Chrono's Journal

[cross.chrono]

Thank you @Vineeto for your helpful response.

@Vineeto

It is that from this vantage point of experiencing this moment that you can look in a dispassionate way at whatever objection is at the forefront of your mind preventing you to continue the feeling the sweetness.

Perhaps that may be the issue. I keep trying to look at it from a vantage point of being in the feeling. But when I’m out of it I ‘check’ if it’s there and it can come back. But this ‘checking’ that I am doing may really be a perverse way of being these loving/hellish feelings over and over again. It really drives home the ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’ fact. Because when I’m feeling the sweetness, there are really no issues at all. It’s like I’ve been playing pretend.

@Vineeto

What you are describing here is love. Naming the issue is the first step to be able to successfully contemplate it. Being in love invariable comes with both pining and possessiveness, to name but two, resulting in “an all pervasive feeling and I can only describe it as hell”.

It’s funny that you call it that because I have been approaching looking at it as anything but that. Now that I think about it, perhaps there is a ‘truth’ that has been blocking the seeing of this. Basically it goes something like ‘love is not like that’ or ‘real love is not like that’ or ‘healthy love is not like that’. It’s further cemented when I read forums where everyone describes healthy ways of being in love and how it seems to be great and what not. Maybe there is, but I don’t know how anyone can describe it as so amazing to be honest. The one thing I can’t get past is how anyone can be in love without being possessive or being exclusive. So I keep thinking perhaps there is something wrong with me.

Thanks for your reference to the correspondence. Perhaps now I can look at it with a different light. I might have to do this one on my own as I’m not even sure how to approach the conversation with love being as sacrosanct as it is.

@claudiu

Needless is it to say that I encourage you to continue doing what you did here as the rewards are immense.

Thanks for your encouragement as that is ultimately my aim.

@claudiu

This reads to me as an issue of control. You feel you need to be (anxiously) in control so that you can guide the relationship to being successful. When you are feeling good, you are not anxiously controlling every little thing, you are letting things be – and you are concerned that by letting things be, your partner will leave you.

Actually this hits the nail on the head I think. People have suggested maybe I have OCD or something. And I’m not planning on looking at it that way and live a life of coping. It’s just I’ve always looked at this issue as something separate from it being love. But maybe I need to look at it as this is just how I experience love. I for sure don’t want to be in a relation ship where I am anxiously grasping. And just as you said, it had also occurred to me that there’s some risk to picking the ‘unsafe’ choice. Time for some more contemplation!