An apt metaphor for neither expressing, nor repressing

Actualism
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I got triggered a bit more than usual by a common for me pattern. This time I felt that it was one time too many and layed down determined to not let this blow out of proportion for the thousandth time. I was alternately expressing by playing scenarios in my head about how I might have responded in the situation and repressing it.

As I got a bit calmer and started drifting into sleep I saw the frustraion I was experiencing as a springy mechanical contraption and for the first time saw(literally) clearly how my repression and expression give energy to the feeling. I was pulling and pushing the contraption, but each time it caught somewhere and resisted it proportionately to my effort. With this vivid way of experiencing it I was able to feel how the middle felt and something curious happened. Without tension from either pulling or pushing the contraption felt like floating in space and started dissolving as it turned out it was actually made of the same material as what it was floating in.

This was obviously my lucid dream and may be completely useless for others, but still seems like a very apt, concise metaphor.

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Cheers mate, I like that metaphor a lot.

I was very angry last Monday, and was attempting a “neither express or repress”moment, in the effort to have it morph into a third alternative. It didn’t, but it did give me a taste of what it means.

Like you say, we have thousands of these opportunities to “try out” neither expressing or repressing feelings.

My reading of Richard’s extreme example of being yelled at deliberately by his first wife, whose express interest was to have him break, as she had already done (given up on their plan to have a continuing “honey moon” experience), was that Richard was very much aware that he could “dash for the door and calm down” (not a direct quote).

I am somewhat anticipating opportunities where this clear option exists. Boredom, and everyday mundane realities rarely have the “outline” of something with enough energy to clearly have a go at the scale he described.

Most of the time, I am trying to lean into more feeling sensuous towards my surroundings.

Do you think that this metaphor would mean that it will give your courage to try something different next time?

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I have noticed that hypnagogic state is wonderful and rife with potential for insight. It’s like I am still conscious as me, but a bit of a different me, with a bit of ‘distance’ to how I usually am… often very informative!

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I see it as having this anchor experience will allow me to clearly discern if I’m doing the real thing and not dissociating, repressing etc(combined with sincerity of course). Simply trying and comparing I will eventually dial it in better.

I’m hesitant to dish out advice, but here are some simple actionable cues:

  • I think expressing is quite easy to see if you’re honest with yourself.
  • dissociating feels dull.
  • repressing is also somewhat dull, but effortful.
  • the more separate you feel from what you feel(like I’m here and what I feel is there) the further you’ve gone in the opposite direction.
  • if you’re neither expressing, nor expressing - whatever happens is gonna be spontaneous. It may be a small thing and resolve fast, or it maybe like the example of Richard you referenced, where he felt the anger rising through his body, but whatever it is - it won’t be something ‘you’(the thinker) caused. The only thing you do is stepping aside and leaving yourself be(literally). Than after you notice the intensity falling and experience what it feels like to start feeling less bad you can go with this momentum towards feeling better.

I think you’ve identified the need to have enough of a ‘contrast’ so as to be able to say ‘this is it’ and jump in. Maybe you’re an intense kind of guy, but consider that how bold the outline is depends also on the skill of whomever is trying to see it. While you’re waiting for an opportunity that is easy to notice, you may try a game of noticing smaller and smaller variations in the way you are. After you’ve noticed a pattern enough times, the desire to jump in will grow on its own.

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