I really appreciate you sharing this. Made my night
I think in a sense there is a ‘good reason’ why the fun must stop and why the seriousness must begin. I like the way Srinath describes it that when young the ‘self’ is more gapey, the kids can go and have fun because they do not have the capacity to cause any real issues yet.
Once a certain age is reached and the self is fully developed there is the potential for some real issues if it is not kept in check - especially when we think about what happens at puberty etc.
So bearing in mind that humanity does not know of another option yet, then in a sense it is a necessary step to impose that whole system of humanity onto the individual.
When I think about it this way it almost seems a good thing that this whole system is so hard to shake off, after all it must keep all that savagery at bay somehow. I think the bottom line is that it requires something better to be found before the system can be shaken off and again who would have it the other way around.
So in order to break the enormous weight of this conditioning something equally powerful must be firmly located. and there has to be every confidence in it it seems.
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Which actually makes me realise what it must take to self-immolate… That it can never ever be because it ‘seems like a good idea’. When I consider the ‘weight’ of what is being left behind, it must take something extremely significant to ‘make the deal worth it’.
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Or as Srinath so brilliantly put it :
Ultimately self-immolation is such a radical step, that the enticement needs to be proportionate – no, more than proportionate, it needs to blow the desirability of self-hood out of the water.
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Didn’t you have any memory of these childhood memories before today?
Btw. @andrew I picked up an Atari 520STE due to it offering more games than the 1040ST, when choosing between the two! Later I had to upgrade the memory to be able to play civilization I. it required that 1MB of RAM wtf. 
Thinking back on this, today I’d buy the 1040ST!!!
Oh no I did, it’s happened loads of times over the past few years where memories were unlocked, but yesterday there was so many new ones, and it seemed like I could continue unlocking new ones at will. And just before they are unlocked they do not exist to me at all then all of a sudden its’ like wow I remember this thing so well and the very flavour of it is there too.
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That sounds amazing (!), even though I have many terrible childhood memories, I have many good one’s too! Everything was so easy and carefree back then - uh like now; as I’m living more ‘here and now’. 
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I love your post btw. So inspiring; it’s like you’re give me an insight and a passage to my own stuff too! 
OK so the other interesting thing is that I can see that the sacrifice of self immolation is not sacrifice how I understand it in the real world.
Because in the real world sacrifice is usually done out of responsiblity/obligation, it’s like when I am a kid and I want ice-cream but I am told that I have to share half of it with my brother. There is sacrificing something out of obligation which inevitably brings up resentment, it also requires some kind of controller to impose the situation on me, it could equally be morality etc.
This is a different kinda sacrifice because it is a completely willing sacrifice - a sincere sacrifice haha. It is because of the enticement of what is available that I want to sacrifice myself, there is no should or must etc (in a moral/controlling sense), it is simply what I want with my entirety.
So yes it is a happy sacrifice, as in I gladly sacrifice myself.
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Awesome! Sometimes I get this sense of ‘what is the point’ in terms of posting but I do it anyways lol cos it helps me break things down.
I love it. I mean if I’ll never see and get to experience what you have and just had - it’s still such a blast reading: what could of been for me too (I’m laughing man 
). What you write is so down to earth and so much how I’d want it to be for myself, if I ever get to walk in your shoes.
I just ask for enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. How much is this to ask?
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Ok so I am thinking just as I cannot step out of morality/beliefs until something better is found, in the same way I will not self-immolate until the enticement is sufficient. It seems that all the explorations of the ‘inner world’ can provide me with the reasons why I do not want to remain in ‘reality’ but in itself that is nowhere near enough. On its own this seeing will only lead to desperate attempts at escape, but with nowhere concrete to land, so I am back to where I started each time.
Purity has to be experienced right at my doorstep as a solid alternative, and actually even then it seems it is not enough. It seems it really has to be cranked up to a level where it has to happen.
I find myself at that place where it is right on my doorstep but it has not been cranked up anywhere near the level needed - it is a “it would be so nice if it happened”, as opposed to “it must/will happen now” (no longer a choice).
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What I would say though is that I am still periodically launched and sometimes for some time stuck in the dark places. And at times it takes a lot of effort to climb out. It’s just that I also have these other times when it seems this purity is easily accessible or that it seems to be all there is. So basically what I am saying is it is not always smooth sailing, there is in general a sense that it takes a lot of persistence and diligence each moment again, like it seems I haven’t taken my foot off the gas pedal for the past 2/3 years.
Actually maybe it would be useful to chill out somewhat at some point
Haha so this is funny, I just put this idea in front of myself to stop, stop doing any ‘actualist stuff’. If I try to do it right now, nothing changes. It’s like all those processes are running on auto-pilot. Funny that it still feels like I am having to drive this whole thing and then I take my foot of the gas pedal and it does not slow down!
I do remember a very similar phenomenon in sports, actually this phenomenon is what allows extremely complex movements to be performed. Because each component of the complex movement gets to a point where it does itself perfectly, which means attention is now freed to add more components on (the ones which are not automatic yet need active attention). Eventually even the whole complex sequence does itself perfectly which allows for more impressive things to be performed.
I remember this from when I was training parkour, it’s what allowed this body to perform jumps that seemed so dangerous and yet it was all just doing itself, ‘I’ was the one that had to get very good at getting out of the way.
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Well said.
It’s becoming more apparent that having reasons why staying a feeling being is the silly thing to do, isn’t the same as seeing actual freedom as the sensible thing to do.
Which is skipping to the end.
Where is the Identity which will be the “landing place” for the next round of changes?
That’s probably the better thought. As in who will I be today?
Which sounds very normal. However, it’s not normal to change at all.
There is mountains of talking and writing about change out there, yet how many actually change?
It’s apparent that you have already indeed changed a lot over the years. Still, there is more to go. Someone even closer to the edge.
Perhaps, indeed aiming for some sort of “virtual freedom” is plausible? Meaning that it would be a radical change from an already radical change.
Perhaps your latest encounter with morality is an opportunity to become even more in tune with pure intent, to the point, as in your last post, an even more radically “automatic” actualist solidifies?
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Something I noticed whilst contemplating while tripping was that there is a very limited number of “heroes” in actualism, and in life in general, to otherwise “voice” the realisations and next steps one needs.
Inevitably, one is hearing one’s own voice. The voice of the “yet to take the next step” me. Which is sorta like listening to an apprentice talking about how to master a trade.
Somewhat of a tangent, but it’s an interesting thing I have noticed whilst training apprentices; sometimes they do spot something “new”. Sometimes, the eyes of a beginner are what is needed. Not often, just sometimes.
Yet, in a way, it’s reversed in actualism. There is no one who has “mastered” my life and what is next.
I am the apprentice, yet there is no master. As far as specifically a “master of Andrew’s life”.
No one has aced this level. For Andrew.
So, we are inclined to follow our best interpretation of “what would Richard, Peter…et al” do now?
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Try stuff, do more of what works
Sometimes that’s trying something they mentioned (like… the actualism method), a lot of times it has to come from ourselves because we’re the only ones that know what our own issues are
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I am glad that you write these post. They are very helpful, Kuba!
Nice stuff to catch up on. Are you there yet lol?
If you are ever down south dude would be cool to meet up for a drink.
I know a guy who knows a woman who knows a guy who knows Kevin Bacon lol
Actual freedom? Nope todays another day tho 
Yes I will definitely keep that in mind if I’m ever down south, and likewise if you ever find yourself up north.