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I sorta figured that it will make more sense once I start to change more.
Sorta like Indiana Jones. One steps out, and “oh, there actually is a way here”
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Long before actualism, I was already beating myself up.
Many already do that for various reasons.
Mine has a cross involved. A whole stale, archaic tradition based an the very real psychedelic trips of peasant Jews.
Make no mistake, psychedelic experience is the original source of change. Every single culture I know of has a tradition which, when stripped of the crusty and arcane literature, is basically those who would only go “half way” in some sort of “trip”.
Before I had ever heard of this guy and his theory, I had already tripped on LSA, in the form of Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds. I sat at my, somewhat ironically, Jewish DJs house in the rich leafy suburbs of Perth seeing that all of my religious traditions were just a way of navigating “putting oneself back together”.
The whole thing, was originally a trip.
How horrible to have all the rules and strictures of religion, without the original experience they were birthed in!
How is actualism any different really?
Wasn’t it a mushroom trip in 1980 which started all of this?
Isn’t it really that because it is highly illegal here, in Australia, that none of that information could be expounded upon?
Richard could hardly go public with a method, which, as he and others would have been well aware of, had psychedelic roots?
He was brave enough to not keep it a secret. However, because of the prevailing legal system, in this convict psychic desolation we call “Australia”, no further advice could be really be offered on the subject.
Sensible. For sure.
No one can fault someone keeping the legal laws of their country, considering the consequences of not doing so.
However, the internet is a different place than it was in 1992.
I can boldly say “I grew over 200 grams of Cubensis” and the fact is, unless you have a warrant, that is just a lie I told my obscure internet cult friends.
For the record, I know the police really well. I know there are those in the police that would indeed have a field day trying to destroy an obscure harmless “cult” such as ours.
I have been a child asleep in a truck when the police literally broke in an abducted myself and my brother, interrogated us in a stark white room.
All because my father wouldn’t give them his name.
The police in Western Australia, at least in the 1980s, were a law unto themselves.
The question is, and I am already answering it, will anyone talk about psychedelic experiences and actualism?
Right now, all across the internet, any number of hienous things are being promoted.
I know of at least one good cop. I assume there are more.
We talk of “breaking rules” as if there is no consequences. There are.
There are also consequences for keeping rules specifically designed to stop you exploring beyond what is considered “normal”.
Read between the lines and use your intent to find a way.
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The sheer irony of being ostensibly a member of a cult dedicated to being “happy and harmless” and in danger of incarceration over a mushroom.
The last laugh will be on them. My brother was good friends with (name withheld) who runs the entire underground in Perth. He used to sit outside in Casuarina Maximum security prison, with him. He was effectively in the upper circles of the “bikies underworld”.
Yes, you read that correctly, the entire Underworld is run from the “self care” unit of the maximum security prison.
If they wanted steaks for dinner, my brother would get on the golf cart and drive to the kitchen to get them.
I am tired of sneaking around this shit hole system.
For what it is worth, I am lying to you. Made it all up.
Funny what the internet became isn’t it? From the height of sharing information, to the depths of draconian control.
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Ok, boy who cried wolf, is really crying wolf. Scouts honour! No PCE, not actually free. Sorry!
Text chatting with Henry, we were both exploring where we were at.
What had started in Sunday’s trip, came back as I was chatting.
Straight to the point;
I had completely conflated and pasted my previous experiences of “we are all one” with the “psychic web”.
All of a sudden I see that ‘I’ am , at very best a force field extending 2mm from my skin.
Beyond that, it’s the actual world.
All the “psychic currents and vibes” are deliberately extending our from me. Who knows how? No idea.
But everything else is the actual world. I am this very thin bubble of feelings around and generated by this body.
Holy fish balls.
Damn. If I had read a bit more carefully, that would have been obvious in the very description that Richard gives; a psychic web!
Like a spider it’s being deliberately (although automatically and blindly) “spun”.
I will leave it to future scientists to work out how on earth that happens, or more likely, everyone will be free and no one will care, as there is no one left generating it to study.
Had a really great day.
I don’t think in the decade of being interested in actualism, I have ever really had success seeing through a belief until yesterday.
It was right there all along.
I just assumed the Richard was talking about the same thing.
But, what I didn’t see it they are not even vaguely the same thing.
There is no “global oneness”. It was always a myth.
A passionate imagination.
Even the collective unconscious is a myth.
Maybe, pre 1992 that wasn’t the case. Everything I was reading and had been reading through the years after leaving Christianity assumed that “collective oneness” was a real thing.
The difference is night and day.
I feel like a huge weight lifted off me.
‘I’ am a locally generated thing, with a barely better than chance connection to other locally generated ‘I’ s.
It means the previous picture/ belief I had is completely false. I somehow thought that the ‘real world’ was something pasted over everything, as in really out there covering over the trees etc.
It’s not. It’s something in my brain. A filter in my head. Absolutely nothing of that ‘reality’ is actually “out there” beyond this body, except for the rather hard to prove “psychic currents” which again, may have a slightly better than chance communication of feeling information.
What’s more, this was on every second page of the AFT.
The theme of 2022 up until now has been “what else wasn’t I reading with my eyes open?”
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In case you have been able to observe the details, it would be useful to describe/report the process of how this success (this realisation) happened, in line with @bub’s inquiry about how to question beliefs (and addressed by @claudiu in Bubs b2wf journal - #18 by claudiu)
I wonder if the next sticking point might be on the radar now - Not just that reality is a passionate myth, but ‘me’ in ‘my’ totality is equally a passionate myth. In actuality ‘I’ simply don’t exist.
Actually I had a really cool experience last night when falling asleep, it reminded me of what it is like when I have tripped on psychedelic drugs.
It is like the mind was observing itself, the entire inner reality was sorta left to unfold itself. This reality was observed to be constructed from these constantly shifting/overlaying images, like a projector wildly shooting out various images. No matter how hard I tried to look outside of this reality I couldn’t, because I was a feature of this very process. It was like this never ending onion, as soon as I thought I peeled the last layer I realised that I was ‘being’ yet another layer! So from this view point the ‘inner reality’ was seen as actually all encompassing for ‘me’, it is a never ending construct for ‘me’ because ‘I’ am a feature of the construct. So in a sense there is despair at this (no way out) but also there is something mind-blowing that I was getting glimpses of. The mind-blowing thing being that actuality is literally another world, the ramifications of this being something that I can’t really even begin to comprehend right now… That when ‘I’ go, an entire world becomes extinct, and an entirely new genuine world is found.
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Hmm, as always @Miguel you ask the real questions.
I was pondering, “what is the next big thing?” whilst having the best walk/think of the year.
I pondered while walking, something along the lines of “why I hadn’t seen this before?” and it seems to me that by the time I had encountered actualism, I was like a ship-wreck survivor; washed up on the beach of actualism, barely breathing.
I had zero naivete left… barely hope left in a way. Richard was this distant figure that gave me something of a “permission” to change the circumstances of my life.
You ask “how did I investigate this belief?”
There is no “how”. There is only a person that, by sheer “recalcitrant stubbornness” and the mysterious patience of those here, and previously, who put up with me, including those with no interest in actualism at all, have displayed.
How?
No idea.
I just keep posting, and talking people’s ears off, and trying, and sinking, and otherwise trying again. Then posting and trying to help, but probably not helping, then not trying, then, sorta almost trying.
At some point, I must have mentioned to my ex girlfriend, how much I wanted to try mushrooms.
Out of the blue, she messaged me and I had 2 grams.
I was scared. I had given up on that, because I suppose I feared a “bad trip”, but perhaps more powerfully, they were a hope I didn’t want to see disappointment in.
If I were to try and sum up how someone might avoid a decade of “not getting it” it would be;
Read. Very. Carefully.
Which is, somewhat conveniently, exactly what I am doing now.
Henry pointed this out whilst texting the other day, “maybe that’s where that naive guy is buried”.
When I was a teen, I had an entire bookshelf of dictionaries , and interlinear Bibles, and such. I would spend hours reading and searching, ofretranslating and exegesis. I could read Koine greek, and translate Hebrew.
I think the sheer disappointment of a decade of that was actually the last blow to any “naivete” towards what I read.
It all became “fingers pointing at the moon”, a moon that no-one had been to, or at least that I could see.
Yet here is Richard saying you can precisely describe feelings, and processes, and that words mean something.
There must have been some long forgotten ember of that teen still alive. However, not alive enough to actually do it again.
I took the permission to try and “enjoy my life”. A decade later, things are clicking thanks to a myriad of factors and so far quite a lot of mushrooms.
How does one investigate?; ‘one’ doesn’t. One does whatever one can do to make sense of it, and one keeps going.
That is almost the definition of being a child. Did we “investigate”? No, we were curious, trusting, gullible even, enthusiastic, even in the face of pain.
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To go further, and if @bub is interested in knowing the “better intention” of my unfriendly “welcome”, it is that all those who have gone before are complete liars.
They deliberately obscured what was possible because they saw the opportunity to have power over people. To get the chicks, to be someone.
So I guess my reaction, whilst unpleasant, was the beginning of the “investigation” into what it was I was still believing.
I was obviously angry.
I didn’t really know why.
To be honest, I held on to it being something useful I had done. Like a “fire and brimstone” preacher.
However, I was invested in the feeling of being useful in that moment. It wasn’t until " I was @bub" in the 3rd trip that I knew I had something going on.
The question I had going into the first trip and second was something like “why don’t I have any intimacy with myself?”
I was at war with myself.
When we had the “wiki” here, that’s when I started noticing, and even explicitly said so, that I was writing for the memory of who I was at 36, when I first encountered all of this.
I wanted to get through to him. Indeed, that’s really the only person I really know.
So what advice can I give?
Get to know yourself, and if you can bring yourself to do it, make the most of this amazing forum and post as much as you can.
You will, at some point, like me, reread the hundreds of posts and see all the great advice you didn’t listen to. No worries, it’s there now, and can be reread. Just like the AFT.
So be it! Millions of words. Is that such a bad price? A bit of thumb exercise?
There is nothing lost in trying.
Everything is lost in not trying.
Indeed, maybe better than the AFT*, because that advice was specifically addressed to you.
*Sacrilege! Burn him!!
So, I took my own advice and start reading this journal from the beginning.
I can honestly say I feel ready to take this advice. Not as a compliant soul, acknowledging some unobtainable “correct” point of creed, but as someone who realises that I believed that I had to do all the heavy lifting.
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It’s been interesting to experience what having a lot of psilocybin in my system on Sundays, feels like over the rest of the week.
Apparently, it remains in one’s system, and reduces linearly over the following days.
I definitely felt this during the week. The trip is over by the night, but there is the momentum of what one sees and realised which seems to become more “distant” as the days go by.
The memory of being free of some aspects of identity doesn’t fade, but the process of incorporation into a new identity begins.
What I have noticed is the very present awareness that “things can be very different” and an increased sensitivity to how I “come across” and also what I dwell on as a feeling being.
There is far more immediate awareness of how I am in situations as a feeling.
One can’t trip that hard, see one’s feelings spread out like a kaleidoscope and quickly forget.
I also have a theory, which others may be able to chime in on; psilocybin seems to act on the 'feeling being '. As in, whatever sensory distortion is there, it is there because it’s being filtered by ‘me’.
I would be very interested in finding out what effects psilocybin has on an actually free person.
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Yes I have definitely observed this over time with the actualism method. If I do trip now there is almost no ‘tripping’ as such, as in the visual distortion barely happens. Instead there is an increase in how brilliant everything is… colours popping, increased clarity in seeing, everything looking more interesting etc
So in short it seems nowadays the psychedelic drugs bring me more into marvelling at the world around and less into some ‘inner world’ although ‘I’ am still there when I’m tripping, though the experiences can be somewhat PCE like, except there is always that very thin bubble of ‘me’ that I can’t pop.
It was interesting comparing notes with a friend on ketamine actually because I only experience the physical side of it now whereas he is doing quantum leaps into different worlds haha.
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Thanks. Very interesting.
This Sunday will be interesting. I have been looking after myself far better, sleeping more , drinking less, so with any luck I will be fresh on Sunday morning.
6g’s dried , at once, is the plan.
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This made me think back to some of my trips and comparing those experiences to PCEs. I do think they can be very close indeed, definitely in the right direction, I do remember usually coming out of a trip with a renewed intent to ‘go for it’, in terms of living the PCE.
I remember going to watch some horse races last year with some friends and we took 2cb, it was a really wonderful sunny day.
I remember the atmosphere of that day, experiencing the largesse of the universe, all so magnificent and simply here. I always get this experience when on psychedelics that I think comes close to experiencing others as a flesh and blood body only.
I always call them ‘goblins’ 
. It’s like often when I am tripping I begin to experience people as if they are some only just discovered race of underground goblins - ‘warts and all’ also comes to mind haha. It’s like all the labels that are usually projected over the flesh and blood bodies are removed and there are now these super interesting creatures running about. I cannot help but be utterly fascinated by them, there is also a quality of caring that automatically flows from this because how would I want anything but the best for them.
And then the cool thing is that I then notice I am also one of those goblins. There is a certain ‘humility’ that comes with this, it is not that I put myself down but more like I get off the exalted position of being an identity and I live as this goblin creature. Then there is no more resentment towards this body and its processes, no more shame in being what I am because it is all so marvellous. There is an integrity to these experiences, a fellowship regard and so much fun.
I wonder if what you get out of a trip is primarily related to what your intent is, because I know a lot of my friends value the exploration of some ‘other worlds’ and that is exactly what they find. I am only interested in coming out to play and this is what seems to happen. But the other thing as well is that the normal approach to these experiences is that they are cool but that’s it, it’s naive to try to aim for them but actually I think those experiences are probably more inline with the actual nature of the universe than the place ‘I’ live in day to day haha.
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This is interesting because I can’t find the correct word for this. It seems to be what humility aims for but can never reach. It’s something very organic, with integrity. It is all to do with being what I actually am and the automatic gracefulness, caring and wonder that comes with this, but it is all very ordinary and down to earth at the same time.
Actually it’s interesting comparing experiences of these ‘wonderful goblins’ to the assholes cutting me off in traffic Perhaps this is a good direction to look in.
100% .
As I mentioned to Henry and on here, I have tripped just as hard without a single drug of any kind. For less time, but same intensity.
“One only find what one brings with them”
absolutely no doubt about this.
Mushrooms are such interesting organisms. The act of cultivation (completely lying, never even seen a mushroom) is fascinating.
The mycelium, the fruiting body, the spores.
It’s all extremely “warts and all”. It really can’t get any more down to earth than the life cycle of a mushroom.
Apparently. From what I have read on the internet. Never seen one myself.