I have been able to much more easily and consistently feel good since my last post. There is this intertwining of closeness and sweetness. It’s always readily here and sometimes it’s like ‘I’ am close to this quality and “bathing” in its rays with varying degrees from feeling good to excellent. I have an increased confidence that I did not have before. Although I experience it as a choice that I have to consistently make. But what is more clear is that it is ‘I’ that is away from this. Everything that ‘I’ do takes me away from this. It’s so very clear that ‘I’ can never be here. ‘My’ very nature is that of being away from this moment.
Now when I look at a feeling I try to see if I really want to feel that feeling. I ask myself if it feels good and the feeling may morph and shift into a different feeling to avoid facing it. ‘I’ am being seen each moment. The more I’ve done this, I see that every feeling other than feeling good sucks. And even further to that, I only genuinely like myself when I am feeling good.
Relatedly, I was wondering today what it means to actually care for someone. After reading thru some articles on the AFT website it’s clear that I have never actually cared ever before. To put someone before oneself or to experience compassion for them is what it has meant in the ‘real world’ to care for another. But to actually care for someone else, it’s to actually free them from the burden of ‘me’. Thus to free this body of ‘me’ is the best that I can do for them. I can see now that to truly care even for myself that I have to first genuinely like myself (and others). Let’s see how far this aim will go!