Serendipity describes the last couple of days.
Chatting with Rick, he spotted that despite me asserting I was removing obstacles, as in mentally not making any excuses about not having PCEs mainly, I was still putting an obstacle in my way; an external reason to “do this”.
Miguel’s post regarding wanting to end others suffering, but not one’s own, was a bullet to the head.
Despite having a blast last night reading and writing about cause and effect (it was the time aspect that really grabbed me), today I was really flat. Like I dropped back to a previous version of myself. The whole rebellion against anything sensible was there, but I started to let it sink in what Miguel was saying. Ending my suffering first.
I determined by the end of the day that at least some of it is seeing myself through others eyes. My whole life situation. My lack of prosperity, and my lack of drive to change that being dominant features. I don’t care about myself to the “standard” I imagine I should.
So, I reset the bar a whole lot lower.
Survive.
I am surviving physically fine. And this is enough for the purpose of actualism. It actually relieved some of the despondency.
It seems to be all the same thing however. Not putting the ending of my own suffering first, it the same same as not financially prospering.
It helped shake loose some more details of other actions I could take.
Well, one action specifically. I had the chat history of my recent ex on my phone, obviously. What I had let myself “get away with” was clicking on it to see when she had last been on the app.
Soft stalking, I suppose. I knew it was silly, but just like all the years of letting myself get away with rumination and fantasy, I had to be honest. As long as the chat was there, I would keep checking. The fantasy being she was visiting the chat. So I deleted it. I felt a twinge of pain, and saw that, Yep! that was a factor in the overall feeling. She isn’t blocked, or anything like that. I just admitted that it wasn’t helping with “flare ups” having it available.
I suppose it’s as silly as being on a diet, yet keeping a pile of chocolates on the table.
So it’s perfect that I am surviving fine. Food, shelter, clothes (had a good time shopping last weekend, which is a first for me- I usually hate clothes shopping).
Now, to pay some bills. Tomorrow, obviously. I don’t want to be too keen. Ease myself into this being sensible stuff. 