Kub933's Journal

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623

This is something I have wondered about, and also spoke to Geoffrey about during one of the zooms.

Is actualism not really for the young? I remember trying to do this at 18 and there was just too much of the normal to taste first to ever be able to commit fully.

Then at around 26 I try again, having somewhat lived the normal and found it to suck. And actualism works, to a degree. A potential problem is that it has made me more successful in being normal too, so now that I am not plagued by constant emotional rollercoasters I have this ‘second wind’ of trying to win at being normal, because I can. But of course the whole thing is lacking something, yet that carrot is still dangling within reach…

Is one component of it as you say just growing a little older and realising that all those dreams are not going to ever happen anyways.

It definitely seems that early adulthood is a process of making sense of the world and coming to my own conclusions, in the process becoming disillusioned with the conventional dreams and schemes, I have observed this happen and it probably would have happened to some degree even without actualism.

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Thanks Andrew I appreciate that, at least I am doing something right. Now if I could only do the main thing, you know… the method, each moment again haha.

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Well, no one yet has shown that it can be done “young”, atleast not anyone who has shared all the details of it.

Richard was in his early thirties when his ego died, and mid forties when his soul followed suit.

I would say, enjoy both!

There is nothing to lose by success in the normal ways, especially if you enjoy the whole trip.

It’s not really “one or the other”, successful living done with enjoyment is the way.

Our culture, the overarching western Christian mindset, absolutely worships young men sacrificing themselves.

Actualism, in my observations, calls for no such thing.

Enjoying success, enjoying youth, enjoying the vitality of plans and goals. How is this not the very stuff of actualism?

The trap is sacrificing what matters; enjoyment.

So many will “grind” and sacrifice the enjoyment of the day to day.

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Best of both worlds buddy.

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So this is the thing though, the enjoyment of actualism is of this moment of being alive via the felicitous and innocuous feelings. Whereas the enjoyment of being ‘normal’ is through success at whatever dreams and schemes and the resultant good feelings mixed with the inevitable bad ones, the ups and downs of normal life.

For sure proceeding down the wide and wondrous path does not entail quitting training, not getting a nice job, not going on holiday etc. But the means through which the enjoyment happens is quite different, this is the fork in the road that I am at.

The normal enjoyment is always ‘out there’ in the front, through this glittering carrot that never delivers, or delivers briefly only to have to re-run the whole cycle again.

The enjoyment of this moment of being alive is now and is somewhat unconditional vs the normal way. It is not an enjoyment of the particular ways in which ‘my’ life is playing out, it happens of its own when the dramas get out of the way. In this sense the ‘enjoyment’ of being normal is very much manufactured through a pretty laborious process vs enjoyment of this moment flowing of its own where there is nothing in the way.

From where I am at they seem 2 completely different directions, 180 degrees opposite.
The tricky thing is not to take on this ‘actualist enjoyment’ as some dogma and reject life like a monk would do. But rather find a way to incorporate this more unconditional enjoyment whilst going about in the marketplace. This is the interesting thing I am currently exploring and sorting through, to work it out practically.

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Yeah he mentions this in the guide to practicing actualists. I thought I was over that and fully committed but clearly not. When I was daring to look at those good feelings yesterday I realised I hold them so so dearly, this is why I never saw them, I have somehow kept them away from myself for fear that they would disappear which is interesting in itself! It was actually fascinating to see this, I locked them in a place that even I didn’t see haha.

Because I know deep down that if I look at what is going on, it will indeed disappear. I can taste this resistance right now, to bring those dreams (and their apparent necessity) to attention is to allow the possibility that they were never needed - that is scary! The cool thing is that seeing that the dreams were never needed means that the bad feelings which they were bound with are also not needed, the whole thing can go poof :dash:

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Hmm, nope.

Normal enjoying equals actually enjoying.

I want to say more, but you have had PCEs so you are probably right.

Which really just confuses me.

Spiritually is 180 degrees different.

Are you telling me that a yacht in the Bahamas is also “180 degrees” ?

You do realise that Richard had a catamaran in he Whitsunday islands, and spent an inordinate amount of time doing everything a rock star dreams of.

You have read his journal, yes?

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Yeah haha many times in fact!

Yeah I think I was being loose with the word enjoyment which is just creating problems.

What I mean is that in the conventional, real world sense ‘enjoyment’ is to be found via the pursuit of good feelings and escaping the bad ones - via various schemes and dreams.

This is what is 180 degrees opposite to the enjoyment and appreciation of this moment of being alive via the felicitous and innocuous feelings.

I am a bit rushed so I will write more later.

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Building a farm can be a “dream” which can be enjoyed.

So to building a career as a nuclear scientist, or hen’s party specialist.

The bit that is 180 degrees surely is the idea of feeling bad now for some imagined “future reward”.

That’s the whole point.

If there was nothing interesting to do, to plan for, let’s just nuke it all now.

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Thanks Andrew for talking with me, this whole thing just opened up in front of me. It’s still coalescing into a proper understanding but I can see the difference now.

Indeed the goal is the same it is just that the ‘normal’ way to arrive at a happy life is some winding, perverted, dysfunctional way - via good/bad feelings. Because ‘I’ already operate from a lack, then those events are merely means to an end, for ‘me’ to get ‘my’ good feelings. Therefore ‘I’ never get to enjoy and appreciate the actual thing!

The difference with actualism is that it cuts through the chase, it allows that which everyone is striving to achieve via the good/bad feelings to actually happen now. Because when felicity and innocuity is live there is no void to fill, then the actual thing can be enjoyed for what it is - which is what the whole thing was about to begin with :smile:

Of course to live life actually is to take a step of making this fully intimate and pure, then one arrives at what humanity has been striving to live through some distorted imitations, wow!

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Bingo.

Enjoy everything. Right now.

Her, the house, the job, the sun and the trees.

That is what is actually happening.

There is no second chance at it.

What I saw a few weeks ago, whilst pacing the house saying “suicide is off the table” is that life is immensely precious. Life as a property of the universe is robust, life as an individual is fleeting.

I have not interacted with more significant individuals as yourself, Claudiu, Henry, Miguel, and others (no offence for not mentioning others).

I am older than ‘Richard’ ever was. As a psyche, I am one of the oldest still interested in actualism.

Not the claim to fame I would have dreamt of.

I have a best mate, a man not much older than you. He gains so much from me.

It’s like a black hole. The closer to statistical death, the more time compresses. A minute for me is a year for you. That’s something often talked about; how time seems to move faster as one ages.

If you can bring that understanding to your life; that while you seemingly have decades, they will pass like minutes in retrospect, the importance of enjoying every endeavour is paramount.

You put it well.

There is a direct, clean, and functional way too.

The easy way.

A kind, open, friendly, considerate and enjoyable way. Which, doesn’t wait for anyone else to “get it”.

I became after that experience the other week, deliberately kinder. Immediately more considerate. Far more appreciative.

I found a resolution for my narcissism; admiring others reflection. How when a psyche is pleasant to be around, it’s something to be immediately appreciative of. To enjoy it.

Those who don’t want to be generous of spirit, or show little regard, can be gently put to one side.

I would be them if I had lived their life.

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I was thinking about this yesterday with regards to my hen party gigs. Because I meet so many different groups and so I really get to interact with a big array of psyches, so many colours on the rainbow.

There is the grey, removed, troubled and sometimes obnoxious psyches, not that they are evil but they are just too embedded in the various BS, in detriment to both themselves and others.

Then there are these individuals who radiate a completely different energy, a different colour on the rainbow - something light, vibrant, sincere and fun, and what a pleasure it is to interact with them, definitely something to appreciate.

And it makes me think that this kind of vibe, to ‘be’ that each moment again beats any of the precious pedestals, it is worth so much more.

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Haha yea, this is actually one or maybe the biggest problem - the irrevocability of it…never getting to experiencing something again !

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Just finished running a BJJ class and as soon as I entered there was a certain atmosphere about…
I had a plan for the session as always but soon noticed it disappeared for lack of necessity, the session was running itself, what a blast!

My coaching aka the ability to effectively transfer my expertise over to my students was able to come to full flourishing without the rigid shackles of any scheme. Each technique, detail, drill, each word said was a natural progression of simply taking in what was happening all around. I had no clue what I was going to do next and yet it was one of the best sessions I have ever done. Most importantly though it was fun, for me and for everyone concerned.

This is like a whole new territory, it is simply better than what came before.

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The burden of proof…

So a common logical fallacy is that someone making a claim demands that the one disproving the claim provide proof for why it is not the case. As you can’t prove a negative this becomes a neat way for ‘my’ belief to be protected.

Eg Bertrand Russell’s invisible tea pot orbiting the sun, as no one can prove it is not there therefore my belief is correct!

I just did a little game with myself with regards to the ‘what if’ syndrome and noticed that I am guilty of making this fallacy on repeat.

For example I need to drive on the motorway later to get to a BJJ gym and there is the fear of - what if I crash and die. Now I find myself looking for ways to control life in light of this potential possibility, spinning off various other what ifs to deal with this original what if that has been slyly accepted as the truth.

Then I stop for a second and realise that if I am proposing this possibility then the burden of proof lies in my lap, why is this so likely to happen apparently?

And I have no other justification other than - it is logically possible that it will happen. But what a huge jump I have made, and I do this with everything, based on what proof exactly?

Now I don’t think it is necessarily possible to completely escape this kind of bias as long as fear exists. Because it is the fear that gives fuel to the beliefs. But anyways it is fun to observe this constant bias that operates in me, if anything it adds another little chink in the armour.

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Also a weird thought/observation - it seems that ‘I’ need to continually spin fantasies of physical death in order to prevent ‘my’ extirpation as a ‘being’. ‘I’ need to remain forever fearful in order to save ‘my’ soul.

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I find it fascinating how different people have different fears based on their childhood and experiences. Like, you have a fear of driving (maybe?) and other people have so many fears/stresses around work. I don’t have many in either of these areas, but my view of romantic relationships is filled to the brim with fears and various beliefs. Just goes to show that it’s all bullshit and there are no “rational” fears. What makes yours rational when I don’t even have it and vice versa? At the root is just the same instinctual being we all have.

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But the somewhat outrageous thing to discover is just what investment ‘I’ have in those fears (whatever they are) and in fact in suffering itself.

Of course ‘I’ cleverly split ‘myself’ away from those so that they can appear to be happening to ‘me’. Then ‘I’ cry ‘my’ crocodile tears and make the whole thing complete - voila life is a vale of tears :tipping_hand_man:

What I saw just a minute ago though is that ‘I’ actually need to do all this suffering business in order to remain in existence. ‘I’ am so very invested in suffering, it’s quite hard to articulate the weirdness of this.

Like that bit about ‘me’ being the cause of global sorrow and malice, it’s no joke, ‘I’ really do all of that constantly just to have a reason to remain.

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Which makes so many things so obvious, why is it so hard to battle depression for example, or to end anxiety etc Why are these dramas so damn hard to put to rest?

The short answer is because ‘I’ don’t want to. It seems the case of the demon underlying the divine. ‘I’ continue bringing hell to earth merely so that ‘my’ existence can play out in the ensuing drama.

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