I’ve been away for a while as my mood had temporarily dipped a good amount from before. I don’t want to entirely blame it on this but I had also taken a vitamin/supplement which seemed to have affected my mood a good amount. But it has leveled out after I stopped it.
There was a good period of time where I was almost overflowing with feeling good and at one point I fell into a feeling of “let me make sure that there’s nothing I’m missing out on” and I pulled back into old ways. There was a clear cut moment where it seemed like I could make a decision to feel good forever. Like there was nothing on the horizon but sweetness. This is rather embarrassing writing this but it did follow a period of frustration, falling back into previous feeling patterns of cynicism and grimness (Yet with a constant background feeling of ‘I’m playing pretend’). My aim now is to get back to that overflowing feeling good again.
Yes this essentially is what allowed me to get back to feeling good. When ‘I’ am not fighting ‘my’ self, that absence of conflict automatically dissolves into feeling good. It’s a matter of habituating this more. It seems conflict is also ‘my’ essential nature and I am going against what is “natural”. What I was “missing out” on is nothing but conflict. Another aspect of not fighting myself is that I also feel closer to ‘me’. And I automatically find me liking myself.
Ah this actually makes it much simpler. It was another way I was complicating the matter. Basically it is something like going into ‘myself’ to unite all of ‘me’. But ‘I’ am being all of ‘me’ each moment. The underlying assumption that had been still surviving in that way of operating is that there really is ‘another place’ and ‘another time’. This “assumption” perhaps is even the essence of ‘my’ being. It’s like ‘I’ spend an inordinate amount of time keeping up the edifice of ‘me’.
I had been wondering how this flesh and blood body experiences the world. Just a background thought that comes and goes sometimes. I was washing dishes (this seems to happen during washing dishes for some reason) and I felt the soap foam on my hands along with the warm water and it suddenly hit me that it is this body experiencing that sensation. It is neither a thought or a feeling. The direct experiencing of it is the flesh and blood body’s experience. It subsequently also occurred to me that this occurs right here and right now and is perpetually happening. I’m blocking it by thinking and feeling about it. That direct experience conveyed to me more than any thinking about it could. With ‘me’, ‘I’ am trying to outline a coherent whole ‘reality’ but when I experienced the direct sensation it was as if there was only the experiencing of that.