Ah, brilliant. It can’t be “boots and all” if you’re divided against yourself, right? Sounds good. 
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Lots I wanted to write today but not enough time. Don’t know if @milito.paz has blown some big hole in the psychic web or what 
But it’s like this whole new ground has opened up to me. Feeling good is beginning to make sense as an ‘of course’ each moment again, why wouldn’t I ?
The thing which I wanted to write though is briefly seeing my step mum today, actually seeing her. The only word that I can think of to describe the experience is rich, it was infinitely rich, completely fascinating.
Now what I can see is that genuine fascination with this moment of being alive is the doorway into apperception, into actuality. The great this is that again fascination is something ‘I’ am capable of, in fact ‘I’ am already fascinated by so many things, I was always like this. The best thing is that now I have this infinitely rich world that I can turn this fascination towards, how could it ever get boring?
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Not enough time my ass. This is perfect.
You wrote a perfect post about a perfect visit to a perfect woman in this perfect, infinite and eternal universe.
It can never get boring
Hey Kuba, I’ve thought a lot about your recent journal entries, and it’s fucking excellent stutt. The idea that whatever fear or desire is present in the moment, if you trace it deep enough, there’s something pure and perfect behind it, that’s fucking brilliant. It’s true. Thank you. What better way to get all of ‘me’ on board?
This really complements the realisation I’ve had that it’s great to feel good because I care, and not because I don’t. Same flavour. All of ‘me’ behind it.
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Right and it’s all become much clearer to me with regards to intent. Of course I have to have all of ‘myself’ on board if I am to commit to actual freedom. Any form of morality or splitting myself up cannot work though because then ‘I’ don’t want it with all of ‘my’ being.
So lately it’s almost like I am slowly collecting ‘myself’ in this way, getting all these bits to point in the same direction, or maybe seeing that these other bits are no longer necessary because there is something better available now. It’s like tidying ‘myself’ up in line with the perfection and purity.
And still there are a couple things that are pointing in the wrong direction. But the difference now is that I know I will not fix this by any means of control. These last couple of dramas will go in the exact same way as all the other ones, when I actually see that they are unnecessary, that what I was after all along is the perfection and purity.
But it is really great to eliminate internal conflict, to no longer be at war with myself. Also to see that deep down I’ve always wanted this anyways!
This is what drew me yesterday to actually see my step mum. I became fascinated by something that can be summed up by - ‘it’s amazing what has been achieved despite the human folly’. We were having Easter dinner, I was feeling very good, and there were these constant little niggles between family members. I was fascinated to see though that each person is indeed doing the best they can, that underneath this absolute shit show called reality, there is good will in each person. Deep down we all want this already, and not just the Actualists either, underneath the BS this is simply what we are.
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I think I did actually hit the mark when I made this diagram a while back. It’s like this, that even reality is ‘informed’ by actuality, it’s just a very very bastardised imitation :
Man there really isn’t much left these days, but ‘I’ am still here
I spent some time just now looking at this slight feeling that something is wrong, this feeling is beckoning me to go ‘out there’ into reality, into that ‘story’ of ‘my’ life. To find what is wrong and to come up with a solution. But I been there and done that so no more.
This ‘story’ of ‘my’ life is truly hanging on by a thread by now lol. It’s like I’ve gone through the whole book and ripped out page after page, now there are a few short paragraphs left that keep wanting to be read over and over, even though they don’t make that much sense anymore
Ok so the challenge is to virtually eliminate that ‘story’, challenge accepted. It might not be 99.99% but it seems like it’s 97% by now, with those 3% carrying the whole weight of ‘me’.
This investment into the ‘story’ is diametrically opposed to the commitment to enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. If enjoying and appreciating is to be an ongoing way of living then that ‘story’ has to disappear, or at least virtually disappear.
A cool thing that clicked just now with regards to the ‘actualist hobo’ fantasy. This fear that things will somehow go wrong upon actual freedom, I see now it is a massive furphy. What ‘I’ am really concerned with is not that this body and everybody will not be better off. Instead what ‘I’ am resisting is things operating outside of the boundaries which ‘I’ have set, which ‘I’ identify with.
‘I’ can see now that things will be better in every single way, but it won’t be in ‘my’ way, that is what the resistance has been all about, sneaky!
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It’s funny I noticed that whenever I find myself experiencing actual intimacy, it is smell that stands out the most.
It’s like ‘I’ don’t really smell much normally, and then I find myself here where this moment is happening and the nose delights in any and all aromas, it’s so delightful just to smell the air, the different hints of this and that, man I could do that all day and not get bored 
I remember reading/hearing somewhere that smell is the most direct way to elicit a memory. It’s like smelling takes a more direct path in the brain or something.
It’s like I can experience sight or sound in the past/future, but it’s as if smell can only be properly experienced now.
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Hah, that final paragraph woke up my inner Wikipedia. Yes, the olfactory pathways are more direct. I’ll let ChatGPT put it much more succinctly than my ESL language centers can (I did check it for factuality. This has been an interest of mine for a long time):
Here’s the kicker: When you inhale and scent molecules waft into your nose, they directly contact the olfactory epithelium—a special tissue up in the nasal cavity that’s loaded with olfactory receptors. These receptors are neurons, so when they catch onto a scent, they don’t need to send the info elsewhere for initial processing. They’re already primed to do the job right there on the spot. They convert the chemical signal of the scent directly into a neural signal.
This neural signal then shoots straight up to the olfactory bulb, which is the brain’s front line for processing smells. The olfactory bulb is basically your scent analysis HQ, and it’s located right at the base of the brain, on the underside of the frontal lobe. This proximity to the brain means the scent signals don’t have to travel far to get processed, making the whole operation swift.
From the olfactory bulb, the signal takes a beeline to the brain regions involved in processing emotion and memory (like the amygdala and the hippocampus), which is why smells can trigger memories and emotions so vividly and quickly. This direct connection is unique compared to the pathways of other senses, such as vision or hearing, which require more steps and involve the thalamus before reaching the areas of the brain that interpret and give meaning to these inputs.
So, to wrap it up, the olfactory system’s layout with its direct, neuron-to-brain connection gives it a shortcut to our brain’s processing centers, allowing for a quicker and more direct handling of impressions. It’s like having a VIP pass to the brain’s emotional and memory centers, which is why smells can so powerfully evoke memories and feelings. Pretty neat, huh?
(Fixed the quoting on desktop)
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OK so continuing this one here - The "Rift" - #20 by Kub933
Something quite significant has clicked, this difference between alleviating and eliminating. What I am starting to consider is not just that as an identity I am unable to positively benefit others. Because then sure there can always be these excuses like - “well even if I become free it doesn’t mean others will”.
There is something much bigger here! It is the ongoing harm ‘I’ am actively causing merely by ‘being’ an identity. If we consider the potential harm caused by a newly free individual remaining in that ‘social identity sandpit’, the outcome is that ‘humanity’ in whatever form is perpetuated.
But then am ‘I’ not doing something similar but much worse merely by ‘being’ a ‘self’ each moment again? If ‘I’ am ‘humanity’ and ‘humanity’ is ‘me’ then any direction ‘I’ move in, other than self-immolation, is to perpetuate suffering, as Devika wrote - the original cause of suffering (being a self) is vindicated.
Each vibe, emotion, belief that is ‘me/humanity’ gets to live another day, and bounce from one to the other. Anything that reinforces ‘me’ reinforces ‘humanity’ and reinforces suffering. Every interaction ‘I’ have with another identity is another chance for reality to be reaffirmed and so for suffering to continue.
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So lately it’s becoming a little clearer just what is entailed in self-immolation. It makes me think back to what Geoffrey mentions in the zoom. That the path is one of changing yourself and then it’s ending yourself. That this is not some positive thinking philosophy because at the end one begins to realise that this thing will kill me
So today I had this glimpse of what that would mean, what Richard means when he says I am the universe experiencing itself as a flesh and blood body. I can see that indeed there will be no one left, just the stuff of the universe, consciousness is something this stuff is capable off but there is no soul left of any description.
And that’s it really, none of ‘my’ shenanigans matter in the end because ‘I’ am really going to disappear. That is really quite a radical thing.
It’s funny because it’s written all over the place, that ‘I’ will be annihilated but ‘I’ take the sting out of this and turn it into something more fluffy, like it’s just a metaphor or something.
So I am seeing all those descriptions of self-immolation as a lot more literal now haha! It is the end of ‘me’, there will only be that pure and pristine stuff of the universe left, it won’t have anyone inside anymore, it won’t be ‘my’ life anymore.
And it is a huge thing to sacrifice, ‘I’ am giving up ‘my’ life. And like Geoffrey wrote, not some other dissociated ‘me’, but the very person writing these words.
So it makes sense why this decision takes so much preparation, why something big is required to provide the motivation. If I’m going to cheerfully allow myself to be killed, it has to be worth it haha.
Right now I’m kind of biased towards the soul, like the soul is what’s truly precious, why would I give up this precious soul so that the stuff of the universe can have a ball.
It’s interesting because the reason the soul is seen as precious is at core because it is capable of suffering, whereas the stuff of the universe being incapable of such a thing is seen as empty or dead.
It’s funny that the most precious quality of ‘humanity’ what sets ‘us’ apart from ‘empty matter’ is that ‘we’ are capable of suffering.
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19/04/2024 :
Dear Diary,
After many years of this arduous journey I discovered that the method is indeed enjoying and appreciating.
The end .
I keep coming back to this recently, this is the last thing to do and really it was the only thing to do all along. Each moment again to align the totality of my being with enjoyment and appreciation.
It’s funny though because it takes an ongoing attentiveness to maintain this, if left to my own devices I naturally drift away from enjoyment and appreciation.
So it’s like each moment again I am actively breaking the habit of gravitating towards sorrow and malice by seeing that enjoyment and appreciation is available here now. There is always this slight resistance at first, like “ooh I don’t know if this is safe”. But if I take the ‘risk’ I find myself in a place where all is safe and delightful.
Lately there is a growing aspect of sensuosity coming through, for example the other day I was driving and I was delighting in the experience of breathing, I was sensing (physically) the temperature and density of the air entering my lungs, it seemed very substantial, as in it was actual. With this sensuosity comes the experience of actually being here, I am actually breathing this air, whilst at the same time picking up on the hints of this and that smell etc, it’s just pure delight.
There is another aspect which I have noticed (perhaps a more existential one) when I make that switch from ‘normal’ to existing in this playground where all I do is delight. There is this sense like I am at home, finally. It makes me think back to Richard writing that he is a citizen of the universe, this is what I experience it like, by being here I am at home, and there is no place else, it’s a super sweet experience.
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Nice, I am also experiencing the same thing right now. The method is simple, but it takes focus and commitment. The draw towards straight hedonism/procrastination is huge for me, so that’s where I go when left to my own devices. It seems like “I” really don’t want to be here. “It’s too much work” or “what’s the point”.
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It helped me to read this while I am sitting in McDonald’s having coffee. I have been letting pain in my hip keep me from enjoying and appreciating and even forgetting what the method is. I have now realized that I can enjoy and appreciate in spite of having continuous pain.
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Yeah escaping that gravity of ‘being/reality’ is a tricky thing, there is always a ‘good reason’ to be pulled in it seems.
I mostly find myself slowly drawn towards ‘surviving’ in one way or another, then before I know it I am trapped in all sorts of schemes and dreams, then I am looking for an escape etc.
So it’s working out how to stop all that and allow enjoyment and appreciation instead, I still don’t have any formula to this other than sometimes I seem to just do it haha.
It seems to me that this feeling of a ‘good reason’ to suffer and this aspect of ‘surviving’ are linked. It’s the survival programme in operation, generating ‘danger’ and pushing one to find ‘solutions’.
But by going into it (reality) a genuine resolution never comes, so the thing to do instead is to redirect towards enjoyment and appreciation.
But this redirecting never feels right on an intuitive level, what feels right is to continue suffering and ‘surviving’. But of course we know better than to take a feeling to be a fact! Because once enjoyment and appreciation is live then from that place it’s utterly sensible.
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The redirecting doesn’t feel right when you’re doing it. But once you’re doing it (enjoying and appreciating), it feels like exactly the right thing to be doing (and why wasn’t I doing it before? )
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Yes exactly haha.
Yeah, or fix whatever conditions my conditional well-being depends on. Then I might consider feeling good again 
As long as nothing else happens 
Weird how everyone likes feeling good when it’s happening, but when it’s not, we don’t even want to until…
Edit: A particularly insidious and self-defeating one: “I am the kind of person who will not feel good until ‘I’ cease to exist”
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Yes and this does make sense when I consider just what ‘I’ am as ‘self’, a survival programme. It’s exactly what Srinath wrote on the simple actualism page -
‘Self’ arose evolutionarily, as an emergent by-product of consciousness, carved out of instinctual and social attitudes. Its purpose as a process is not happiness. On the contrary, one of its primary goals is dissatisfaction – and seeking to remedy it through pacificatory reassurance and aggrandisement
I had quite an interesting trail of investigation regarding this yesterday. Driving to one of my hen party gigs I noticed there was fear, I followed this fear down to its very core. As I did this I was trying to keep in mind the fact that ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. I wanted to know just why I was feeling fearful, at the core of it I saw that I wasn’t just feeling fearful, I saw that I am fear. It seemed very senseless at first but I stuck with it for a little longer and then it clicked. I saw that what I am as ‘self’ is this blind instictual programme.
It was very fascinating because I saw that all of the dramas that ‘I’ have been involved in ‘my’ whole life were exactly that - ‘my’ passionate attempt to ensure survival and propagation. I saw that ‘I’ am not evil in the sense that ‘I’ was sent here by Satan to do nothing but destroy. All the evil that ‘I’ am responsible for is ‘my’ very very misguided attempt to do what ‘I’ was designed to do.
‘I’ am inside this body screaming constantly “don’t go there, danger!”, “go here it will do you good!”, “you need to do X then you will be safe!”. Deep deep down ‘I’ am trying to protect this body, this is ‘my’ very purpose, given by blind nature and ‘I’ have been earnestly doing just that ‘my’ whole life, the outcome is the human condition - the wars, the rapes, the suicides, the depression etc
But this drive to protect and propagate is not an evil one, it’s far from it because it is exactly what got life this far, it was ‘me’ doing ‘my’ job. The problem is that ‘I’ am still passionately and earnestly trying to do this job when it is no longer needed and infact where it results in evil and destruction.
This is where it gets kinda cool, because what can this passionate protector do now to earnestly continue ‘his’ job of protecting this body? He only has 1 choice.
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