Alan has passed away

@Dona very sorry to hear about Alan’s passing away. It is truly the end of an era. Alan was ‘mr actualism’. Such a cheerleader and enthusiast. My own journey in actualism and actual freedom was tied inextricably with Alan’s in a sense. From reading his lengthy correspondences with Richard, to meeting him in Australia and online, to one my my first PCE’s when we were chatting online years ago - which Alan’s childlike openness and naïveté no doubt catalysed. I think we were having a bit of Scotch at the time, something that both of us shared a love for.

I was always struck by his irrepressible boyish excitement for life and all things actualism - his age didn’t deter him. As a somewhat sombre feeling being, a fair bit younger than him, this was truly inspiring back when we first met in Ballina. And the way he approached his death, intent on being as happy and harmless as he could possibly be even when he had received a grim diagnosis and was having chemo, was quite astonishing. I lost a friend to cancer last year and - although I know it must have been very tough on him at times - the difference in their journeys was marked.

Death comes for us all whether we are actually free or not. It really doesn’t matter ultimately. We are all absorbed into infinitude in the exact same way regardless.

It was Alan’s prompting that got us to eventually move to this platform. I think that his idea of online meetups was a good one and it would be good if we can all meet like he would have wished soon. Childcare commitments and Covid have made me fairly time poor (haha pretty ironic), but I will make the effort if we can work out a suitable time.

@Dona
:blush:

Take care, thanks for letting us all know.

This news came as a real shock. I absolutely sobbed initially. With the big ticket human emotional feelings, I think it can sometimes be better to express and feel. I figure, let me understand (viscerally) what concepts such as ‘life is a vale of tears’ refer to, so I know what the problem of the human condition is. I gave the feelings of grief and guilt etc their due whilst becoming gradually more aware of what I was feeling and why, and going back to the method. There are still flair ups of emotion occurring.

One of the things that compounded my sadness/tragedy was about Alan not becoming free from the human condition before he died. Of course, as @Srinath said, death is no different whether you are actually free or not before you die. All flesh is grass. Any suffering is only occurring in me, and fed by my various projections and feeling tones and mental images and memories etc etc. Ripe territory for investigation.

I realised for example that Alan’s death probably hit me harder than the death of other people would, because we were ‘in the same boat’ or on the same team (Alan would probably want me to point out that I don’t mean gay :rofl:). It’s like I see an actualist feeling being as somehow more valuable or more relatable or more “like me” than regular feeling beings, producing a stronger reaction of empathy than usual (some beliefs exposed there…).

Anyway, it is probably a bit of a shock to everyone especially in light of the chat which was supposed to happen today. I hope everyone is able to make their way through applying the method to their own feelings. @Dona I hope you in particular are able to navigate the feelings of loss you are no doubt experiencing and find ‘feeling good’.

Yesterday or the day before Alan wrote me a message asking some questions about setting up a trust for actualism. He also sent a second message which can only be opened by one of these famous Paper Keys. @Miguel can you please help me out with that?

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Absorbed into the infinitude.

Alan.

I just noticed his name, like i hadn’t seen it before.

We would all much prefer to have actual Alan with us, laughing at antics that the real Alan got up to.

He enjoyed his life to the fullest.

Such a cliche is rarely so true.

I made this video while sitting on my couch. Enjoying the vapour in a beam of light.

Such a pleasant thing, unplanned, spontaneous, and very playful.

Well, I’ll try. The problem is that frequently past messages can not be recovered (but I would have a suggestion in this particular case that should work). It’s important that you don’t touch anything in Settings until we see a screenshot where your specific problem is displayed trying to open the messages.

Please paste it in Paper key? - #7 by Miguel and and let’s continue the chat there.

“Life was meant to be fun.
Alan.”
He lived it.

Cheers!

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Thanks for your instructions. I actually managed to find a screenshot I had made of the original 12 words and decrypted the message, which was:

“I wrote to you guys this evening I know I can’t find it. Where is it? How do I find it?”

I am glad I managed to decrypt as I would’ve otherwise been really wondering!

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I’m reminded of a western movie I saw called ‘Will Penney’ with Charlton Heston where he discovered a dead cowhand and proceeded to take the body back to the ranch where he was from. The cowhands were all saying what a great guy the dead cowhand was and Will Penney then said: What about when he was alive?
The first time I talked to Alan privately I introduced him to someone I knew where he was going and he immediately grabbed her and made her his own and then and I could no longer talk to her unless it was monitored by him.
I experienced him as being a controlling aggressive human much like myself.
Please flame gently.

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Damn how sad this had me be. I so wanted for his presence to be here for me a bit longer… I thus secretly wished for his cheerful mood to be a sort of magical cure to his illness.

I really need to at least achieve what he did: enjoying and appreciating each moment of being alive.

I noticed this with my mother as well. I knew her as a regular person, prone to irritation and argumentation and fighting with her friends, family, and strangers - I would say on the lesser side than average (she was by no means an irritable or angry person), but still. I observed her and my father having the usual petty disputes and squabbles that married couples do - and I was told by everyone I know that they have a good relationship - which they did by people’s standards, but it was by no means as good as it could be.

And then immediately after she passed away she was transformed into this amazingly and exceptionally kind compassionate and caring person that never did any wrong, with a perfect relationship, a way of being everyone should aspire to. All the good qualities exaggerated and none of the bad qualities mentioned.

I understood then why saints are only anointed after they pass away. With the person no longer alive they can’t do wrong anymore - and then the past can be conveniently altered to support the new image.

It all seems a bit insincere. I don’t know what exactly causes it to happen. I guess people want to be remembered as having been a good person, so there is the societal programming to not speak ill of the dead.

Not to put anyone down of course. But people were who they were, that doesn’t actually change after they are no longer around!

@claudiu Well said claudiu.

@jamesjjoo Certainly the human condition is a powerful thing, and ‘alan’ held on to more than just Dona aggressively, he made sure that we never meet actual Alan. We never will.

I blamed/ criticised Alan for a long time for various things, starting from the first time I ever heard of him in 2015 and all the dates for the visit to Balina changed to suit his schedule. A lack of determination on my part, and i ended up in Taiwan rather than Balina. Sex has that effect on the male mind. But, as the years went on, it was always just an excuse for me to be upset. I was just as clueless, as much anything Alan could ever say or do.

@jamesjjoo, this weekend i found out myself just how messy relationships are. How men and women fundamentally don’t get along it the way we wish. Someone is always more in control, someone always secretly or openly disappointed, insecurities, fantasy, jealous, someone else is more desirable, ad nauseum.

My now ex, (but still talking with) , was accepting gifts and otherwise attention from another man. She saw nothing wrong with this, indeed it is baked into the stereotype of female motivation to keep being attractive to all, and accept attention which goes with that, i.e.; keeping it alive, as it may be ‘useful’ later.

Alan, me, you, dona, everyone on this planet (except a dozen or so, apparently ) are essentially the same lost, lonely, aggressive, sad ‘thing’.

I saw very clearly this weekend that my fantasy about ‘women’, was just that. In the same way i see into my soul and know just how brutal i am at heart, i saw it in her.

There are no saints in actualism, and if i know anything about death, whatever is said to praise anyone, or whatever criticism is levelled at the dead, it is absolutely nothing compared to how much ‘we’ think others will say after we are gone.

I can’t remember hardly anything my brothers or father ever said. A few memories of some days, a couple of jokes, regrets etc.

This is the void we fear. Not just ceasing to be alive, but being forgotten, forever.

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Alan’s life was always a powerful reminder for me.

The first time I interacted with him on the old Yahoo forum (when he got back to actualism after his marriage ended), his life was a reminder to not waste time focusing on other things, as he kinda got distracted from actualism for years. My thought was “I don’t wanna be like Alan!”

The first time I interacted with him in person, his life was a reminder to live as pleasurably as possible as he encapsulated what constitutes a good life from my point of view: financially free, retired, traveling, eating, drinking, existentially exploring actualism, just having a ball all around. My thought was “I wanna be like Alan!”

Now that he has passed away, his death shall be the most powerful reminder of all, as it ties all the reminders together. Life is short and “meant to be fun”, as he put it. And not realizing this now is such a waste. After all, Alan specialty was to kick my butt off the couch, as he always saw through my bullshit.

I’ll never forget the moments I spent with him: from the whisky-filled friendly banter to our nights alone on the balcony when I got to experience Alan intimately.

Cheers to you, Alan!

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I was gutted to hear the news. Alan has really helped me on my journey with his responses to my questions, always kind, joyful, experienced and knowledgeable. It will be strange with him no longer being around, feels like there is a gap in the community!

I take some solace in the fact that Alan has lived a better, happier more fulfilled life than most people in this planet by way of virtual freedom. I also feel an urgency to ‘get on with it’ since his passing is serving a reminder that our time is limited.

Raising a glass to you Alan :beers:

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Speaking of “raising a glass to Alan”, there will be a celebration of life at a local pub here in England (no funeral service for him … Lol), this Saturday 1-3 pm GMT. So, perhaps raise a glass (whiskey of course) to him at that time :tumbler_glass:

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I hope you are doing well. Reach out if you need anything.

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I’ve debated about replying to @jamesjoo 's comment about Alan:
“The first time I talked to Alan privately I introduced him to someone I knew where he was going and he immediately grabbed her and made her his own and then and I could no longer talk to her unless it was monitored by him.”
But… I felt the need to clear the air with this group. I’ve done my best to clear this with James over the past 5 years (and it appears he still hasn’t gotten ​it).
First: You and I had “broken up” (stopped communicating) a full year before Alan and I started communicating. So there was no “grabbing away”, as there was no “there” to grab away from.
Second: it was ME who didn’t want to keep any secrets from Alan. He would never have insisted on knowing what I was doing or who I spoke with and what was said. That was my commitment to him - to always be open and not have anything hidden.
So what you are blaming Alan for (and have been holding against him for 5 years) had absolutely nothing to do with Alan.

Alan and I lived in peace and harmony – pretty amazing since most of the time we lived in an extremely confined environment of a canal (narrowboat). We weren’t more than a few feet apart from each other… together 24/7 … with nary a bitter word. We both enjoyed experiencing each moment - with or without being together, though… Perhaps I enjoyed it a bit more with him.
Anyway, I felt the need to reply as your view of the situation was so skewed, I wanted to get it straightened.
And, I thank you for introducing us.

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@Dona Ok Dona, I apologize for misinterpreting the facts of the matter. I hope you are doing well.

@Dona There is something deeper here that I haven’t gotten to. It was ‘me’ feeling a sense of loss when there was nothing to lose. This was male programming.
“I” didn’t have any secrets. We had communicated well in the past and I still wanted help to get to some issues without being monitored by someone else. Instead you shunned me and were rude. This was my neediness.
However, you have helped me a lot before you went back to the UK. You helped me get to the root of my problem with authority for which I am appreciative.