I haven’t cried in about a year. I just did. Maybe that is what was needed.
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Hang in there bud. Remember that the third alternative is always available. It’s the escape hatch we so desperately need in our lives.
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Hey @Andrew, I had been wondering how things were going with you since you stopped posting. It seems that perhaps you are deep down on a self-destruct mission? And not the ‘self’ destruct mission we are all seeking on here 
With things being so extreme I wonder if you had considered/already attempted therapy? That’s a pretty personal thing to discuss on a public forum but I take from your previous post that you are happy to share personal details.
The third alternative is always available when you are ready but I wonder if a more traditional approach could help you first get a handle on what is going on.
I think I speak for all of us here when I say that we would rather have Andrew around and would like to see you happy and harmless. I think you posting on here means there is still a ‘maybe’, that you can dig yourself out.
I have plenty of spare time lately so if you ever want to chat via DM or video let me know 
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Thanks everyone.
I am not suicidal. It’s not a sadness as such, but a desire for it all to stop.
I haven’t posted because I just didn’t have anything to say. I understand now those who don’t post.
There is something about extreme pain and almost dying which brings me around. I get why people seek out death defying feats.
Over the years, Richard would often write something to the effect of “people reaching for the keyboard before thinking about the issue at all”. Not even a paraphrase there, more of just a vibe.
He spent all of those formative years, from the first PCE to actual freedom, with only a minimum of external input. That minimum was Devika for most of it l, if I understand correctly. A bi-polar person, and a PTSD man (if that was his assessment, I don’t know) navigating in a very “death defying” way.
I didn’t get on that quad bike, or in that last relationship, or anything else because I thought it was going to be anything but enjoyable and fun. So much actually was fun.
It’s that it doesn’t last, and when the pain starts, it lasts much much longer.
I will be sticking around. Given my luck holds out.
I will be moving in with my mother soon. Where everything started, and many things ended.
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What you are describing here is what Richard discussed in this correspondence - Mailing List 'B' Respondent No. 39 :
‘I’ can be as much addicted to the suffering, which ensues as the eventual result of the high evaporating, as ‘I’ am addicted to the high in the first place.
Arguably more so, perhaps, despite how perverse the notion may sound at first hearing…
So, essentially ‘I’ am suffering and, as ‘I’ am addicted to being ‘me’ and being ‘me’ is suffering, ‘I’ am addicted to suffering … it is ‘my’ very nature.
Can you see that ‘your’ dramas are there to keep ‘you’ exactly as ‘you’ are, thus guaranteeing continued suffering. Or from the other side that ‘you’ are addicted to suffering because it keeps ‘you’ as ‘you’ are, apparently safe.
Richard wrote :
Okay … is the addiction to being ‘me’ stronger than the addiction to escaping from being ‘me’?
I only ask because if the addiction to being ‘me’ is the more powerful addiction then successful escape is the last thing ‘I’ am looking for (and thus ‘I’ will keep on re-treading the known path, the familiar path, the path that does not deliver the goods).
Whereas if the addiction to escaping is the more powerful addiction then successful escape can (and will) happen.
Is it that successful escape is the last thing ‘you’ are looking for? As it would entail stepping out of ‘your’ apparently safe cage.
It takes daring to proceed down the path which delivers the goods, because each step of the way ‘I’ do not get to remain as ‘I’ am, do you dare to allow enjoyment and appreciation?
I was toying with the idea of getting this as my next tattoo because it’s such a telling image but it is indeed what is going on :
For me the key discovery was seeing that ‘I’ was perversely involved in ensuring that ‘I’ remain in that (apparently safe) cage, whilst the doors are wide open. Yet seeing this was not enough as it took daring over and over to step out, and not the kind of daring where ‘I’ endanger this body merely to play out a drama and remain as ‘I’ am.
It’s funny to consider that Actualism can be (incorrectly) framed as merely a ‘positive thinking philosophy’ when it takes such daring to proceed.
I was talking to @Sonyaxx about this the other day, that in my experience the various challenges and achievements possible within ‘humanity’ do not match up to the daring it takes to proceed down the wide and wondrous path. Do you dare to allow yourself to go this way?
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Do it but have a draft of a before / after, for when you have to ask the artist to remove the bird in due time. There comes a time when one must leave the n̶e̶s̶t̶ cage and fly.
Thanks for linking that section of the AFT website. I had read it before, but it does perfectly describe what I was saying about the high not lasting as long as the pain.
I am the suffering, really does put it in perspective. Especially as I wasn’t thinking about trying to do anything about it but describe it, and ended up being more honest with myself and others here than usual.
It has been the running thought over the last 3 days. Contemplation of what is being described in that passage.
Thanks for taking the time. 
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So,
I use the habitual language of the oppressed to self-castigate.
One of the time “honoured” habits, one I identified when leaving the DhO, is ‘intellectualisation’.
It wasn’t until Henry started exploring it’s effects recently, that I started to contemplate it again. Vineeto pointing out the difference between adopting an “actualism” belief, vs experience of the feeling and reality and deciding what to do.
I went to the doctor, hoping to get government assistance to see a psychologist.
Many have suggested this, even Richard (though not to me directly).
My doctor (who has been my doctor for 25 years), refused. He said you are just bored and lonely! He proceeded to accompany my outside to inspect my motorcycle, and reminisce on his own from decades prior.
His diagnosis was refreshing.
Cut through the ‘intellectualisation’.
The habitual language of the oppressed is also the tool with which they oppress their children.
I remember clearly 'climbing into my head’s very early on, to escape.
I like Vineeto reminding me of Linus’s blanket!
I grew up reading Peanuts.
Such habitual language, and the resultant 'climbing into my head ’ can be safely discarded.
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Glad you found it useful!
One of the things I found on my investigation that I found revealing but didn’t write about was internal vs. external “locus of control,” might be worth looking into
@henryyyyyyyyyy I am familiar with this term. Locus of control.
Since we spoke last, it was this very concept which was informing me.
“Cluster C” is the spectrum that I discovered myself on.
Dependant on others to make decisions. Manipulation of others to do this very action.
I feel that there is an “edge” which ‘intellectualisation’ kept me from.
A morality baked into ‘intellectualisation’.
I am tempted to intellectualise now😅
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It was rebellion that drove me in my ‘best’ moments.
Moscow.
Broken bones in the dark, rain, drunk.
An edge.
Life will blindly kill itself, but there is a cutting edge to it.
It seems like rebellion depends on an external locus of control, you need some external authority figure to blame shit on, and then rebel against
I always seemed to be rebelling against myself.
Trying to be someone different and new.
I was thinking about the “edge” where life is happening. I mean, natural things, physical living things. There is a “sweet spot” there. Before morality happens, and also before anyone gets hurt (bad things happening).
The habitual language of 'intelectulism" covers over this"edge". Hedging all bets.
That’s what I meant by rebellion. Of course, it’s short lived. The rush of doing something “dumb” but for a moment feeling that edge.
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Hey Andrew,
I don’t know if you have been reading much of my recent post but I went through a process where ‘my’ high achiever personality had to use ‘his’ only tools (of being a “high achiever” ) to give ‘himself’ no choice but to eventually get exposed.
It was messy as ‘I’ had to use all of ‘my’ best tools, which one by one were shown to be faulty. They continued hanging on in the most tenacious manner until ‘I’ started running out of tricks. Of course ‘I’ then tried to keep using those same tricks under a different guise, but eventually this also ran out of any capacity.
For the one’s inclined towards intellectualisation it seems one of the best ways you can speed up this process is by honestly writing on here, and being prepared to be happily shown as wrong over and over. It seems it is doing exactly this that led to @henryyyyyyyyyy’s success recently. It was useful when @Vineeto suggested that I throw away any conception of appearing foolish, this advice meant that ‘I’ could as if vomit all of ‘my’ inner workings through ‘my’ writings
Then it is only a matter of time until these mechanisms (such as the intellectualisation) begin to show their cracks. The ‘intellectual’ can give ‘himself’ no choice but to be shown to be utterly wrong, and eventually to realise that ‘he’ is redundant.
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Yes, this is exactly what happened haha
Embarrassing, but necessary because I was already ridiculous, I just hadn’t exposed myself just yet in an obvious enough way. Perhaps the embarrassment is only a way to cover for myself anyway, as if to say I thought I was better than that… I wasn’t, but I can become better.
This also reminds me of Irene’s flip away from actualism. Richard describes it as she got “stage fright…” Richard was free and having all kinds of people over to talk, and she was there too, in virtual freedom! But because she had those few shreds of identity left, she became afraid of being exposed… it led to retreating, and ultimately to rejecting actualism and Richard.
When I became more excited by the potential than afraid of being exposed, it started to be worth it to expose myself (by freely saying what I really thought about this and that). Especially with @Vineeto participating in the forum, it’s an opportunity I didn’t want to pass up.
This seems similar to what the extreme athletes do? Chasing the ‘rush’ which can lead to PCE / EE. But it can also lead to its own identity, “I’m someone that does these cool extreme things”
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Andew: So, I use the habitual language of the oppressed to self-castigate. One of the time “honoured” habits, one I identified when leaving the DhO, is ‘intellectualisation’. It wasn’t until Henry started exploring its effects recently, that I started to contemplate it again. Vineeto pointing out the difference between adopting an “actualism” belief, vs experience of the feeling and reality and deciding what to do.
I went to the doctor, hoping to get government assistance to see a psychologist. Many have suggested this, even Richard (though not to me directly). My doctor (who has been my doctor for 25 years), refused. He said you are just bored and lonely! He proceeded to accompany my outside to inspect my motorcycle, and reminisce on his own from decades prior.
His diagnosis was refreshing. Cut through the ‘intellectualisation’. The habitual language of the oppressed is also the tool with which they oppress their children. I remember clearly ‘climbing into my head’ very early on, to escape. I like Vineeto reminding me of Linus’s blanket! (link) I grew up reading Peanuts. Such habitual language, and the resultant ‘climbing into my head’ can be safely discarded. (link)
Hi Andrew,
Welcome back. I am delighted to see you haven’t lost your sense of humour which I remember from your posts on the last Mailing List (link).
Now that you recognized that “‘intellectualisation’” and “‘climbing into my head’” can be safely discarded like Linus’s blanket, both Kuba’s and Henry’s reports will be encouraging to actualize your realisation, including the aspect to “throw away any conception of appearing foolish” which is often the hardest part at the start.
Kuba: For the one’s inclined towards intellectualisation it seems one of the best ways you can speed up this process is by honestly writing on here and being prepared to be happily shown as wrong over and over. It seems it is doing exactly this that led to Henry’s success recently. It was useful when Vineeto suggested that I throw away any conception of appearing foolish, this advice meant that ‘I’ could as if vomit all of ‘my’ inner workings through ‘my’ writings
Then it is only a matter of time until these mechanisms (such as the intellectualisation) begin to show their cracks. The ‘intellectual’ can give ‘himself’ no choice but to be shown to be utterly wrong, and eventually to realise that ‘he’ is redundant. (link)
Henry: Yes, this is exactly what happened haha
Embarrassing, but necessary because I was already ridiculous, I just hadn’t exposed myself just yet in an obvious enough way. Perhaps the embarrassment is only a way to cover for myself anyway, as if to say I thought I was better than that… I wasn’t, but I can become better.
This also reminds me of Irene’s flip away from actualism. Richard describes it as she got “stage fright…” Richard was free and having all kinds of people over to talk, and she was there too, in virtual freedom! But because she had those few shreds of identity left, she became afraid of being exposed… it led to retreating, and ultimately to rejecting actualism and Richard.
When I became more excited by the potential than afraid of being exposed, it started to be worth it to expose myself (by freely saying what I really thought about this and that). Especially with Vineeto participating in the forum, it’s an opportunity I didn’t want to pass up. (link)
As you can see, you won’t be alone in “appearing foolish” when you are prepared to be “be happily shown as wrong” and admit to yourself that you were “already ridiculous”. As a consequence you will become “more excited by the potential than afraid of being exposed”. You are already in like-minded company with those who, because of allowing to feel embarrassed are now more happy (and harmless) than before.
Andrew: That’s what I meant by rebellion. Of course, it’s short lived. The rush of doing something “dumb” but for a moment feeling that edge.
This seems similar to what the extreme athletes do? Chasing the ‘rush’ which can lead to PCE / EE. But it can also lead to its own identity, “I’m someone that does these cool extreme things”.
“Rebellion” has been your modus operandi since I started reading your posts on actualism forums. Now you can make use of this inclination for rebellion by rebelling in a way that can make a genuine and radical change – changing yourself fundamentally, radically, completely and utterly.
To begin with I recommend (if you are open to recommendation) to rid yourself of any resentment against being here and against the universe at large, which resentment tends to make one very serious, apart from being angry towards anything and anyone on top of it. Basic resentment demonstrably stands in the way of allowing oneself to be naïve, like a child again but with adult sensibilities.
Richard: The first and crucial step was to say ‘YES’ to being here on earth, for ‘I’ located and identified that basic resentment that all people that I have spoken to have. To wit: ‘I didn’t ask to be born!’ (Richard, List B, James, 17 Oct 1999a).
Richard: […] in 1980, ‘I’/‘me’, the persona that was, looked out deep into the inky darkness betwixt the twinkling stars and actually saw this vastness called the universe for the very first time … and temporarily disappeared; in 1980, this flesh and blood body experienced that this universe is magically capable of bringing this flesh and blood body into existence, is wondrously competent at keeping this flesh and blood body alive, and is amazingly able to bring this flesh and blood body to an end; in 1980, this flesh and blood body experienced that this universe was packed full of meaning and that the ‘I’/‘me’ had been searching everywhere for meaning in vain … it had already always been just here, right now, all along.
There is an unimaginable purity that is born out of the stillness of the infinitude as manifest at this moment in time and this place in space … but one will not come upon it by thinking about or feeling out its character. It is most definitely not a matter to be pursued in the rarefied atmosphere of the most refined mind or the evocative milieu of the most impassioned heart. To proceed thus is to become involved in a fruitless endeavour to make life fit into one’s own petty demands and desires.
In 1980, ‘I’/‘me’, the persona that was, saw that this universe is so enormous in its scope, so grand in its arrangement, so exquisite in its structure, that it was sheer vanity and utter insolence to presume that ‘his’ paltry demands and desires had any significance whatsoever.
They were consigned to the dust-bin of history. (Richard, List B, No. 21g, 26 Oct 2001)
After all, changing oneself can be immense fun, and your sense of humour – including humour when looking at yourself – can aid you immensely in recognizing that being alive is not a serious affair … and is certainly anything but “boring”.
Cheers Vineeto
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Thanks Henry, Kuba and Vineeto.
I was wondering what I had written that was funny and then I remembered I had posted about the fear of a Duck always watching you. Ah, yes, that would be it.
I am feeling a lot better over the last few days. The main change has been having fun learning Forex trading (trying to improve my lot, as “old mate” would say) which means I am not bored at night, and don’t drink alcohol.
The ‘intellectualisation’ has dropped off with these new actions.
The intellectualism was always a way to be "someone ', and it’s clear as age progressively makes me a “no one” in the eyes of many, the silliness of continuing isn’t hard to see.
Like the proverbial “throwing ones bike in the bushes” or “taking ones ball and going home” it’s been refreshing to have spent this time on my own. I haven’t been in, or persuing, or otherwise interested in romantic relationships for over a year now.
The link to Richards writing is always welcome.
His phrase “improving one’s lot” has always stood out to me.
That in many ways my efforts were misguided in this regard, both romantically and financially.
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.
Here is a picture of a mouse riding a cat, enjoy!
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I am writing this post for my own sake, as it’s something I don’t want to forget.
On the theme of intellectualisation ( I will call it IT for short), there is a strong fear, with a object of an “overwhelming power” that I am , through IT, trying to but failing to defend myself from.
For as long as I can remember, I would have morbid daydreams, and sometimes waking up dreams, of being in a court room facing charges, or on a street corner against a thug, some situation where I would be trying to placate the aggressor.
I am “pencilling in” my theory that it’s from my childhood growing up under the gaze of a wrathful and irrational god.
One is guilty, and there is nothing one can do about it but try and placate the aggressor who has all the power.
This MO came to the foreground this week.
I was accused, via my own son, by a director of the last company I worked for of a massive financial fraud. My son works part time at the last company, and was called in and interrogated by her.
Sparing unnecessary details, the fraud I was being accused of was for hundreds of thousands of dollars.
It kept me awake and stirred up a real life episode of the above explained defending myself against overwhelming odds.
I can’t say that without assuring the reader no such crime was committed. The director is a very unhinged person and she is probably addicted to something. She always seems to be high on coke to me.
Anyway, I sent an email to the GM, considered making a police report. I ended up speaking with the director (who denied the conversation took place, yet injected a reference to lawyers). I spoke with the GM who assured me no such accusation was being investigated. I was afraid my identity had been stolen, or I was being framed.
Later, a day after I calmed down enough to consider the facts, it occurred to me that it was impossible to frame me. Multi factor authentication alone means that even with my password breached, there is no way to create a false digital trail to me. For context, there was massive fraud (I am told) going on in the company.
What this has highlighted is the futility of IT. Intellectualisation is an emotional response. It pretends to be intelligent, but it’s not. The facts where always there. There never was a god. And while bullies and abusive people are all around, keeping safe isn’t as hard as I had always feared.
I had always kept my passwords to myself. I always wrote emails with anything I told directors.
However this fear and defence evolved in me , whether it was the religious upbringing, or something else, (most likely a combination of things and something more common to all afflicted with IT) , the feeling is one of freedom and light heartedness. Finally, after all these years, I genuinely see the silliness of something!!
What’s more, I can’t take myself so seriously (or anyone else). A perspective has opened up where I sense the irrational and dumb instinctive ‘base’ to myself and look out and see it everywhere! It’s humorous!
I obviously see the pain and misery, so I wouldn’t say it’s outright funny, but silly, definitely!
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