I have been coasting along with some occasional pulling back. But I have not fallen back into feeling bad like before at all. I know that I simply have to feel good and that has been an easy thing. Attentiveness is optimally active. Any issue is always solved by returning to feeling good. I find that I am also able to sleep much better consistently and I no longer have any worries around it. This is a huge thing as I had a lot of issues with sleeping with anxiety and fears always getting in the way. This way back to feeling good, I don’t think that I can ever forget it anymore.
These past few weeks though, I have been trying to explore sex and sexual desire. Trying to sort out the two. I’ve been wondering how I can be ‘closer’ during sex and what role does sexual desire play, if any? I find that the energy of this desire overtakes and diverts the experience into a fantasy realm. Peter’s writing was very helpful and this in particular I liked:
I recognised the behaviour and feelings in myself, saw the appalling consequences both to my happiness and that of others … and then they simply disappeared. The complete and total understanding of a belief and its accompanying emotions actually results in their elimination. It took a little time, a lot of diligence, introspection and plain ‘self’-obsession – and the will to keep going, to find out. It was often very fearful and I found myself not only dealing with my fears but also with the fear of all humans now and who ever have been. And then, as though by magic, one day I realised I was no longer driven. It had been a gradual process but it had come to an end – it worked. The sex drive, or instinctual passion, had virtually disappeared from my life.
The feeling gives the impression that I would not be able to have sex at all without it. That I must always fuel it so that it can happen. But is it true? 
This drive seems like it is lauded in being a ‘man’. Perhaps even central to being a ‘man’. So there’s some vested interest in maintaining it in some way. And what if I wasn’t a ‘man’ (or any such gender identity)? However, I do find over and over that it precludes intimacy. I read how sex is one of the easiest ‘gateway’ into the actual but I find it to be more difficult. Maybe there are some beliefs around it that are hindering the full experience.
On a related note, I was speaking with my partner earlier about something and I started thinking about relating and what it means to be ‘compassionate’ as she talked about some of her worries from her day. I was suddenly struck out of nowhere with a huge immense fear about what I am doing by trying to becoming free. I understood at the core what this end of ‘me’ is. It’s both the end of ‘me’ and ‘her’. The end of all humanity. The end of everything. The fear for a moment almost was going to become panic. I paused and had to backtrack and remember what feeling good is. I’ve been floundering a bit since and now have renewed vigor. It’s time to apply some more sensuosity.