So, back to this “sexual market value” belief.
I finally had the courage to talk about this very specifically with my partner. For those playing at home, we have been “on again, off again” for around 18 months now.
I finally saw today that it’s not just something floating “out there”. It being the perception of my worth, and her worth, but a belief in me.
It doesn’t mean that by undoing this belief i will suddenly be more attractive. It doesn’t mean that at all. As Richard stated once, (paraphrasing), “being free isn’t going to make one popular, rich, attractive, successful”.
I won’t go into the specifics of the conversation with her, but it took courage to do. Again, it does not mean anything will change on her part. It’s not something that is specific to this relationship either. But to generalise, it comes down to how the other behaves in bed. I would say that with a modest standard deviation, that effort (on their part) has been around 60%.
I realised today why this had to be talked about, and why it must end the relationship (at least has the potential too), or radically change it.
Being reminded every second day, or as sex occurs, that i am only worth 60% effort, is not helping me feel good.
Now, this could be a very long post as all the nuisance and factors unpacked ; but to keep it very simple, (and thus something i can action), both the belief, and potentially the actual situation (relationship) must go. They are intertwined though.
It would be ridiculous to try and get rid of a belief which otherwise is being reinforced. It is also silly to end the relationship because i don’t have the courage to talk about it.
It is very confronting to me to be so specific. As a person (i assume women experience this too), spelling out how one feels the other values them has the very real ‘reality’, that they do in fact value one at the level one fears. It’s pretty obviously the case action speaks louder than words.