Andrew

[Vineeto]

@Andrew

@Vineeto

Your deeper explorations into the various levels of shame may or may not be necessary or beneficent to grasp the fundamental fact that ‘you’ are not to blame, that it is not ‘your’ fault. Here is an example of what Richard says about shame and guilt –

Thanks Vineeto,

Indeed, my focus is using all of this to get even more detailed kindness happening. And that is what I have been doing.

Seeing every subtle way that a shameful and shaming, or avoiding shame thought and internal dialogue happens.

I see it also in everyday exchanges, and also in the way English is even structured. There is an imperative built in, and it shortens our sentences down to a verb. You “should” do this, or why did you “do” that?

There is so much packed into each sentence, but mostly the verbs. A lot can be said for longer and more detail internal dialogue which is what I have been doing.

Letting thoughts extend to give time for the most inclusive and gentle observations and decision making.

For example, what I might normally say internally: “I should clean the car so I can sell it”

A kinder, longer, and gentle (also factual), “i have the option to clean the car and also look at how i am going approach the watermarks, I could sell it as-is, but this seems a better solution, if i can get some headway on it, that is a good outcome “.

Hi Andrew,

When you have thoroughly grasped “the fundamental fact that ‘you’ are not to blame, that it is not ‘your’ fault” then this shame/ guilt of being alive will be out of your system, and you don’t have to do linguistic gymnastics to carefully avoid shaming or blaming yourself. The change happens on a deep feeling level, verbalisations follow the feeling change.

Obviously this fact has not sunk in deeply enough to require those “gentle” verbal measures.

Andrew: Not exactly what I said, but the gist is: I almost never “have to” and “should” do anything. Most of the time there are options, and there is time to gently think through what is happening, what those options are, and most importantly feel as gentle towards myself and what is happening as possible at all times, because it’s much nicer to be around myself when that is the understanding of the goal.
Being simultaneously the world’s best boss and most valuable employee. Haha (link)

As for you “have to” or “should” be doing something, depends on the situation – when your bladder is full you have to empty it, and there is no emotional charge neither in thought nor in action. Rather than mentally re-structuring your language to be “kinder, longer, and gentle”, be attentive to your emotional/ psychic attitude to yourself (and in consequence to others), in order to identify and acknowledge the root cause. In other words, address the affective root – that you swallowed the belief that you are taking up space, hook, line and sinker, for instance – and when you, consciously and with aforethought, abandon this (harshly indoctrinated) belief, everything connected to it will fall into place.

Cheers Vineeto