There is something that has been clarifying itself the past couple of days, it is alluded to both in the below post by Geoffrey and also by Richard in his Journal where he mentions that relying on Trust and Faith reflects a lack of confidence about living in general.
How I have been experiencing it the past few days is that any time I catch myself flying off into various imaginary scenarios, or ‘going over’ the same scenario time and time again, I am looking to generate a sense of security by attaching myself to a concept, moral, belief etc.
This need to hide behind an authority (which comes from the morals, values etc) is because I lack confidence in living in general.
I saw this very clearly this morning, that ‘I’ am an uneasy combination of the the instinctual fear which has latched itself onto the morals and values of society in order to gain security. Those morals and values are nonsensical by the very nature of being a belief and often in contrast to each other, therefore ‘I’ am always left confused, anxious, unsure of myself, insecure etc, that is the hallmark of being a social identity.
There is however this other me that comes to the fore every now and then, when that whole play is seen for what it is and there is this natural/organic confidence in being what I already am, without pretence or striving to be a someone.
It is the sort of confidence that ‘I’ as a social identity can never have, it is something ‘I’ try to imitate by being confident (in the real world version of the word) but it never quite works, because self doubt is always just around the corner.
That other confidence is secure because it is rooted in fact. There is a surety that I will respond in the correct way to whatever happens, and this brings such a relief, to be freed from worry. In that place, free of worry, I am free to enjoy and appreciate being here to the full extent.