So, to reply to whether or not I will come down from my ivory tower…
I smiled genuinely at the reply. A) because I knew that what I had written was laced with various habits of intellectualisation and also my own code of conduct when talking about actualism.
I have, for many years, avoid using ‘squotes’ simply because it always seemed to be an attempt at fitting in.
However, I can see that what I have really done is contrive a morality around the way I communicate with actualists.
Because I don’t know definitely what is being talked about, as in what a ‘self’ is vs what I normally am, it became my habit to always leave out ‘squotes’. It seemed sensible to do that, because it seemed to me to be a way of disassociation.
However, I was obviously wrong. Because what it is doing is creating unclear communication and just cementing ‘me’ further as an outsider trying to make sense of things.
I have just created my own little world of being misunderstood.
Let me try and not do that now!
What I was thinking about, and really feeling a lot of, was how I have always been building an imaginary future. The current preoccupation of coding Forex bots, and generally learning about Forex trading, has brought this to the foreground.
I have thrown up a lot of “hail Mary” schemes in my time. This particular undertaking it very different though. It directly is about a future which doesn’t exist! I can’t bluff or shift blame about my actions. It’s entirely my own choice as to how this plays out. Do I continue to construct imaginary futures, or activity build the knowledge and skills to succeed?
My career has been an accumulation of experiences which have made me a valuable commodity. As a person in a chair in front of a screen, or on the phone, or in person.
I am the commodity. I sell myself, through time, to others.
So this particular interest, in building algorithmic trading bots, it quite different.
I have to extend myself, not as a commodity, but as a creator.
That’s what got me feeling that I was terrified of the future. That it was never worth extending effort to improve my lot. I would dream of it, fantasy being a daily thing, but really build it? No. I would not extend myself.
So, to put more clearly what I was feeling about time;
‘I’ am ‘time’. ‘I’ am not actual time, ‘I’ am imagining ‘time’. A ‘time’ when I will be happy.
This is what I was thinking about. The disconnect between what I am doing and feeling, and that ‘time’ in the future.
Why do ‘I’ persist to feel bad about doing anything to look after the very actual me that will wake up tomorrow?
I have spent so much of my life expecting life to end suddenly. (With a lot of terror and apocalyptic results before the end).
What is it that I am missing here?
For 49 years I have woken up in the morning, but there was never a day I really took proper care of the fact that was likely to keep happening.
Does that make sense? That’s the feeling there.
A fantasy ‘future’ was the only ‘future’.
Yet here I am. And, probably will remain.
