Yes, very much so. At least, that is what has been coming up when I try to get to that place.
It’s also the normal fear of losing myself, I suppose.
Which is why contemplating oblivion / death, the fact I am already relying on an actual heart beat is so clarifying.
The question might be - what happens when you contemplate the fact that we’re actually here, alive, without bringing fear/God into it?
Yes, that’s essentially what I am doing, and what I found was that fear. So, instead of the historical despondency kicking in, there is a lateral thinking. Going at it from different angles.
For context, over the last decade I have spent thousands of hours going for walks, and in different situations, trying to have PCEs. However, my dedication and patience to examine what is in the way has been lacking.
Scratching the surface and calling it an investigation at best.
I am experimenting with my “oblivion bin” for just this reason. Somewhere Richard talks about “putting your normal self to one side”.
Essentially this, but with the momentum of recognising that “what is in it for me” as a feeling being is oblivion.
Essentially taking it repeatedly off it’s pedestal and “binning” it, is the same as minimising “good and bad” feelings, whilst ramping up the enjoyment and feeling good.
The feeling good is still somewhat muted, with details coming out stubbornly.
But, details are coming out. Hence the excitement, and I suppose some thrill of putting myself mentally in the space of someone who could, given the opportunity, ‘self’ immolate.
I have my own actually free person with me 24/7.
He does have a hard time getting a word in edgeways though.
RESPONDENT: (For the ‘I’ everything stops, but for the native intelligence, doesn’t everything come together in a manner of speaking?).
RICHARD: In a manner of speaking …yes (except that it has been together all along but could hardly get a word in edgeways, so to speak, and in those moments has no hindrance)
Serendipity describes the last couple of days.
Chatting with Rick, he spotted that despite me asserting I was removing obstacles, as in mentally not making any excuses about not having PCEs mainly, I was still putting an obstacle in my way; an external reason to “do this”.
Miguel’s post regarding wanting to end others suffering, but not one’s own, was a bullet to the head.
Despite having a blast last night reading and writing about cause and effect (it was the time aspect that really grabbed me), today I was really flat. Like I dropped back to a previous version of myself. The whole rebellion against anything sensible was there, but I started to let it sink in what Miguel was saying. Ending my suffering first.
I determined by the end of the day that at least some of it is seeing myself through others eyes. My whole life situation. My lack of prosperity, and my lack of drive to change that being dominant features. I don’t care about myself to the “standard” I imagine I should.
So, I reset the bar a whole lot lower.
Survive.
I am surviving physically fine. And this is enough for the purpose of actualism. It actually relieved some of the despondency.
It seems to be all the same thing however. Not putting the ending of my own suffering first, it the same same as not financially prospering.
It helped shake loose some more details of other actions I could take.
Well, one action specifically. I had the chat history of my recent ex on my phone, obviously. What I had let myself “get away with” was clicking on it to see when she had last been on the app.
Soft stalking, I suppose. I knew it was silly, but just like all the years of letting myself get away with rumination and fantasy, I had to be honest. As long as the chat was there, I would keep checking. The fantasy being she was visiting the chat. So I deleted it. I felt a twinge of pain, and saw that, Yep! that was a factor in the overall feeling. She isn’t blocked, or anything like that. I just admitted that it wasn’t helping with “flare ups” having it available.
I suppose it’s as silly as being on a diet, yet keeping a pile of chocolates on the table.
So it’s perfect that I am surviving fine. Food, shelter, clothes (had a good time shopping last weekend, which is a first for me- I usually hate clothes shopping).
Now, to pay some bills. Tomorrow, obviously. I don’t want to be too keen. Ease myself into this being sensible stuff. 
In my experience this tends to happen a hundred times and eventually I look back to see that this whole chunk of ‘me’ is now missing. I think in general there could be more light shed on just in what way these habitual patterns disappear over time.
All these affective structures can be so persistent, I guess it is helpful to bear in mind that you have been supporting them - or more specifically ‘being them’ for so many years. You will habitually drift back ‘there’ each time. But every time attentiveness is applied and every time I get back to feeling good something does happen.
But there is so many ways that the dissolution of these dramas can happen, sometimes its a one-and-done sorta thing, sometimes I attack it from multiple angles for months and it goes, sometimes to my surprise it comes back from the dead as I realise there are some unexplored aspects which have resurfaced, sometimes it does its big last blow-out before I am ready to leave this part of me behind, sometimes it shifts into something different just so that some drama can continue etc
This whole process can be quite intense emotionally I find because there are so many shifting things, constantly shifting. And of course ‘I’ will do my best to resist any sort of change away from ‘normal’ so this can bring up all sorts of weird emotional reactions.
Cheers Kuba.
Hmm, I was wondering more about it, and the aspect of what I was feeling and the action I took where the same drama.
As you say, this is something I have been for a very long time. My entire MO since even before puberty. I must be something to others, especially women, or I am nothing at all.
Having been married at 21, first daughter at 23 (died) first son at 24 ( now 22) there was never that period of “finding my feet”, having a value that was something I invented. My value was always what I could do for women and children.
I mean “invented” in maybe having my own vision. Actual value is intrinsic. Humans are amazing creatures which don’t need validation to be so.
Which is nice to write out on the screen. Survival, or better put, living a simple life with all the necessities, and a few luxuries, is more than enough for me to succeed.
Funnily, I just watched the Kenobi series on Disney, with him as a hermit. It’s nothing like that! Neither is it building a “persona” or becoming Diogenes, embittered and in opposition to a more prosperous life.
It’s that I need to want to end suffering in me, rather than do it out of some obligation.
it’s a new turn of perspective, there are lots of different thoughts and paths that are occurring to me.
•there is more of the Christian conditioning coming out.
•more of the “finding the One” feeling there.
•a whole issue about not really “feeling caring” at all. This one is a Christian thing too.
Anyway, cheers for the response. 
I spent half the day at my mom’s house. It was very pleasant, which isn’t normally the case. Ended up fixing some plumbing for her after we went to the hardware store together.
I found it really easy to chat with her. Listening to her stories. Telling her about were I am at with actualism.
I felt a genuine experiential confirmation that something has changed in me. Something which normally reacts around her wasn’t there at all.
I was pleasantly surprised at my demeanor. The genuineness of doing some work for her was a pleasure. Although there was some using the Lord’s name in vain, and blood was spilt. (Who designs pliers with cutting edges on the handle side?!!! Jeez!!!).
I could become actually free right now.
But, I don’t. But I could.
It’s the map I create for myself, the story I created, the pilgrimage I embarked on.
None of these are dictated by the actual.
I made them.
I noticed in the reported paths to , or during the event of self-immolation itself, the absolute ‘knowing’ that ‘i’ am the issue. The evil in the world. The source of misery and malice.
I decided to explore this, and the first obvious thing is “meta-feelings”, feelings about feelings.
Blame. It’s like a circular disc which I think is going towards someone else, but it’s cutting through me at the same time. The culpability I ascribe to others, after some feeling it out, is my own as well. Expecting “better” from others when the same “better” is lacking in me.
Guilt. Avoiding guilt seems to be natural. Or will be masked by self-recrimination. It’s easier to be angry at oneself than to feel guilty.
I had some success doing some faux “calm-abiding” meditation, I remembered @Srinath exploring"emotional tunnels", as if he could crawl into them and expand them out.
Having had success in previous months looking at the feelings already obvious in my thoughts, I started there. It’s really tricky.
The mental habits of being harsh and critical are immediate and automatically there. I must remind myself to explore, rather than indulge.
It seemed that the “critic/blame” tunnel runs off into the future. Like a pipe leading to more pipes, feeding into a stream of thinking.
It worked to get my inspiration back. I clearly saw the blame holding me in place, dragging me down. I got off the couch and went to the gym as it was clear that it all starts with looking after one’s body.
There was also, but this was yesterday, a peace I found in seeing the “predator who thinks it’s a victim” dynamic in my recent ex. Which quickly I could see in myself.
Like Annie Lennox sang; “the greatest coward can hurt the most ferociously”.
I sorta got off track in that post…
I mean when I go looking for the experience of being rotten, feeling out the landscape, I come first across all the “moral defence” mechanisms of deflection
Blame, guilt, etc, all are hiding places that I use to avoid exposure.
Even that has a moral tone.
I notice that all the time in myself. Like I write the post about elegance and I have to ensure that it’s written in a way that’s elegant, oopsie 
, it’s all good though as long as it’s all taken stock of.
Haha, yeah. Well, I did say above that “blame” pattern is immediate and automatic.
Actually, people have picked that up about me in real life, the unconscious harshness towards myself. I just don’t notice.
Regarding seeing that moment or really knowing I am the problem; I can intellectually see it, easily. What I want is a more abiding affective knowing, which on the occasion recently (laughing at my ex and myself equally) had a very humourous feeling. Otherwise, it’s a serious game; the “blame” business.
It had been bothering me for weeks why I couldn’t stop thinking about talking with my recent ex. I knew that I had seen whatever silliness about the situation, in myself.
It is a belief about power.
There is a secondary frustration in the whole thing though. I know all the “right” things to say to have power. I know that all I have to do is lie.
I installed a dating app two days ago. Heaps of matches with the usual parade of copy and paste lists of demands on female profiles.
All I have to do is lie to “win”.
The 60+ matches with women my own age could be hundreds with younger women with one magic sentence;
“Open to having children”.
Which is ironic, because there is a part of me that is, under very specific circumstances involving an actually free me. However, I have no right to choose what he wants to get what I want.
I could always open with;
“looking for a partner who doesn’t mind if ‘I’ disappear at any moment. No dogs, please”.
“Searching for my ‘soulmate’ so we can psychically ‘self’ immolate together. Also, I like walking on the beach”
“Would prefer company as I seek to end ‘humanity’. Love to travel.”
Something happened this afternoon, a happiness snuck up on me.
Every mental blame keeps circling back to me.