw that this wouldn’t be accurate.

Instead it was: “Planning on joining you soon in the actual world” :grin:

The “hope to” would indicate a not really gonna do it but sort of putting it off into the future. The “planning to” seemed more apt although now it, too, seems like a bit of the not actually doing it. “Joining you now in the actual world” seems not exactly right though since as I understand that part takes just a second.

“Doing now the process that will lead to joining you in the actual world” may be the most apt :grin:

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125

I expect to join you and Srinath in the actual world.

126

What most stands out to me from seeing @milito.paz ’s report is —

Anything I can possibly accomplish in life will always only ever be second-best compared with becoming actually free!!!

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127

Also it seems actually very easy to smoothly allow transition from thick of ‘me’ to essentially apperception (or so close is hard to tell). Seems not a fantasy nor megalomania that this purity can be apparent for all. Rather just an obvious progression…

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128

That’s the amazing thing, isn’t it? It’s never any actual distance (or time) away, even though the “thick of ‘me’” often makes it feel that way.

That really hit me in a PCE about six weeks ago. It was only a short one, but a potent reminder there’s literally nothing standing in the way of existential clarity and perfection, it’s actually here all the time. Nothing but ‘me’ standing in the way. But ‘I’ am not made of anything tangible either.

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129

When I think about that, it means that “the thick of ‘me’” also includes real-world space and time which seems to put actuality at a distance. That’s all ‘me’ too, because when ‘I’ disappear, it disappears, or the whole lot disappears at once. Everything stands (or hangs there!) in its place, in actual imtimacy.

I like the way @milito.paz described it.

I felt a great ‘slowing down’. There was no feeling of the seconds rushing by and boom sounds, sights, colours, tastes, smells were x1000 more vivid. Everything was hanging where it was. This has been my constant experience since the 16th.

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130

Reminder !

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131

Well I don’t wanna jinx it but possibly am out from control now!

It came from feeling not good, then realizing I want to feel better, feeling like something stopping me from doing it… hard to describe now but it came down to seeing that I actually do want to “save the world”, and me getting out of the way IS ME ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING to do that!

It’s not giving up or abdicating “responsibility” or anything. It is actually doing it!

So let’s see how it goes! Mostly I find myself way enjoying little things more like putting my pants away, and making much more sensible decisions, like time to go bed now instead of doomscroll on Twitter haha.

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132

Sounds amazing! I more than love putting my pants away :smiling_face_with_tear::smiling_face_with_tear::smiling_face_with_tear:

133

Haha, that’s one giant leap for humankind. But let’s be bold and raise the bar even higher.

Is it possible to enjoy putting someone else’s away when they could have done it themselves? :thinking: Even when you did the same thing yesterday, and the day before? :thinking:

By Jove, maybe it is!

134

Well doesn’t seem to have been a big shift, a momentary excellence experience perhaps

But I’m finding this deep-down dissatisfaction with the way ‘I’ am, for not having succeeded yet… now I am seeing the key is not to turn away from that, but to confront it, and, do something about it!

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