One of the many threads that are sprawling out around this question of a life long aversion to putting in effort to self improvement/talent, is this ; fear. Nothing more, nothing less. Afraid of not being able to measure up to the example given.
My days are strange. I am interested in these questions. Actually interested. I am not making any effort to feel good, I just remind myself to “accept “ things as they are, emotionally. That alone is quite a paradigm shift. The outcome is I feel generally better. That something gentle is happening.
There was always desperation in all my efforts. I wonder sometimes about something Kuba mused at one point, that this is all an “old persons” game. That Actualism was something that happened to older people, 40 plus.
there is something in that, but not necessarily because of age itself, but rather having exhausted so many desires . It does become obvious as one’s hair greys, and one doesn’t move like one used to (my weekly basketball sessions with guys half my age prove that!) which slows the blind ambition down.