Now’s a good time to write as any as I’m going through love. All that’s left is the bond or feeling connected. It always starts with a seductive dream. It promises something that will last forever. It could be as simple as ‘oh I’ve found someone who will stay with me forever’. This is all a lie. An illusion. Especially if you see the other side of love. Possessiveness, jealousy, anguish, etc.
About a few weeks to a month ago, I had been suffering and also feeling the ‘good’ side of love. All dependent on how my partner behaves or is perceived to be behaving according to the dream. If they aligned with it, then I feel the bliss and euphoria. But if they didn’t, then I felt those other things. But I had a different experience as I contemplated why I felt this need for someone to stay with me. I found that I did not find myself likeable and did not like myself(among other things). Then I immediately remembered that naivete was where you found yourself likeable and liking. So I tried to remember where and when I had felt like that before. And I actually remembered that I had a few experiences while talking with people where I felt genuine and actually spoke with others in equity. There was no relationship with them. I just enjoyed talking with them and I enjoyed myself in the process. I remembered the feeling and I tried to feel it. Then immediately I was feeling it as well. So I tried to keep that feeling for a while and it tipped over completely surprising me to being here. There was a sensation in my head of unending delight. I was here again. There was immediacy and there was so much in this moment that I could not ask for anything more. Complete abundance the likes of which I had not experienced before. What surprised me even more was that for a few moments, I could not go back. It was happening on its own. This unending delight. This experience has been stuck in my head since then. I’ve been trying to experience naivete since then. There is a doubt that if I choose this route then it means that I would lose my partner and love too. This “connection” that I feel with them is all that I have left with them. In a way it feels manipulative. This feeling is inherently manipulative and self-centered. But the thought of letting it go scares me.