Andrew

[son_of_bob]

@Andrew

Syd was a more repressed version of me. We used to clash because I was somewhat more liberal than him, and would push his buttons, like those more liberal than me can push mine.

Lol. Interesting, I never thought of you as repressed. Again shows the discrepancies we have in the mental construct we have of others and ourselves. I wonder what you and others think of me now lol…pandoras box.

@Andrew

Like the affers, whose motto was “just have a PCE”, I would push him ""just get a girlfriend "!

That is hilarious. I never checked out the DhO or the Affers so I only have bits and pieces that were brought up about them in the previous forums.

@Andrew

Recalcitrant is what recalcitrant does.

I think that is the perfect word to describe Syd lol.

@Andrew

Your parents situation is interesting. I am very sure I have no idea who you really are. I have experienced this before online, where my mental image is way, way off the mark.

Yes I know what you mean. The video calls were interesting to put a face to a name or a voice for those who didn’t show an image.

[Miguel]

@Andrew

like those more liberal than me can push mine.

In what way “more liberal”? And what of your buttons can they push?

[Andrew]

My perception that others have less trouble enjoying and otherwise experiencing what Actualism is all about, but also in general when people seem to be more liberated emotionally (or not so repressed to begin with).

In various areas it’s clear I take everything very seriously, or more seriously, than some.

Its a confession of sorts, that I was doing to Syd what I perceived others would do to me. On occasion at least.

[Andrew]

I appreciate the discussions around integrity, and wanted to write about how this is working out for me.

In each situation, I feel certain pressure from within myself to be different people. Some of that pressure is good for increasing my enjoyment, some working against it.

Because I have been working on having as much integrity in what I talk about with clients, how I behave, what hours I invoice, what I produce in those hours, I am finding it so much easier to feel good during the day. It’s simplicity is like a stake in the ground, which I can always return to when it’s unclear what to say or do. It feels good.

As we have discussed, all the morals, rules, socialisation, etc are generally trying to shape behaviour towards ideal interactions. Often they go way too far, as in my Christianity hangover (“hell” is mighty big stick when conditioning kids), often they are just fades and fashionable social norms which are as misguided.

But, striping it all back to the ideal itself, it becomes far simpler. Like Richard and Devika aiming for “a man and woman living in peace and harmony”, I can aim for “me living in peace and harmony at work”.

It’s actually very well received.

There was a discussion at work which, as I had worked for 3 companies that were also pricing the projects, I knew everything about them. When the joke went around “Hey Andrew, can you log in to X company, and maybe just go for lunch?” I covered my ears and went “la,la,la, la,” and joked that “I am being very disciplined not to say anything”. At which point the General Manager said “Right Answer!”

Integrity is highly valued. They don’t have to know that I am aiming to imitate the perfection of the universe by “cleaning myself up” regarding integrity, they just see the fruit.

The means and the end are the same thing.

[Andrew]

I wrote a song a few weeks back, which has the following lyrics;

"I felt the spirit fall from me,
when you said I’d given it all for free,

I can’t be wrong anymore,
I have no more years left to waste,
I have one foot out the door,
There’s no more space, in my heart, for the game".

I had written it about something my recent ex had said to me. While spending time with her last night, I realised that she also could sing this about her ex. That we actually both knew what this feeling is. We had a great chat, dance and I really appreciate the types of conversations we have had since breaking up in April. She even was talking about that “we” as in people, didn’t make up the “program” we are living. It was nice to have topics that interest us both.

However, I felt the swirling of the darkness that is inside love. I felt afterwards, the starkness of the “desert of the real”.

I began to think today that I should record the song for her, but a line in the song keeps coming back. “I have one foot out the door”. I realised that either, psychologically, I put both “feet out the door” or forget about actualism all together if I am now going to start serenading her to “win” the game.

[Andrew]

Integrity.

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

Not to mention the rest of you

[Andrew]

I was thinking a lot about my feet being literally out the door!

Walking, I was doing my faux walking meditation and considered this fact. My feet are outdoors. Walking.

It is my psychic torso and head which are not.

“Step out of the ‘real’ world into the actual world
… and leave your ‘self’ behind”.

Leave my ‘heart’ behind. My ‘love’.

It was clear in retrospect that even though we love each other, love fails to bring intimacy. To bridge the gap.

I had never really appreciated that. That it was never a lack of love. Love has always been there, it just never worked.

I joked that it would not matter how hard we hugged each other, we can’t be “one”. It was obvious.

I feel my heart and mind are the psychic web. My feet seem to be freer than that.

I remember maybe 6 years ago an experience of my legs feeling amazing. Light, sensuous feelings. I have never heard anyone say they had a “part body PCE”

[Andrew]

I was just thinking about how I never really READ Richard’s writing closely.

So many things lately have come to my attention in this group that have come from what Richard wrote, and I have only now, a decade later, seen to be accurate.

I grew up believing in the inerrancy of the written bible. As a teenager I was actively learning both ancient Hebrew and Koine greek so I could read it in the original languages it was written.

Over the years, I came to have far less faith in anything anyone wrote.

However, Richard has always maintained the power of carefully reading what he writes. One can perhaps imagine why I would be less than receptive about such a claim. I am , or was, extremely damaged from believing such a thing.

However, perhaps it’s worth a shot. What do I have to loose?

Time to be a god who can read.

Time to be “remarkable”.

[Andrew]

“The way of becoming actually free is both simple and practical. For a start, one needs to fully acknowledge the biological imperative (the instinctual passions) which are the root cause of all the ills of humankind. The genetically inherited passions (such as fear and aggression and nurture and desire) give rise to malice and sorrow. Malice and sorrow are intrinsically connected and, being based in the instinctual passions, are the primary cause of all the wars and murders and rapes and tortures and domestic violence and child abuse and suicides and the such-like.”

This is from the front page of the AFT. I am pretty sure this used to say something about "One starts by dismantling the social identity ". I vaguely remember this being amended. This is a far more relatable “start”.

[Andrew]

Compassion, with a capital C has always been in the way of me reading the AFT because I was always reading it through other people’s eyes. How I imagined the masses to read it… I was compelled, conditioned and invested in “going forth and making disciples of all men”. The previous version of this passage had bothered me very deeply.

It may be worth noting that Richard said to me in person he had never encountered someone with my particular upbringing. This is statistically understandable. There is less than 3% (from memory) of Australians who attend church, of that, only a fraction ( maybe another 3%? Let’s stick with that, because heck, why not?) that are “Pentecostal”, and only a small percentage of those ever take it as seriously as I did.

I used to stay up all night as a kid speaking in tongues, praying for the world to be saved.

I am crying now a bit.

Can I really trust what Richard is writing?

I may as well. High functioning depression sucks donkey balls. Got nothing to loose.

[Andrew]

так,

I went outside for a smoke and cried my eyes out.

Richard also told me that I can save the world.

[Andrew]

Appreciating a fact is the way to neither accept or reject it.

I was thinking during another walk, lots of thinking.

I will not experience the bliss of what may be called “mutual chemistry” sexually. This is most likely a fact. The “program” of instinctual passion is based on the promise of bliss tragically regardless of the ability of the vessel to attract it- the beauty of the body.

Richard talks about the fact that “everyone dies” is why actual freedom is even possible. A different idea, but a similar theme is also in the suffering. The message that suffering delivers is " something is really going wrong!!!".

Also, though I can save the world, I was relieved (and so should the world be) that if I have any responsibility to save anyone, it would be those I can relate too; a tiny sub-set of Australian ex pentacostal Christian males, who experienced much the same as me. Which, on closer inspection is; me!!!

Which means I can safely stop journalling and recording, and otherwise being anxious when I forget some profound insight into all of this. That was my Compassion in operation. A feeling of responsibility to be able to lead others down the path I had travelled. Being 3% of 3% of 3% has it’s benefits after all.

No need to leave breadcrumbs. I am sure I will remember anything important if I ever meet another me.

[Andrew]

Apologies for spamming the forum, ignore at your leisure.

So, I was bang my head gently against the door, asking “why am I so sad?”

I felt sick thinking about her. Knowing what is going on psychically, but powerless to change anything.

That wasn’t it though. Just the usual scapegoat.

I was crying because I didn’t have a PCE today. Even though I felt that it was such a good idea.

It’s progress however. Crying about it means I want it.

No need to say anything, it’s just a record.

I find courage in the fact that even Richard, a 6’2" handsome man was cheated on so thoroughly by an otherwise unattractive wife. Then, he spent many years alone. I may well need help, but if he did the heavy lifting on his own, so can I.

[Andrew]

Woke up at 3am. Got up for an hour, then went back. Started feeling good. Really enjoyable feeling of everything is ok.

[Andrew]

I felt sick laying on her lap the other night. Love is a thin veil over the gaping horror of primal distress.

I remember clearly in my god days, laying next to my wife, knowing that my sexual desire was based in wanting to get back into the safety of the womb.

“Throw down your umbilical noose, so I can climb right back” Kurt Cobain, Heart Shaped Box. In Utero.

The goal of men is to turn women into their mothers, whilst remaining in control. The goal of women is to turn men
into their fathers, whilst remaining in control.

What a sorry, dizzy, dark and nauseating mess.

[Andrew]

https://youtu.be/n6P0SitRwy8

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

@Andrew

Love is a thin veil over the gaping horror of primal distress.

That’s what I’ve found as well… what does one do to investigate primal distress…

I suppose it doesn’t really go anywhere useful

Psychic current alert - I woke up this morning thinking about Kurt Cobain
“That’s ‘me’ in the corner - that’s ‘me’ in the spot-light”

Right about the same time you made that post actually

edit:

I’m so delighted to have arrived back at primal distress… it’s been years. This actualism is a funny business!

[Andrew]

What fascinated me thinking about it was how efficient it was.

Womb > primal self > Birth > primal distress> libido > Promise of bliss (a return to the womb).

The feeling of distress is reused in libido.

(This may be the male version, I saw it in a meditation when investigating being in love, whilst being in love, years ago)

But what if one is already safe?

[Andrew]

@henryyyyyyyyyy

thinking about Kurt Cobain
“That’s ‘me’ in the corner - that’s ‘me’ in the spot-light”

That’s Michael Stipe, R.E.M. They were actually going to do a project together, but Kurt suicided before they met.

Great song. It came up on YouTube when I was with the ex the other night.

I really don’t know what to do with that situation.

I guess there is only one thing to do, enjoy and appreciate this moment!!! Haha.

I need to stay still psychologically, and as much stillness as can be mustered psychically. Chasing women is chasing the promise of bliss.

It’s always been my morbid optimism, that is optimism based on slimmer odds than a lottery ticket and fuelled by the “primal distress”, that has driven all the chasing.

As much as I would like to “fuck them all”, the enjoying of this moment is not a lottery at all.

I love how some have described the pleasure of being free of a ‘self’ as an orgasmic feeling. That is something I am going to discover very soon.

Maybe in the next 10 seconds.