Ah, thanks Vineeto!
Yes, “the special I should be” and the feeling of creating a false self image when others look at me.
Self-conscious, definitely, but the nature of it is a false image of how I look.
This is all rather “modern psychology “, but it does link back to what I am doing.
“Swinging” back and forth is a great metaphor! Yes, I have seen this before in a different context (being heart broken), and I was very conscious of trying to be in the middle, not on one of the other end of it.
Today, getting a new filling at the dentist, I was aware of a different way I was behaving. Just being there. Relating and otherwise enjoying the experience. I don’t know the dentist, same clinic but first time this dentist had worked on my teeth. She seemed somewhat similar to me emotionally. There was something in how almost apologetic she was, and later when I could feel what a skilled job she had done, I recognised something.
That something is being unable to just “be” with skills and “be” with what is happening. There is again a “swing” to being apologetic, or (in my case) being boastful. While the skill, it speaks for itself.
As I am not working, and at the moment letting myself have something of a “week off”, I started to let the day “live me” in the small way that I can muster. This was in contrast to a way of being that I can’t actually muster up anymore. The “push myself “ way of being.
I am enjoying the fact that my circumstances are now secure. Not that I want to presume upon my mother, but my situation is factually secure.
My aim is to continue to use this rare opportunity of factual security to continue to “feel into” whatever is in the way (and obviously has been in the way) of genuinely enjoying life, for its own sake.
In other news, the insights into life and its place in the cosmos have been proving very enjoyable. Some of my natural inquisitive nature is coming out, and after enjoying a great conversation with a friend who point out that humans are naturally separating themselves, and everything else, into seperate “things”, I started to get a glimpse of the type of wonder Richard was insisting I generate in our afternoon talking about science.
The universe is indeed far more wonderful that I can imagine or conceive! That is starting to sink in, and with the time I have at them moment, there is more of that interest and enthusiasm coming through.
Cheers
Andrew