I am also lonely, sorta. But also pleased to be alone.
I can see that being alone is something i must achieve.
1 Like
Being understood, is really not that. It’s trying to understand. Trying to find the one reason.
Richard’s words, that “no one is in control” keep coming back.
Hmmm.
I sit at the cafe with my gourmet “chicken and avo” on Turkish bread. Lovely decor. Great music. Some obscure indie band.
Someone must have been in control on this. It’s very nice.
Maybe that is all the control possible. The decor and the sound tracks. 
A little vino on my gut. What’s producing all this? The chemicals will do whatever it is they do. This brain will do whatever it is that it does. Where do “I” fit in?
‘We’ get to choose the decor and soundtrack. Apparently. 
I doubt even that much.
But don’t let that distract you from your meal. Cheers! 
2 Likes
It was lovely. 
Great chat.
1 Like
Cheers. It was lovely.
I had a lovely time down at a mates farm. Rolling hills, gum trees, the milky way, a litre of rum, and conversation all night.
Falling asleep in a dusty caravan, on a bunk bed, I didn’t get the usual spinning of being very drunk.
I got this stunning visual in my minds eye. A golden weave, like a sea of interlocking crystalline hemp, shining and glistening. I fell asleep so quickly, but the emotional peace of feeling good, having been almost breaking my neck all night gazing into the galaxy for eight hours, was a welcome relief from work, relationship drama and war.
3 Likes
This is the drama of my life right now.
Expected to “Be a Man”.
What a crock of shite.
2 Likes
Так, we are broken up officially, again. For the nth time.
However, there is a very positive upshot. I know that it was me being angry about the expectations to “be a man” and my/her beliefs about it.
I want to be circumspect, because maybe one day she may have a PCE and read all my rambling.
If you are still reading, любимая, well done! See? I was trying.
Another situation also revealed the weakness of “being a man”, but again, circumspection required.
Having said that, my own sincerity is being tested as to whether i am cherry picking actualism for my own benefit, or i am prepared to be free of this belief.
Audio convos with other actualist are really helping me a lot. The memory of your voices is so much more powerful to me than the abstraction of text.
Sorry to hear about the breakup mate. Listen, this whole being a “man” business is rigged. What makes a “man” anyway? Is it the power in his hand? Is it his quest for glory? Maybe it’s just having a laugh at the whole thing altogether.
Hope you like the tune
1 Like
Awesome tune. @rick
I am fine with the breakup, she is very upset, but we are still talking.
She has recently come in contact with a group that deals with types of childhood trauma, and done a few sessions with them. She seems to have talent for it, she reported being able to really cry and then “give back” the trauma in a session and feel good immediately. Her new found therapy has the premise of wearing “masks” to cover trauma.
It is also intense for me, in that i can see the “be a man” is definitely the source of resentment.
I haven’t seen i am that resentment, but i can at least identify the beliefs around it.
So for the first time, we have something we can talk about, or better said, she has an experience of working through something in a framework, and has a nomenclature to go with it.
I resist commenting on any of it, and just let her know i like hearing about her adventures.
We were fighting verbally, but that’s actually progress for both of us as we are very conflict avoidant.
Overall, though we are officially “off”, i think we are actually just beginning. Though i am not pushing for anything really, as i have said to her; often i have broken up precisely because i don’t want to keep pushing her.
This “be a man” belief is in both. So, it explains why unilateral dismantling is difficult. In me at least.
Maybe others have a different experience.
2 Likes
I think you’re hyper focusing. The “be a male” focus might just be a distraction from the bigger picture.
2 Likes
@emp I was thinking something along similar lines if I understand you correctly.
I do remember in my past relationships I was accused of not being a man. The answer to this was not to be more of a man however the accusations did actually point to something in me.
I was back then very anxious and confused about the ‘right’ way to be, which meant a lot of the time I simply took the path of avoidance in life, I hid away from life so that my anxieties would never come to fruition and in most situations instead of action I was frozen in confusion and anxiety, it also meant that a lot of the time I was very self centred and inconsiderate as I was mostly grasping for ‘my’ security.
What I wonder is whether this accusation of not being a man could have been more to do with my partner seeing that I was not being my best. Of course my partner at the time accusing me of this was the least helpful way to interact with me in order for me to be better as it just loaded me with more shame and guilt, leading to more anxiety and insecurity so we all know this is not the way to go.
However this does not change the fact that there were these things in me and that I could have been better.
@Andrew I am not aware of the exact situation so I am not implying that this is exactly what is going on, however is there a chance that the reason this ‘being a man’ is a such a sticking point is exactly because the accusation has something to ‘stick’ to within yourself? As such it has the potential to cause the defensive reaction of riling against having to ‘be a man’?
2 Likes
I think there is something to that suspicion. Sometimes one does not really grasp what it is that is bothering them about the other, or whether there is any validity to that bother, because the discontent is mixed up with their own disorders, and their attempt to explain the whole mess takes the form of cultural trope.
But underlying that, it could merely be a messy expression of the hurt or offense at the subtle harms the other is inflicting, probably without realizing it.
1 Like
I don’t doubt that these are all useful observations. If i have learnt anything from all these years, it’s very difficult to pin down one simple answer, mainly because there rarely is one!
There are layers. Plenty of them, and tangents, and as Vineeto called them “furphies”.
I am pretty sure that the direction is correct. It’s also about being unaware of any other way of being. The whole “be a man” is a psychic construct, and being that, it’s not something absolute.
It comes also down to being direct in how i speak, while being as harmless as possible. It comes down to bravery, to be able to leave behind versions of who i thought was important.
Actually, less bravery now, far less. As it’s my view that at 46 most of the “teeth” of the “be a man” belief, conditioning etc, are naturally blunt.
I don’t think i would have seen it if it were not so blunt, and now mostly redundant.
So, for a lot of what i can do about it is to be more direct, and as harmless in that as possible. Have more fun, and generally be happier and more confident in be a happy person, rather than try and not “be a man”.
Which circles back to the whole “pimp” idea. That it’s only my weakness, laziness, and depression that leads to being angry at the other for “manipulating” me.
That’s a great point @Kub933, about the other knowing that this isn’t the best version of myself.
There is a braver, happier, more sincere and direct version. Some may see that as more of a “man”, but the actual situation would be more of an autonomous person.
2 Likes
I have a job interview at a company owned by a multinational tomorrow. One of the big international players in my industry. . Big time stuff. It’s a great time to have been made aware, that there is a better version of me available.