Chrono: I’ve asked myself couldn’t I just commit to feeling good forever (effortlessly)? I’m curious as to what would come up or what stands in the way. It caused another bout of discomfort, but this time bearing in mind that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings so that I stopped fighting myself. The awareness of it is the feeling of it. There was actually a feeling answer to this.
Hi Chrono,
What a wonderful question to ask!
And what a wide-ranging and fruitfully informative investigation and experience arose out of that simple courageous question.
Chrono: It eventually turned into another resentment, but at ‘others’. ‘Others’ don’t accept me as I am so ‘I’ cannot feel good continuously. This feeling feels very angry and if left in place I can see it turning into bitterness. Resentment and bitterness because I am waiting for ‘others’ to give me permission to feel good by accepting me. It’s the immediate objection that comes up. But are ‘others’ really standing in the way of me feeling good? Can others actually change how I feel? That’s the conditioning that if I feel good then ‘others’ will beat it out of me.
This then morphed into feelings of self-consciousness. Something I had not identified them as before. What stood out to me was that I was taking these feelings of self-consciousness as attentiveness or awareness itself in some way. They are the lens thru which I was looking out at everything. The lens of ‘others’ imprinted onto me so that I’d stay in line.
The resentment and anger when questioned, persisted. So I stopped questioning and backed off. Then completely on its own and with no prior sign, an immediate sensuousness ensued. As if an eraser was used to wipe away that feeling that seemed to be at the center from which I operated. Like this whole suite of feelings from my chest all the way down to my navel were just wiped out. Like I had some locality before but now I did not. It was like suddenly being brought “forward” and I noticed that I’m just here stunningly alive. An interesting thing I noted in this rather felicitous moment was in the nature of the way it happened. It happened in a way I could never imagine or could do it. I wish it lasted longer though. It’s always like this, somehow I seem to get myself to this point of experiencing this and then afterwards maybe I try too hard and I can’t get back to it.
It is nevertheless fortunate and wonderful that it happened and when you allow it, it will happen again and again. ‘Vineeto’ often had such excellence experiences or PCEs following a insightful break-through of one of ‘her’ beliefs or attitude or similar life-changing insights.
Chrono: The feelings then returned but the resentment then had morphed from being pointed towards others to me. Anger that I went along with others. There’s also this “realization” in the periphery of disbelief that then I would have to face the fact that life is indeed easy and that’s an entirely new direction. I had been listening to ‘others’ so gullibly and dutifully self-castigated. This feeling has now eased off and there’s a sort of “simmering” happening. If this is the case what vested interested is there in harboring these feelings? Or why would I want to be these feelings?
Ha, that’s a good one, realising that doing it the hard way was a waste of time, and who would be willing to abandon the hard work of years of one’s life just because something easier and more fun came along!
I am confident that this won’t stop you, though it’s still “simmering” …
Chrono: Another very interesting thing that I’ve noted in my reflection is how I had not been taking into account of what it means to be harmless. In this correspondence, Richard explains that how to be harmless also includes oneself. So if I’m being angry or resentful, then I am harming myself as well. It’s also interesting that while I read thru this that I am in some way unwittingly operating from a ‘put others before oneself’ type of philosophy because when I consider including myself in what it means to be harmless, then I get a reaction of ‘oh I’m being selfish’ if I also include myself. So in some way, the laws of the ‘real world’ are such that to be happy and harmless is to be selfish. The laws of the ‘real world’ require one to suffer. How perverse! I’m seeing a more clear picture as I go along of this inauthentic persona that has been constructed and psychically impressed. Almost like there’s two of ‘me’. The ‘me’ that’s born of the world and another more authentic and naive ‘me’ that’s possible. (link)
Indeed, this is an excellent find. This doctrine of “‘put others before oneself’ type” is all pervasive, and a harmful flow-on effect from all the unliveable religious teachings – be it the Eastern ‘ahimsa’/ pacifism or the Christian “turn the other cheek”. It is truly a dogma to be rid of as soon as possible. Interestingly enough, it was the last of the pillars of enlightenment which Richard dismantled on his journey to an actual freedom –
Richard: In my tenth year I tentatively approached one of the last bastions of spiritual enlightenment: pacifism. Almost all of the other attributes of what I called an ‘Absolute Freedom’ had been stripped away and if I was to undo what is called ‘ahimsa’ in the east – non-violence – then there would not be much left of my precious ‘Peace On Earth’ that I was charged to bring. I found a strong resistance within myself to contemplate letting go of the scriptural adage: ‘Turn the other cheek’ … even though I intellectually considered it to be nonsense. If an entire country held such a belief it would be akin to hanging out a sign saying: ‘Please feel free to invade, we will not fight back’. Also, I personally relied upon the police to protect me and mine from any personal attack or robbery – what if they adopted this principle? By the time I had worked my way through this philosophical dilemma I had to turn my sights upon the last thing that stood between me and an actual freedom. I would have to let go of the deeply ingrained concept of ‘The Good’. For this to happen I would have to eliminate ‘The Bad’ in me, or else I would be likely to go off the rails and run amok. Little did I realise that it was ‘The Good’ that kept ‘The Bad’ in place. I was soon to find this out.
The Altered State of Consciousness – in particular, spiritual enlightenment – needs to be talked about and exposed for what it is so that nobody need venture up that blind alley ever again. There is another way and another goal. The main trouble with the enlightenment is that whilst the ego dissolves, the identity as a soul remains intact. No longer identifying as a personal ego-bound identity, one then identifies as an impersonal soul-bound identity – ‘I am That’, ‘I am God’, ‘I am The Supreme’, ‘I am The Absolute’ and so on. This is the delusion, the mirage, the deception … and it is extremely difficult to see it for oneself, for one is in an august state. This second identity – the second ‘I’ of Mr. Venkataraman Aiyer (aka Ramana) fame – is a difficult one to shake, maybe more difficult than the first; for who is brave enough to voluntarily give up fame and fortune, reverence and worship, status and security? One has to be scrupulously honest with oneself to go all the way and no longer be a someone, a somebody of importance. One faces extinction; ‘I’ will cease to be, there will be no ‘being’ whatsoever, no ‘presence’ at all. It is impossible to imagine, not only the complete and utter cessation of ‘me’ in ‘my’ entirety, but the end of any ‘Ultimate Being’ or ‘Absolute Presence’ in any way, shape or form. It means that no one or no thing is in charge of the universe … that there is no ‘Ultimate Authority’. It means that all values are but human values, with no absolute values at all to fall back upon. It is impossible for ‘me’ to conceive that without a wayward ‘me’ there is no need for any values whatsoever … or an ‘Ultimate Authority’.
Thus I find myself here, in the world as-it-is. A vast stillness lies all around, a perfection that is abounding with purity. Beneficence, an active kindness, overflows in all directions, imbuing everything with unimaginable fairytale-like quality. For me to be able to be here at all is a blessing that only ‘I’ could grant, because nobody else could do it for me. I am full of admiration for the ‘me’ that dared to do such a thing. I owe all that I experience now to ‘me’. I salute ‘my’ audacity. And what an adventure it was … and still is. (Richard, List B, No. 31, 7 Mar 2000)
Cheers Vineeto