Chrono's Journal

[cross.chrono]

@Vineeto

Now that you have precisely identified your “default state of being” and been “able to put everything on a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ basis”, has your “default state of being” changed to being more continuously feeling good?

Not entirely but I am able to feel good more often than before. Something I re-read a few days ago that helped immensely as well was tracing back to feeling good before the trigger which caused a diminishment in feeling good. That itself automatically restores feeling good and when look at the trigger after that, it amounts to almost nothing and easily seen as habitual.

@Vineeto

The first habitual impulse is to dive into ‘solving’ “the murky areas of ‘being’” so it’s a matter of noticing and replacing this habitual impulse with the more felicitous habit for contemplative attention and “sensuous attention” whenever possible. This will aid you in uplevelling from feeling good to feeling felicitous.

Yes I experience the sensuous attention as a simultaneous seeing of the psychological and psychic world and also the awareness of being here. My default state of being is such that I am excluding the senses part and thus going inward instead to ‘solve’ it.

@Vineeto

The reason Richard gave two different options is because when someone has a tendency to experience their mood in an intellectual/ abstract way, perhaps even a dissociated way, then they need to first viscerally feel the feeling which disrupted their feeling good in order to correctly identify the nature of the trigger rather than assessing it at arm’s length.

Whereas when you are an emotional/ passional-type then identification of the feeling happens at the moment of it occurring, perhaps even in an overwhelming way, then getting back to feeling good as soon as possible is necessary to be able to look at what was the trigger in a more clear-headed manner.

Ah that makes sense. I always thought of myself as the intellectual/abstractional type but the more I look at my feelings, I am seeing that I am actually the second type. I experience it often times in an overwhelming way. So feeling good first makes sense.

@Vineeto

And further, are you now perhaps able to access the memories from three years ago in a way – rememorate the flavour of these experiences – to establish the golden clew to pure intent?

I want to write this while it’s still fresh on my mind. I backtracked through the comments and tried to arrive at how I experienced it as before. The trigger or clue was in Claudiu’s description of pure intent and then reading my own description. I was able to experientially arrive at the same experience. This time the aspect that stood out the most was ‘my’ essential nature and why my default way of ‘being’ is the way it is. The word ‘quality’ triggered this seeing for some reason. ‘My’ essential quality is malice and sorrow. No matter how hard I try that is what I will be. But then there is this quality of the universe which I can only describe as perfection. It was so clear that is something that ‘I’ will never be or can’t be. ‘My’ default way of being is the way it is because ‘I’ am trying to get to this perfection in ‘my’ own way, but I can’t. This triggered a bit of alarm and I found I was getting overwhelmed but in a good way. I pulled back but I kept looking at this quality because it brings effortless enjoyment and appreciation. With this quality of perfection, that’s all I can do is enjoy and appreciate. What else needs to be done if there is perfection? Even further to that, I can confidently say in this experience I genuinely found that I am liking myself. It’s interesting that it’s this experience which has me feeling this way vs me trying to get there myself. Maybe ‘I’ want some purpose in all this?