Continuing on from my reflection, the initial feeling of this ‘put others before oneself’ type of operating seems to be guilt. I experienced it first as an anxiety and a ‘scan’ of how others view me. I sometimes experience a glimpse of what’s underneath it. This fits in with harmlessness and how I want others to accept me before I will feel good continuously. My experience is that it’s actually very easy to feel good once this is out of the picture. This feeling of guilt and anxiety I experience creates a helplessness (victim). By being this victim, I am wanting the other to antidotally respond with loving or compassionate feelings. With that, I will feel accepted and thus let myself feel good. To contemplate feeling good forever without the permission of ‘others’ feels callous. Another interesting related aspect that I’ve noted is that when you’re in love, you automatically put the other before yourself. It’s the nature of love so now it makes sense why it’s advocated by the enlightened people.
Once I saw that all it was was guilt, I had an experience and seeing of what’s underneath. Underneath the guilt and resentment is unbridled aggression. I wrote above about how I feel angry at others for not accepting me and in turn to feel good. But this made me more aware of the anger underneath in myself. I usually am considered a ‘chill guy’ but all of that anger and aggression is right there. I started thinking up all of the times that I do feel it and it’s actually quite a bit. It’s all under the guise of “Righteous” anger or indignation. Anger that’s acceptable by society. You can be angry when something unfair happens. One example that people may overlook but surely experience is when you are driving. There are many incidents of road rage that happen, but often people only see those people as out of control and not themselves as well. I also get angry at other drivers (e.g. if someone is going very slow). This is all considered okay because the other driver choosing to go slow or doing whatever is “not okay” (unacceptable). Often driving in traffic, you can see these aspects of yourself. This aggression felt like a huge beast waiting inside a cave. It’s only the fear of the ‘many’ which keeps it in check. Weirdly, when someone does end up acting out their aggression, it’s an unmentioned expectation that they feel guilty about it. So I must be pre-emptively feeling it so that it never happens. But as I looked around, this same beast was in everyone. It was no different. This burden was being carried by everyone. There were only superficial differences and no one was special. Not even a ‘chill guy’ like me 
. I feel this aggression more intensely when I think about the ‘unfairness’ in the world. When I watch the news, it does not make sense and I just play out a scenario in my head of how whoever I think is responsible (usually the “upper” class) gets punished severely. It’s truly a never-ending cycle. But now I experienced myself as responsible as well. Seeing all this makes it easier to sift through the facts as that pull towards how I should think or approach life based on if it feels ‘Right’ or ‘Wrong’ has greatly lessened. But even further to that, my intent to feel good come what may now can stand on its own. Because when I saw that others were also keeping at bay this same unbridled aggression, it became more clear that no one actually knows what they are doing. Previously I wrote that others seem to know something that I don’t. Now there’s no reason to go along with that feeling as it seems silly. It’s very fascinating how all of these feelings come together and feed each other. Many of them also seem to be weaker now. Especially the negative ones that I was feeling with my partner where I felt like I had to be anxiously grasping. I’m able to allow her more to be in her own space and I meet her from where I am if that makes any sense.
I’m reflecting on time now as I inevitably always come back to this and it seems very related to feeling good. The words that ‘this moment is the only moment of being alive’ seem to really stand out more. There’s an automatic sensuousness and feeling good that accompanies this seeing. It’s like how could I forget that this is my only moment of being alive?!. Sometimes when I see it, it’s like waking up from a dream from everything prior. Everything prior doesn’t exist. There’s a great significance to this occurrence. Maybe I can rephrase my question then to ‘how can I fully enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive forever?’ 
. I think ‘oh yes everyone knows this’, but I am seeing more nowadays that everyone does not see that this is the only moment of being alive. When I tell my partner or friends something like ‘isn’t it interesting that it’s always this moment?’, they often almost dismiss it and not realize the full import of it. Just the other day I was noticing this moment more and more and ‘pushed the envelope’ a little further. It’s so wonderful that this is the only moment of being alive, so precious, that I simply don’t know how to describe it. I had to take a step back from this further seeing after that because I had tears in my eyes. What would take me to ‘push the envelope’ more?