Kub933's Journal

Journals
62

In my experience most people don’t get very far because they never really try in the first place

Then there are people that give a perfunctory try and then give up when it gets hard

It’s hard for a lot of people because it’s so far outside the social norm. Some people do super hard things all the time. Climbing huge mountains. Olympic athletes. Concert pianists. It’s not like there are no people in the world who want to do difficult things

What’s most encouraging to me is, it is what is happening all the time. One of the free people says that people have to work overtime to avoid it. So it’s always there when people look, and people are having PCEs all the time.

And a lot of those PCE people are going into this or that religion, just because they don’t know any better.

Also Richard initially thought there would be global peace on earth in his lifetime. He has since dialed that back because he was surprised by how stubborn humanity was. It was a bigger project than he initially thought. I’ve sometimes called it a 500-year project rather than a 5 year project. But even if it does take 500 years, what could be a better priority? That wave is still building, it’s still what matters.

After every significant PCE or EE I’m always reminded that this is bigger than ‘I’ can understand.

2 Likes
63

Yes and I think another aspect to this is that people are not sufficiently advised about the difficulties inherent in doing this. This is something that I always found lacking in the information regarding actual freedom, that it can be pretty hard and daunting at times and one can pass through many periods of intense and overwhelming emotions. I would have really benefitted from someone explaining to me that this is normal and to be expected, which is why I am normally quick to write that this thing can be damn hard at times!
Of course there are also many other times that are absolutely wonderful and the happiness and harmlessness that one can have via Actualism is unlike anything else you will find in the real world, so it is more than worth venturing through the dark periods.

For example I have been faced with some pretty intense emotions the last few days, quite overwhelming at times but I kept patiently applying awareness-cum-attentiveness to the whole thing and now I have reached this new plateau where everything is so easy and wonderful so it was definitely worth it. The reason I was able to patiently navigate through those intense emotions though was because I have been through this kinda thing before so I know what to expect.

Yes this is usually when it becomes clear that Actualism is not a positive glossing which allows one to remain the same but that there is something radical that will be taking place, right from the very beginning ‘I’ am getting exposed.

Yeah that is a very good point, theres plenty of people doing all sorts of difficult things and to be honest even being normal and existing in the real world is difficult. So it is not so much that people cannot accomplish difficult tasks but that they are not ready/willing to abandon the tried and true. It seems once more it is the PCE which allows one to see that abandoning the real world is necessary if one is to ever be truly happy and harmless.

Another good point, yes it is happening all the time. I remember going out clubbing with a friend who did some recreational drugs and then had what sounded like a PCE. He is a firm believer in all things spiritual though so that experience would have been twisted into something it is not. How much different it could be if the 3rd alternative was more widely available to people.

Yes I think contemplating all this will have 2 completely different answers depending on where one is looking from and I have noticed this in myself.

Intellectual contemplation from the vantage point of being trapped within the real world will come up with 1 sort of answer.

Contemplating all this whilst being firmly connected to Pure intent will demonstrate a whole different answer.

2 Likes
64

Reading my post back I think I might be completely wrong about this :joy: As in now that I think of it there is plenty of mention on the AFT about the difficult periods. Richard writes about the dread and all the horrible things he went through, Peter writes in the Actualism map about traversing the no-mans land and there is more.

Maybe it is something about actualism being about enjoyment and appreciation which makes is seem like ‘I’ will just get to stay the same and feel amazing 24/7, but in my experience that is not how it plays out in practice. The amazing periods seem to be earned by sorting through all sorts of emotional mine-fields.

2 Likes
65

So as alluded to in my previous posts I was sorting through some quite intense stuff the past couple of days, everything seems to have smoothed out since this morning and I find myself very much in a place that is wonderful and magical. ‘I’ come in and spoil it here and there but each time I catch this happening, I guide myself back to that magical place.

The past few days I have had a lot of realisations about just what ‘I’ am, that humanity has essentially created, taught and been living out an emotionally-backed myth. What ‘I’ am is the end product of all this madness, the end product of belief and conditioning. Contemplating all this is what I think has been leading to the very strong emotional reactions that I have been sorting through.

What I cannot quite understand yet is where does the feeling being fit into all this. As in I can see how ‘I’ as a social identity basically comprise of all the myths of humanity, ‘I’ am the end product of all the conditioning.

But that is not the whole of the identity, because there is this surge of affective energy which makes ‘me’ as a social identity ‘real’. It is what gives colour to all those fantasies. This current is the feeling being which has latched itself onto those concepts, thus creating the identity called Kuba.

The thing which is really interesting and I can see how it is possible to arrive at virtual freedom, is that with time and persistence it is possible to sort through and eliminate most of these fantasies, to such an extent that the social identity is more or less no longer extant.

But the feeling being remains, that current of affective energy which fuels the whole structure is there, and it cannot be ‘seen through’ in the same way as a belief can be (at least it does not appear to me this way). So as much as the social identity can be whittled down substantially, ‘I’ as a feeling being have to be eradicated through an entirely different process, this is the weird cross-roads I am at now.

2 Likes
66

That’s where @Srinath’s advice from awhile back comes in, just watching the affective self, allowing purity as much as possible, and comparing the two experiences… it becomes easier and easier to allow purity to take hold… the affective is still the ‘same,’ but purity is beginning to be present everywhere.

For me there are still some ego-things to snipe here and there but this is mostly what I’m doing now. And it just keeps getting better, all the affective has less and less substance and purity is more and more obvious

When in doubt… enjoy & appreciate :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

3 Likes
67

There is something that has been clarifying itself the past couple of days, it is alluded to both in the below post by Geoffrey and also by Richard in his Journal where he mentions that relying on Trust and Faith reflects a lack of confidence about living in general.

How I have been experiencing it the past few days is that any time I catch myself flying off into various imaginary scenarios, or ‘going over’ the same scenario time and time again, I am looking to generate a sense of security by attaching myself to a concept, moral, belief etc.

This need to hide behind an authority (which comes from the morals, values etc) is because I lack confidence in living in general.

I saw this very clearly this morning, that ‘I’ am an uneasy combination of the the instinctual fear which has latched itself onto the morals and values of society in order to gain security. Those morals and values are nonsensical by the very nature of being a belief and often in contrast to each other, therefore ‘I’ am always left confused, anxious, unsure of myself, insecure etc, that is the hallmark of being a social identity.

There is however this other me that comes to the fore every now and then, when that whole play is seen for what it is and there is this natural/organic confidence in being what I already am, without pretence or striving to be a someone.

It is the sort of confidence that ‘I’ as a social identity can never have, it is something ‘I’ try to imitate by being confident (in the real world version of the word) but it never quite works, because self doubt is always just around the corner.

That other confidence is secure because it is rooted in fact. There is a surety that I will respond in the correct way to whatever happens, and this brings such a relief, to be freed from worry. In that place, free of worry, I am free to enjoy and appreciate being here to the full extent.

4 Likes
68

The other thing I wanted to write about was happening mostly on Saturday.

I found myself as usual experiencing this low key level of worry/anxiety about my hen party bookings that day. Anticipating what they groups would be like, whether I would get there on time, if they would respond to me well etc.

I saw that ‘I’ will never get to a place where the worry goes completely and again I turned my attention to that something outside of ‘me’. It got me contemplating the difference between the word safety and security.

‘I’ as an identity am always desperately searching for security, yet the word security implies that there is a danger that one is being continually protected from. As in a security system is there because of the potential for a break-in.

This really exemplified what ‘my’ security is all about, it is something manufactured to shield ‘me’ from ‘the danger’ and yet the 2 forever reinforce each other. As such ‘my’ security is always so fickle and insecure.

Then I began contemplating the word safety, it was the experience of something outside of ‘me’ which informed me about this safety.
In the actual world there is an utter safety because there was never a ‘danger’ to begin with, this safety is so vastly different to ‘my’ security that really you cannot even compare the 2. And so I found myself again sort of oscillating between this total and complete safety and ‘my’ fear-fuelled need for ‘security’.

3 Likes
69

The last thing which comes to mind from the weekend is really long states of ‘me’ being almost not discernible. Which actually sort of confused/alarmed me because these did not seem to be PCE’s and feelings were still coming up every now and then but disappearing very quickly as soon as they were noticed.
The feelings seemed to be experienced as primarily physical symptoms with no ‘me’ of any significant substance to become involved.
Which immediately started ringing the dissociation alarm :joy: but then again I have been down that path and this did not seem like it at all.

In general I was feeling very good and simply enjoying driving around in the wonderful weather that we had.

3 Likes
70

Alan wrote something similar at one point and I found it strange at the time - as I do now too! a few questions:

1- isn’t feeling very good in and of itself an affective feeling?
2- how do you experience “simply enjoying” in this state if not affectively?
3- what’s the experience of pure intent like in this state?
4- how does the state compare to a PCE? What’s the same / different?

1 Like
71

Yup I find it strange also, because thinking about it intellectually I can’t quite see what else it could be than some weird dissociative state but also I cannot pinpoint any actions/events which led me there.

1 - Yes I wasn’t very clear when I said “feelings were experienced as physical symptoms” I should have specified that the good/bad feelings were experienced this way.
So I was feeling very good and for example fear would begin to come into the picture, it would be experienced primarily as a rising feeling in the throat/chest region as opposed to the full on mental/emotional construct which is how feeling fearful would normally be experienced. This is why it would diminish from me noticing it, as it had nothing more to turn into.
So actually it seems it’s not that it wasn’t experienced affectively but that it was experienced somewhat one dimensionally, it did not have the whole backing of ‘me’ as a mental/emotional construct behind it, it’s like it was getting nipped in the bud before it could become that.

2 - Yes the simply enjoying was done affectively.

3 - I actually made a point to ask myself the same question as it was happening, there wasn’t an experience of Pure intent, not like during the PCE’s that I had in the past anyways. I guess you could put it this way, a PCE has a very dynamic element to it, as in matter is not merely passive, this had more of a stagnant /passive element to it. This is why the state was weird because ‘I’ was very difficult to discern but ‘I’ was still blocking that perfection and purity.

4 - So the difference/similarity to PCE would be basically what I said in point no3.

2 Likes
72

Just reading this back, the ‘I’ which was difficult to discern seems to be referring specifically to ‘me’ as a mental/emotional construct (or me as ego I could also say), ‘I’ was still there of course as ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’, and there were definitely feelings happening.

1 Like
73

The only thing I can somewhat compare this to is mentioned here - Out-from-Control, Different Way of Being

I am not proposing that I am in out-from-control virtual freedom but the experience of no longer being a do-er and instead being a beer is a good way to explain the state.

1 Like
74

So I think this is the answer then — ‘you’ are certainly around and ‘you’ are experiencing ‘yourself’ emotionally/affectively – namely via felicitous feelings.

So at least this part of it isn’t dissociating :smiley: .

I think once you get used to feeling felicitous it can appear like you aren’t feeling anything, but actually you are, you’re feeling felicitous …

This makes sense also – so it doesn’t seem like dissociation either, you’re still feeling the feeling, it’s just different than usual…

Hmm maybe one way to look at it - and this is just a suggestion, not speaking from experience - is that you can observe the difference of how you experience pure intent during the state, vs how you experience it in a PCE. And whatever that ‘difference’ is, is ‘you’ blocking the perfection & purity. So in that sense ‘you’ can be really easy to discern, by contrast …

Now, speaking from experience, I think what is ‘missing’ from this state is the ‘dynamic’ aspect of pure intent. This aspect is what is activated in an EE (not just in a PCE). There pure intent goes to the fore-front and ‘I’ am almost instantly having a blast, fully in a state of wonder of being alive and of how good life can really get, and it’s night-and-day to what came before. As you probably read in my journal, I wondered if I wasn’t “really” enjoying and appreciating before, because of how much ‘more’ it was during.

So perhaps this state is as good as you can possibly get while still in-control (in-control virtual freedom), far above ‘normal’ already, but still nowhere near as good as being out-from-control :smiley: .

As to what activates out-from-controlness from me (temporarily via an EE), often just deciding to have a ton of fun does the trick.

3 Likes
75

Yes agreed! I was actually thinking the same thing, ‘I’ was that thin film which although not problematic, was still blocking the purity and perfection. The stagnant/passive aspect of the experience was actually ‘me’.

And yes the second part of what you wrote I think is also on point, the missing bit is the dynamic aspect of Pure intent. I am still somewhat in that weird place today so I will see how it progresses, I think I know what I need to be aiming for now though :grin: your Avocado experience is a prime example of that dynamic element.

2 Likes
76

From my own experience with that ‘little bit of me remaining’ aspect, there’s an interesting thing where when I first came into actualism I mostly only noticed the really big emotions, then I got those under control, started noticing medium sized emotions, etc etc etc. and each time I notice more and more subtle ‘self’ it takes a bit of being like “this is so easy/clear!” and then I start noticing what there is remaining.

So it really works out conveniently, as there is less of me my ability to see what there is increases.

And all the while my overall sense of enjoyment of life continues to ramp up, I keep getting clearer and clearer glimpses of how good it can be.

Happy to see where you’re at!

4 Likes
77

OK so a pretty hilarious turn of events this morning which made me giggle at the tricks I get up to.
So this morning I had to go to an emergency clinic because I managed to get a whole chunk of a silicone earplug lodged deep in my ear canal. How the situation came about and how I tried to find a scapegoat for my upset is the funny part.

So I don’t seem to digest vegetables too well and get rather gassy if I have too many :sweat_smile:
Now I had a bunch of vegetables last night and was keeping @Sonyaxx up all night :joy: So that she could sleep with some fresh breathing air she opened the window but as it was already early in the morning the birds were very loud.

I try not to use the earplugs often but I it was too loud so I put them in and a big chunk of the silicone sort of melted/dissolved all the way into my ear canal.

I began to get pretty worried as I couldn’t hear anything in that ear and the silicone had gone completely soft so it was not possible to pull it out. Now of course I needed a scapegoat to justify getting upset and I began to feel like it must have been Sonya’s fault as she opened the window!

As soon as I thought about how Sonya opened the window (and how I could use that to justify the blame) the rest of the string of events presented itself - vegetables → farting → open window → ear plug stuck :joy: and of course I could no longer justify the scapegoat, seeing the whole situation made me see that it is pointless to apportion blame whichever way.

There is too many variables at play and as Richard writes, apportioning blame has a crippling effect and prevents the clear appraisal of the situation.

The other funny thing is that as the silicone plug was stuck in my ear I was still somewhat in that interesting place I am usually at first thing in the morning, with ‘me’ somewhat out of the way and the world around looking very luscious. But seeing as I thought this thing might never come out I began spinning a story about how becoming actually free won’t be as good now that I am missing hearing in 1 ear! :joy: like I have been robbed of the ‘full experience’ of my imaginary actual freedom.

4 Likes
78

It’s been an eventful morning :joy:

1 Like
80

So I’ve had a really cool day today reading Srinath’s PCE guide on the simple actualism page. First of all @Srinath your writing style is really a pleasure to read! It’s so simple and relatable and each word has the effect of bringing me closer (experientially) to what is being spoken about.

What I notice now is that there is almost this whole other world I have been missing out on and it’s something I can quite easily dip into now, maybe because my baseline in general is much better nowadays. Getting to that place where my experience becomes suffused with sensual enjoyment.

And what I notice now is that all it takes is an ‘inclination’ for me to open up to it each moment. Each time I do there is an immediate contentment and safety, it’s like I am completely enclosed in this world of sensual delight. The trick is for ‘me’ to agree each moment to allow it to happen.

4 Likes
81

I’ve been having fun trying to get myself to that place of delighting at various times in the day. What I notice is that a specific PCE walk is not a requirement, it is whenever I am able to put my worries and plans aside and allow myself to simply delight in the world around me right now. The right now seems key, as current time awareness is critical for this to work, I cannot be involved in planning/worrying about various things that could happen in the future whilst at the same time delighting in being here. This is where this whole ‘going on a mini holiday’ mindset works, I need to be prepared to set all that aside and tune into this whole other dimension of experience, and it really seems this way… it is like a switch, going from being primarily involved with serious ‘being’ business to all of a sudden being bathed in sensuosity, with ‘me’ ‘thinning out’ and a soft and delightful atmosphere all around.

I can see at this point all the various approaches almost converging. It is the somewhat stable baseline of feeling good which allows me to try this in the first place, it is the various skills in identifying and dealing with the emotions that do come up which allow this thing to continue panning out instead of being derailed by the good and bad feelings. It is also the connection to Purity which gives me surety that I am travelling in the correct direction.

4 Likes
82

The other thing worth mentioning is that in the past I did not allow myself to explore this side of things because I was too afraid that I would end up verging into repression/supression or ASC territory.

Playing around with this now there seems to be that safety net of knowing that if I do come off the wide and wondrous path and into some weird territory, that I will be able to sniff it out rather quick and get back on track.

Back then I didn’t really know my ass from my elbow so trying to focus on allowing more and more sensuosity seemed likely to end up getting derailed into a dead end.

It is clear that there is a relationship between felicity/innocuity and sensuosity. I could demonstrate it as 2 separate (but somewhat connected) ‘health bars’.
If the felicity/innocuity health bar is running very low the sensuosity health bar cannot increase too much, 1 is capped by the other to an extent.

Now the fun part is balancing all this out so that both health bars are increasing, and then when 1 begins to dip I need to attend to what is happening in the correct way, this seems to come with practice.

3 Likes