I just wanted to share a bit of experience here. Maybe it should be a new topic “Obstacles to Happiness”, but I think it fits with Rick’s reflections on “nothing really matters in an ultimate sense” and also with Claudiu’s response to Rick.
A few years ago when I was trying to feel consistently good and couldn’t get the hang of it, I came up with a question that gave me a key to the lock.
What conditions am I imposing on my own well-being? What conditions must life meet before I’ll agree to be happy?
Moment by moment, the answers came thick and fast. They were absurd. It showed me what kind of person I am.
“I am the kind of person who will not feel good until other people stop being irrational, unreasonable or unfair.”
“I am the kind of person who will not feel good unless everyone likes or respects me at all times and shows it.”
“I am the kind of person who will not feel good unless I’m always No.1 in her eyes.”
“I am the kind of person who will not feel good unless it’s always 15-25 degrees Celsius.”
I phrased things this way on purpose to highlight how ridiculous I am, because it’s actually true! I am. This is what eight billion people are doing most of the day. Variations of this.
“I won’t agree to be happy until [something impossible happens and something inevitable stops happening]”.
I know it’s not so easy to be glib and light-hearted about some things though. Maybe “I am the kind of person who will not feel good while people continue to get sick and die, especially if I’m one of them.”
Fine. Some things still feel worthy of suffering even if we know it’s irrational and it doesn’t help. If I draw a line somewhere, anywhere, I know can’t (yet) be unconditionally happy. In that case, I’ve agreed not to be, and I know it.
I think it’s useful to be explicit about it. See how it stacks up against the meaning of life in an ultimate sense. Otherwise I’m stuck struggling against myself at a feeling level, which is a drag and doesn’t work. Unless I drop the unreasonable conditions, I’ll never be happy because I won’t agree to it!
Even with more serious stuff, it’s still a choice. If there are some conditions I choose to hang onto, that’s up to me too. I’ll suffer on account of them until I don’t.