Hi Chrono,
Reading your post I had a similar experience this morning, that a place exists where everything is in its rightful place, which is amazing to say the least. But then how ‘I’ experience ‘myself’ is never like that, no matter how hard ‘I’ try ‘I’ can never be right. And I am wondering now is it precisely because ‘I’ am forever out of time. ‘I’ am all those things which are not actual, not happening now and so ‘I’ can never experience life in that manner - where everything is in its rightful place.
But the interesting thing is that the normal way to approach this feeling is to try to correct things, perhaps by pursuing a moral excellence, but when that “flicker” happens there is nothing at all that had to change, other than ‘me’ going into abeyance. So it is that everything is already in its rightful place now, the universe does not have to change 1 bit.
So it is like Richard wrote in that the last bit will always elude correcting, ‘I’ cannot be made right, ‘my’ very ‘being’ is forever out of time. Which I have previously seen this as a curse - in that ‘I’ can’t fix ‘myself’, not to the degree of what the PCE demonstrates. But actually it’s a blessing, in that what the PCE shows, of everything being correct, this is already always the case and it is ‘me’ that simply has to disappear.
It’s kind of funny actually when I consider the gymnastics that ‘humanity’ gets up to in order to try to prove that the universe is wrong, and actually it has been the other way around this whole time. It reminds me of what Richard wrote, that upon actual freedom he saw that he has been here this whole time having a ball, how weird.
The other thing is the difference between how a PCE happens (which I have experience of) and how self-immolation happens (which I don’t). In that a PCE is this spontaneous event, one second ‘I’ am here and then “whoosh” and all of a sudden everything is correct and has always been.
I think perhaps I thought that self-immolation could happen in that same manner, that one moment ‘I’ am here and then maybe a moment of fascinated thought and all of a sudden ‘I’ am no more. But it’s not like that at all it seems, in that it is a whole different series of events and motivations. Actually it seems like a different ball-game altogether, in that a PCE can happen spontaneously whereas self-immolation is set in motion consciously, knowing exactly that it entails ‘my’ demise.
Which it has to be to do with the irrevocability of it, in that a PCE is a temporary experience, it can be had safely for ‘me’ in that regard, ‘I’ will be there to go back to eventually. But the difference in proceedings when aiming for self-immolation it has to be because there will be no ‘me’ to ever go back to, and this is vastly different in what it means for ‘me’.
So essentially it is not possible to self-immolate by accident or to stumble into it by chance, whereas a PCE can very much happen like that.