If I’m understanding correctly - it seems to be an intuitive felt-based remembering? Like bringing a bit of the event to the present moment.
There seems to be two things going on when I attempt to do it. Both have been like grasping for air thusfar and I’m having a hard time expressing it in words.
The first is the step of remembering / reminding / contemplation. The memory and it’s meaningful qualities reminds me of what life is actually like right now, which seems to serve as a good interruption to whatever personal interpretation I may be running. Then I have an opportunity to move a bit more in the direction of actuality - “ah yeah, that’s what I want,” or “ah yeah, I remember it was like that.”
The other step is something more like feeling out the memory. When I think of Shakespearean actors rememorating an event, it’s like their memory comes to life and effects how they feel. To them, it’s as if they’re reliving the moment of recollection so much so that they’re feeling it all over again. It’s an intuitive-emotional feeling and it effects their performance in such a way that the audience is sucked into the event as well, as if they were there. This is a bit that I’m finding more nebulous to lock into - I’m clumsily trying to re-vivify or reconnect with the qualities on an emotional level. I’m trying to become how I felt at the time.
It’s like feeling into a memory.
So far, I seem to move a bit in the direction of the memory, but only have enough energy for a small little shifts. It’s only been a few days, I figure I’ll have to keep experimenting. Happy to hear what you may have learned from your foray into it.
During my path thusfar, the PCE has actually been a REALLY threatening thing. “I” would get scared at times when my baseline would improve, or when I would feel happier. “Scared” that I could slip into a PCE or die at any moment. All irrational but felt!
A pang of fear would pop up and diminish the movement towards happy & harmless - presenting a boundary for the happiness and harmlessness. It was like I kept having to see it was safe to go a little-bit further. Or kept having to see that what was keeping me in place wasn’t what I wanted at all, providing some needed gumption to move forward.
Let me see if I understand what you’re pointing out. The nature of purity and perfection provides the security I’m looking for since nothing dirty can get into it. Since it provides security, there is no need to fear it as something that is a threat to my survival as I have been doing thusfar?
I think the unreachable element may have something to do with feeling like an imposter.
I think there’s more to talk about and respond to but I’m about to go off to work. One last thing I wanted to mention is this:
I’m constantly on the lookout for a PCE. I both want to have one, and secretly avoid it (as made clear by feeling threatened.) I can find myself attempting to evaluate how close I am - usually happens when making progress and can spoil it. Or all of a sudden becoming momentarily scared and begin wondering what’s behind the fear.
Feeling like I’m falling into a repeated trap here and like I have to let something go but I can’t because my mind is always on these things.