Chrono's Journal

[cross.chrono]

@Vineeto

Hi Chrono,

What splendid descriptions of “experiencing being not of ‘me’”. You had plenty of leisure to look around, so to speak, and draw some valuable conclusions, especially the observation that you have been looking for the source of feeling good – “experiencing being not of ‘me’” – somewhere other than here on earth and now, in this very moment.

Hi Vineeto,

Yes I had suspected it and this experiencing showed clearly that there is a benevolence already occurring right here. It also subsequently highlighted many things. That in ‘my’ most fundamental drive to survive, ‘I’ can only imagine that this source of feeling good be somewhere else (among other things). I can see the significance and the wonderful occurrence of being alive right now. It makes me wonder what exactly is at stake here. And I had been letting that question simmer. But because of this it makes perfect sense to commit to feeling good come what may. I have been able to do it in a very easy way now. And every time I do not feel good, it slowly highlights what is at stake. And every time I do not feel good, it’s a simple asking of “would I really rather feel this than feel good?”. The quality of it is much better than ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings.

@Vineeto

And you also reported that when “some closeness starts to happen”, often a ‘good’ feeling, in this case “nostalgia” swoops in and diverts you from further exploring this “closeness”. It is exactly this fine-tuned attentiveness which allows you to detect such diversions sooner rather than later, before they gather solidity, and then get back to your original exploration.

I’ve noticed it more and more in action and have been easily able to get back on track. In committing to feeling good right now, I am also willing to give up all of ‘my’ dreams. And any occurrence of nostalgia or some such bittersweet feelings is a hope for that feeling good somewhere and somewhen else. I can see the seductive nature of this chimera.

@Vineeto

Lastly, when you say “sustained by the feeling of being trapped” you are probably aware that you are trapping yourself and ‘I’ am playing a trick on ‘me’ pretending the trapping is happening by someone else.

The feeling of being trapped seems to be from not actively endorsing to being alive right now. It’s a sort of “holding back”. And the moment I actively endorse to being alive, the feeling good becomes more dynamic and more sensuous. It also showed why I do feel trapped. I secretly believe that I can escape death. It sounds odd to say but from ‘my’ perspective it feels like that to unreservedly say yes to being alive right now is also to embrace death. This way I am enjoying AND appreciating being alive.

@Vineeto

You have no need to “imagine it” – from the experience you described when “not being ‘me’” there were no concerns of being a “sociopath”, were there? As such you know as an experiential fact that minimising both ‘good’ and bad feelings, i.e. minimising ‘me’, is outside the range of sane and insane, it is being salubrious. This fact answers your question directly – “to abandon both” you become more and more salubrious.

Yes this experience is my current benchmark that I’ve been utilizing. Where there is nothing to “keep in check”. So there’s no need for control and that perhaps is hard to digest. That ‘I’ am not needed.

I was reading these questions and answers from Dona and Alan and there Geoffrey asks:

Geoffrey: Is this the ‘indirect’ connection between the commitment to feeling good and actual freedom: that this commitment to be honoured requires the examination of beliefs, that this examination constitutes a ‘whittling away’ at the identity, and that this ‘whittling away’, making the identity ‘insubstantial’, opens the possibility of self-immolation?

Dona: Richard got what you’re saying, but still says that you feel good because it feels good. There is no connection (direct or indirect) with feeling good and becoming actually Free.

Whittling away at beliefs does make the social identity “smaller”, but does NOT get rid of (or lessen) feelings. It might eliminate some of the “triggers”, but not the feelings themselves. Only becoming Actually Free does that.

I am following the same train of thought that he is asking but it doesn’t seem like it was quite answered. I get the impression based on those answers that even a person feeling bad could just become actually free. Are those answers correct? Or perhaps a person that is feeling good is more likely to make the decision to become free? With that said, it does certainly make sense to feel good irregardless.

Also very funny as I am asking in that correspondence that many years ago and expressing the same fears of going insane. Looks like I am exactly the same step away as I was then. Well, aside from feeling way better than I was then. But I am stunned at how long it has been.

@Vineeto

You have no need to “imagine it” – from the experience you described when “not being ‘me’” there were no concerns of being a “sociopath”, were there? As such you know as an experiential fact that minimising both ‘good’ and bad feelings, i.e. minimising ‘me’, is outside the range of sane and insane, it is being salubrious. This fact answers your question directly – “to abandon both” you become more and more salubrious.

There were no concerns then. I realize that it seems like a long leap from here to there because of my loyalty to Humanity.

@Vineeto

For a feeling being all caring is accompanied by feelings, so a useful discernment would be to be less guided by what others expect you to do, or you yourself feel obligated to do, according to traditional beliefs and concepts, but instead be harmless, considerate and benevolent

@Vineeto

This underlying atavistic fear of “I will go insane and simultaneously lose all connection to Humanity” is universal, only varying in strength and expression. Those cast out from the tribe could not survive on their own. I remember ‘Vineeto’ once had strong fears of being condemned/ burnt as a witch if anyone found out what a traitor to the human condition ‘she’ was.

In keeping with seeing what is at stake, I see the nature of ‘my’ connection to Humanity is composed of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings. I was speaking with my dad again yesterday and the conversation veered toward human nature. He was of the opinion that you cannot change human nature and that to do so would ensure that you could not function in society (citing the corporate politics that he has to play in his job). But he also agreed that “the bombs dropping” was sanity in action and that there can never be any solution. He seemed to intuitively understand what the nature of what I was saying was as he said if I were to become free from human nature then I would be found out and be tortured. It really felt like I was talking to the embodiment of Humanity. Subsequently, I was very appalled. I realized that there was no saving Humanity. Humanity wants to remain as it is and maintain the status quo. And by remaining a denizen, I am also one of its embodiments.

@Vineeto

And isn’t it a wonderful relief and joy when one portion of the inner push-and-pull battle has disappeared completely?

Yes, becoming aware of what is actually happening underneath has been an enormous help in declining these battles. Before I didn’t understand exactly what was happening so it would amount to suppressing or pretending.