Chrono's Journal

[cross.chrono]

@Vineeto

You just did and have my full approval.

Thank you Vineeto ! Now I really have no excuse .

@Vineeto

Most of what you feel others would be thinking and feeling is what you feel about “being felicitous and innocuous”. Most people are so busy with their own lives that they hardly take any notice of what you do, let alone how you feel. And the more you own your own fear (as a human being inflicted by no fault of your own with instinctual passions) the more you become autonomous, affectively independent of what you feel others would want you to be.

This is actually a point I’ve glossed over but now it’s obvious. How I view how others feel about being happy and harmless may actually be what I feel. They could be one and the same. There’s an illusion of uniqueness. Now I can come to a more clear choice.

@Vineeto

Mmh, that “mountain of fear” possibly has to do with you fighting the feeling and thus adding affective energy to it. See if you can loosen the control a bit, allowing the fear to just be there and you will notice how it diminishes simply by not objecting to it. From there is only a hop and a jump to feeling ok/ feeling good, and then you can explore what it is made of. It’s the automatic habit of rejection which makes it appear like a mountain.

Yes I think that perhaps is what it is. I allowed myself to feel it and it seemed overwhelming. But it seems I had been afraid of being afraid. Just feeling it gets rid of that sitting on a ‘mountain of fear’ sensation. I allowed it to first wander where it would on its own, it veered towards cynicism and seriousness. An expectation of the worst. But what you wrote in the following quote helped me:

@Vineeto

‘Vineeto’: It reminds me of a weird and fascinating experience I had just two nights ago. I had had a light smoke, when I suddenly started to feel nauseous and very dizzy in the head. The physical symptoms came along with an acute fear to throw up, to black out, in short, to lose control over my body and my life.
While Peter kept inquiring if there maybe was also some fear involved, not just a physical reaction, I was desperately trying to obtain control over my body. At the same time I was, of course, suspicious that it was all a play up of the ‘self’ trying to survive, but didn’t know how to deal with it.
When I finally laid down on the floor and ‘surrendered’ to the option of being unconscious and was actually getting interested and thrilled by the possibility of observing the experience, it very quickly disappeared like a ghost. It left me astounded about the power of ‘reality’, the vividness of the experience that fear created with all the ingredients of a ‘serious’ disease, becoming unconscious.
Only by accepting it as an adventure and at the same time doubting its actuality it lost its power over me, leaving me battered but proud like after a victorious, well-fought battle. The next night it happened again but was all much less dramatic, the temptation was there to delve into the fear, the physical symptoms were ready to emerge again, but this time I didn’t believe in the actual danger and it quickly went. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, Alan-a, 28.7.1998)

I had not approached it like that before. I wouldn’t doubt its actuality because it felt so true. So I had inadvertently been taking this ‘mountain of fear’ as truth. So the opposite thing I had been trying to do was allowing the fear to be there but I felt like I had to do something about it. So that would also feed it and it would mount in intensity. In the middle is a strange belief of something like ‘if I am feeling it, then that is what it is’. The feeling has the final say in the matter. But with this approach, I do not have to be afraid of the fear. I think the loosening the controls a bit is what I need to do right now.

I applied this the week prior when my partner and I had a disagreement of sorts. Basically she was upset that I had not drove her home in the morning. I woke up and asked her (admittedly reluctantly) if she wanted me to drive her but I was too hesitant in just getting up and taking her due to my tiredness. Afterwards when I asked her if something was wrong she would say no (all the while the vibe was that something was wrong). After a few days she finally explained it after some prompting. There was the usual fear within me of where even with these disagreements I start to feel ‘oh so this is the end of the relationship’. She wanted me to reciprocate or do something for her in some way to show her that I am sorry (despite me already apologizing). I immediately thought that may be what she wanted was for me to suffer as well. But I declined going down that road. I asked for her part to communicate if she was feeling less than good and say if she doesn’t feel like talking about it at the time. She first said that she felt a little better just expressing her upset. Then after some eating, she was able to reason out that I had already helped her with her move to her new apartment and that she couldn’t ask for more. Throughout this I had the temptation to feel bad along with her because it seemed callous otherwise. I did end up falling into a bout of it but I was able to clearly see its workings while it was happening. It was rather insightful when I told her that I felt like I needed to suffer and she responded with ‘I’m not sure what I can do about that’. Some part of me feels that to suffer for another is caring. Another way that this ‘put others before oneself’ manifests. It’s a deceitful tactic to being more self-absorbed. Actually I am finding that relationship itself or perhaps this “connection” with another person hinges on this way of operating. Because when I contemplate feeling good come what may in this kind of scenario, a fear of the end of the relationship comes up. But I continually find that my partner much more enjoys when I feel good.

@Vineeto

When you understand what Richard is saying here, the whole system of this communal imperative can come crashing down –

I have been observing the past couple of weeks how all-encompassing this way of being is. It’s evident in many interactions (and even while being on my own) with many supporting beliefs around it. I re-read this article after many years now and I can see it more in a comprehensive way that I could not before. Before it seemed only intellectual. The part that sticks out for me is where Richard asks “Has anyone fully realised that the community does not exist for the good of the individual?”. I can see the chastising in myself. I can see the coercion and shaming. Also I am wondering if ‘the whole’ and ‘the other’ are the same. If my identity is a product of all of this, then ‘the other’ to whom I am trying to relate to must be the same? It seems to scale from ‘the whole’ to ‘the other’.

Anyways, I have a recurring experience these past few days of an increased autonomy. It is completely my choice how I feel and I can feel good no matter what anyone says. It does not matter what anyone says either. These feelings of reproach in regards to this are nothing but paper tigers. The seeing is that nobody really knows what they are doing. I am wondering though, is feeling happy and harmless unconditionally the best thing that I can do for others and myself?

Also perhaps relatedly I am noting that underneath this is a deep feeling of angst that comes more and more to the fore. Sometimes experienced as meaninglessness and sometimes as agitation. It feels like the fabric of my reality and is not of my choosing.

There’s more and more to read that comes up and seems relevant to what I am feeling. I may need to just take a few days off to read intently .
I have now been reading the correspondence on caring and benevolence. Richard writes that there is:

a vast gulf betwixt feeling benevolent (with feelings such as pity, sympathy, empathy, compassion and so on) and actually being benevolent (free of malice)

I am trying to see what this vast gulf is. I see after all of the above reflection that caring also includes myself (which is a huge step for me). But I am finding a bit of conflict between a near actual caring being an acutely empathic caring and feeling good come what may. How can it be both? Or also to put another way, how can I emotionally accept the suffering of humanity (I am assuming this is what is meant in the ‘how can I emotionally accept that which is intellectually unacceptable?’)? Or am I mis-understanding something? Perhaps I am taking it out of context.