@adam_b I want to echo srinath’s appreciation of you being so open about this. I can certainly relate to what you are talking about here. I got into buddhism when i was 16/17 and then got interested in actualism when i was 18 (i’m 28 now). I was so driven by the idea of actual freedom or enlightenment (at first I was under the impression these were the same thing) that I never put much thought into other aspects of my life that are part of what makes someone happy. I’ve never been in a relationship that felt truly fulfilling and I never found a career path that felt anything like my “calling” or close to that. In general I haven’t applied myself to my non-actualism-related desires much at all, though they are certainly present.
Part of it surely was a buddhism ‘hangover’… and part was the general awkwardness and fearfulness of the competitive dangerous world that sent me retreating into a pursuit that I couldn’t be judged in by the people around me. I was still in highschool and then college with people who just seemed so much more confident and dynamic so I sought some refuge in the idea of a secret pursuit that was so superior to what everyone else was doing. Imperfect intentions to say the least, though even early on there was an undeniable trace of pure intent motivating me. I wanted to be happy and harmless in a pure way at least some of the time.
I would say I have been pretty self-aware about this, and a lot more so lately. My mixed intentions have become more transparent to me over time. Especially having started living with an old friend from college over the last year and seeing how our paths have diverged has been really interesting. In every tangible real-world category he is doing better than me… more well-formed hobbies/interests, better interpersonal skills, better network of friends/support, better romantic relationships, more lucrative employment etc. It has forced me to reckon with what could have been. Plus I have had plenty more “peeks” into what could have been through 10 years of life experience. A few times I have felt the need to expose myself as much as possible and pursue real-world values to see what they are all about… which is what led me into a couple of awkward summer flings with women and communal living at a farm in Hawaii… it was never whole-hearted though. It felt quite impossible to try to wholeheartedly pursue such things when I already had at least a smidgeon of insight (plus some belief) that they weren’t ultimately fulfilling.
I suppose the question is whether my experiences are enough to be sufficiently disenchanted with those real-world draws. Ultimately i’m sure only my ongoing experience will answer this question for certain. I’ll break off a separate thread to get into the nitty-gritty of how I experience trying to ‘give up’ a less well-formed self. @Srinath what you wrote here applies to me especially this:
A self probably needs to be well formed before it can be given up.
Spiritual practise end even actualism can easily become this seductive bubble that you can use to deny your own nature or to paper over deficiencies. You can end up floating around being quite ineffective in the world.
I’m very interested in your feedback even though practicing actualism from this position is not what your experience was (it seems?). Going to work on that more nitty-gritty description now. Also @adam_b thanks again for sharing which has helped me to put more of my cards on the table here.