Death was one of the main things that set me on the course for all this actual freedom stuff. A close family member died young and I remember seeing very clearly that this is it, this is all we got. I had a burst of wanting to live well, for myself and for everyone else - while we could!
Alan was here - well, on slack - when I first came into actualism, as far as I can tell he’s been around encouraging people and trying to keep things going for a long time. He was a wonderful part of this universe.
Obviously this is unexpected news for everyone considering the activity Alan was having on the forum and the meeting he planned… Maybe more for me because on the 11th we had a short test meeting with him and Dona as he wanted to check out the admin/controls of Zoom…
Despite it being late at night for him (Dona even woke up for the test) he was very animated and in a very good mood. We tried out the different features of the application and talked about various things…
Moreover, until today at 8:08 am he was asking things related to the meeting. His last message said that he had put Dona also as admin just in case and that he was going to be out most of the afternoon.
So I assume that something completely unexpected happened… Surely Dona will let us know in due course…
About 20 years ago, looking for material on UGK I came across Alan’s Journal. That’s how I got connected with Actual Freedom…
What can I say…
May the testimonies we leave in this forum do for others what Alan’s testimony did for me: serve as a bridge to a method that can radically change a life for the better; and thus bring humanity closer to true happiness and lasting peace…
Thanks everyone. I don’t know how to post here, it seems I can only reply.
Of course, with the “cancer” it is assumed death will be soon… But he was feeling so much better… enjoying each moment! it was such a shock.
All I can say about it is that he went exactly as he would’ve asked to go (and maybe he did). He had an excellent Chinese meal that he said many times was very good, and he was happy he was able to eat again (he had been having problems with that).
He was getting things ready for the zoom meeting (he was very excited about it) and he started coughing up blood and then he was gone within minutes. I did CPR while waiting for the emergency team… They were here quickly (though it didn’t seem quick at the time!) and they worked with him for at least 30 minutes but he never revived.
Idk how to use discourse, so if I don’t reply properly let me know how to do it.
Miguel, maybe I can figure out how to make you a user/admin so you can use the zoom room… It’s paid for!!
I would like this to be what each of us experiences tomorrow.
Sitting with friends, utterly relaxed and noticing that there was no personal agenda whatsoever, no plan to stir the conversation into a particular direction, nothing to emphasize or hide, no self-centredness or favouritism, no shame, shyness, embarrassment, no power or drive – just being as I was. Sitting in this group, as one of many, my sole interest was that everyone present (including me as one of those present) enjoyed themselves/ obtained the maximum benefit from our meeting.”
(Apologies to Vineeto)
Yours is exactly the way, because we post with “reply” (except when one creates a new topic as @edzd did with this one, using the button in the main screen)
I appreciate it, but I don’t know how to do it… maybe between all of us we can organize a new meeting soon…
For me what causes me the most grief is that he died without ever having become actually free. And there is nothing anyone can do about this now. Although the universe is infinite and eternal, our own particular lives are not… we don’t have forever to wait.
I remember meeting Alan and Dona a while go for what was always a very memorable day for me. Meeting Alan I was immediately at ease, here was an individual so sincere and well meaning, living his life exactly how he wrote, having so much fun. His openness and honesty particularly was forever lodged in my memory.
He was a living demonstration of what I was aiming for. I know that the last thing he would wish for is for his fellow human being to be sorrowful so I will look at this as a reminder for myself, that we are all a missed heart beat away from death. That we only get one chance to find out what life is all about. That waiting only leads to more waiting and that we must actually do it in this lifetime as this body.
Indeed, Cub933. Alan wouldn’t wish this for his fellow human beings (to be sorrowful). In fact, his last words to me were “LOL”… but the last (non-zoom related) question was “What are you waiting for Gabriel?”
Alan had a way of asking others the same questions he was trying to find experiential answers for. It took me awhile to understand this about him; and why it sometimes triggered me.
Claudiu, the exact thought came to me, that Alan died without ever having become actually free; however, I never could tell what excited him more, the idea of becoming actually free… or of having his questions experientially answered by one of us. Alan often mentioned that his desire to help others achieve actual freedom may have distracted him from his own freedom… he was aware of this.
One thing Alan frequently expressed (just recently too), “The best thing you can do for me is to become actually free.”
I don’t feel this expired with his death… if anything, I’m more committed.
Thanks @Andrew . I know you can relate to my situation. Alan never took offense to you “telling him off”, he always knew where it was coming from. Go ahead and tell him off whenever you feel the need
@Dona very sorry to hear about Alan’s passing away. It is truly the end of an era. Alan was ‘mr actualism’. Such a cheerleader and enthusiast. My own journey in actualism and actual freedom was tied inextricably with Alan’s in a sense. From reading his lengthy correspondences with Richard, to meeting him in Australia and online, to one my my first PCE’s when we were chatting online years ago - which Alan’s childlike openness and naïveté no doubt catalysed. I think we were having a bit of Scotch at the time, something that both of us shared a love for.
I was always struck by his irrepressible boyish excitement for life and all things actualism - his age didn’t deter him. As a somewhat sombre feeling being, a fair bit younger than him, this was truly inspiring back when we first met in Ballina. And the way he approached his death, intent on being as happy and harmless as he could possibly be even when he had received a grim diagnosis and was having chemo, was quite astonishing. I lost a friend to cancer last year and - although I know it must have been very tough on him at times - the difference in their journeys was marked.
Death comes for us all whether we are actually free or not. It really doesn’t matter ultimately. We are all absorbed into infinitude in the exact same way regardless.
It was Alan’s prompting that got us to eventually move to this platform. I think that his idea of online meetups was a good one and it would be good if we can all meet like he would have wished soon. Childcare commitments and Covid have made me fairly time poor (haha pretty ironic), but I will make the effort if we can work out a suitable time.
This news came as a real shock. I absolutely sobbed initially. With the big ticket human emotional feelings, I think it can sometimes be better to express and feel. I figure, let me understand (viscerally) what concepts such as ‘life is a vale of tears’ refer to, so I know what the problem of the human condition is. I gave the feelings of grief and guilt etc their due whilst becoming gradually more aware of what I was feeling and why, and going back to the method. There are still flair ups of emotion occurring.
One of the things that compounded my sadness/tragedy was about Alan not becoming free from the human condition before he died. Of course, as @Srinath said, death is no different whether you are actually free or not before you die. All flesh is grass. Any suffering is only occurring in me, and fed by my various projections and feeling tones and mental images and memories etc etc. Ripe territory for investigation.
I realised for example that Alan’s death probably hit me harder than the death of other people would, because we were ‘in the same boat’ or on the same team (Alan would probably want me to point out that I don’t mean gay ). It’s like I see an actualist feeling being as somehow more valuable or more relatable or more “like me” than regular feeling beings, producing a stronger reaction of empathy than usual (some beliefs exposed there…).
Anyway, it is probably a bit of a shock to everyone especially in light of the chat which was supposed to happen today. I hope everyone is able to make their way through applying the method to their own feelings. @Dona I hope you in particular are able to navigate the feelings of loss you are no doubt experiencing and find ‘feeling good’.
Yesterday or the day before Alan wrote me a message asking some questions about setting up a trust for actualism. He also sent a second message which can only be opened by one of these famous Paper Keys. @Miguel can you please help me out with that?
). It’s like I see an actualist feeling being as somehow more valuable or more relatable or more “like me” than regular feeling beings, producing a stronger reaction of empathy than usual (some beliefs exposed there…).