Kub933's Journal

Journals
397

Yes, this has been dawning on me; I can’t hold “both” views and progress.

Having all the “normal” opinions just doesn’t line up with the goal of being happily prepared to “psychic suicide”.

All the normal morality, which is 90% of what a social identity is, just can’t gel with the goal.

I must, if I am to be correctly positioned, rejoice in the happiness of others, reveal in the birthright of everyone to do what they will.

Without that, how can I expect the will to arise in me to do what needs to be done?

Although we can sensibly say “X,y,z” is destructive behaviour and heinous towards peaceful living, it is also the very impetus of “will” which drives forward an actualist.

Petroleum can fuel the car of a rapist, a murderer, and an actualist.

The motive force itself needs to be free, which is why the only question I ask is “what is pure intent?” Then let the drive live me.

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398

So a while ago I was watching some random video of Andrew Tate hanging out with a bunch of influencers, I don’t know why but this video had a profound effect on how I understand the human condition :joy:

I remember watching him moving about and interacting with others, I could see the actual flesh and blood body called Andrew Tate, I could see that at the same time this body is possessed by a parasitic entity which goes about causing all sorts of mayhem. I never observed it so clearly, I could see that the body is intrinsically benign and likeable whilst the identity… maybe not so much lol I could see that the entity is forever separated from the actual and that it is also a complete illusion onto itself, it lives in a state of confusion and anguish.

This video is somehow lodged in my memory and keeps being resurrected as a reminder of who ‘I’ am vs what I am as this flesh and blood body, I have lost count of how many times in the past few weeks this memory has resurfaced and had quite a profound effect on my experiencing, serendipity indeed :laughing:.

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399

Aah yes…I second this…“intrinsically likeable” is precisely the description that came to me too !

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The identity on the other hand is a hair trigger entity forever scared n ready to attack…no wonder it is intrinsically unlikable :joy:

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401

There’s a bit in Richard’s journal that I have always found fascinating, he writes that during the young years a person learns how to be sad, afraid, lonely, insecure, essentially by copying those around.

At first reading this I thought it’s kinda weird because the passions are there to begin with so do we really learn how to be sad for example? It seems such a core thing that it must be innate.
It poses a really interesting question of just how much it is possible to whittle ‘me’ down.
It also poses an interesting question of just how much of what we take as set in stone is actually just there unnecessarily.

What I am finding is that indeed those things are learnt. It seems that the passions are only the raw energy that is then moulded into the sophisticated, into various emotions including being sad, afraid, lonely etc. Essentially those emotions are acted out, through repetition they are perfected and made real, made into ‘me’.

I could see this happening this morning, I woke up and there was a tinge of sadness/resentment and I could see the very structure of this emotion being exactly that - like a learnt, repeated and polished act. Through time this act becomes worked into a structure in its own right, into ‘me’. The fascinating thing is that as Richard says what is learnt can be unlearned so I am intrigued to see in practice just how far it is possible to whittle this thing down. Although it does get into weird territory at that point, stepping away from the very things that make ‘me’ ‘human’.

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402

Something fun came up this morning, it was reading @Srinath’s post about mimetic desire a while ago which set this seeing in motion - Road block - #18 by Srinath

Since reading that post I have observed how ‘my’ reality is this constantly shifting construct, what’s more interesting though is that this construct is constantly adjusted/arises out of the responses that I get from others and more specifically the responses I feel from others.

This is quite big because really it shows the utter fallibility of this construct - as in it has no chance whatsoever of reflecting that which is actually the case. It is funny though how such a fallible construct, such an incorrect assessment of what is actually the case is felt to be intuitively true beyond doubt, as in when ‘I’ feel passionately about something.

Really what I am saying is that a feeling is not a fact but it was seeing the intricacies of why this is the case which really hit me this morning.

It happened because I was doing some training with one of my students yesterday and during our sparring I felt some kind of a angry/irritated/pissed off vibe from him (at least this is what I thought I detected). Then I woke up this morning and I was somehow feeling like I did something wrong, like there is something wrong with me, that I have something to apologise for, that I am not good enough, that I have some atonement to do - essentially I created an entire self-centred story surrounding this thing which I felt. This story I believed to be a true reflection of what happened - “he must have been pissed off with me because I was going too hard on him and really he thinks I am a lousy coach” etc.

This entire construct was my reality - I really truly believed that this was what was happening and I was already planning different ways in which I was going to approach these problems.

Then this thought occurred - what if that which I ‘detected’ as him being angry at me was actually him being frustrated with himself for the myriad of reasons possible?
Of course I don’t know but putting this possibility in front of myself made the whole thing fall apart as if it was made from sand, I saw that entire construct I created (and was so heavily invested in) was based on something so fallible, something that is not even as reliable as a guess, because a guess can at least be intelligent :laughing: This is pure affectively fed speculation.

Then I could see what the affective faculty does to the intellect. I saw that genuine certainty and confidence comes from that which is ascertained sensately, from the actual. Whereas that which comes from the ‘inside’ is illusion and delusion. It cannot be relied on at all, and yet it is felt to be fundamentally true.

It was quite a freeing seeing because it showed that the sorrowful story of ‘my’ life is not even close to being the case :laughing: it’s actually quite impressive that ‘I’ can sell such an incorrect assessment to ‘myself’ and then believe it to be true.

And this is the story of being ‘human’, going around feeling that truly life is this and that way, that it is fundamentally wrong. And having all the best reasons why it is the case, they seem so true!

And actually it is all so wrong, so incorrect that it’s staggering to contemplate and so freeing to see!

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403

They can only get to you because they are you.

So, this or that person can have all sorts of learnt ways of manipulating others, but it only works because we are made out of exactly the same stuff.

So, someone learns to project their own frustration as anger onto others. Another learns to project their own frustration as sorrow, and that’s probably about all there is.

Either we are putting out anger, or we are putting out sorrow.

Then we have these elaborate constructions on what to do now.

As you rightly put it, we create the problems to then justify ourselves solving the problems.

The more we do it, the more real we seem.

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404

There is only one solution, stop being!

But I will get back to you on that one, I am busy solving problems I created. :wink:

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405

The funniest thing is that for all I know he could have stubbed his toe during the sparring and had an automatic reaction of frustration, or any number of things and then my feeling process created an entire monster out of this. We are all going round doing this and sorta ‘bouncing’ off each other constantly.

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406

Right.

I have been having a really frustrating time at work as a huge blame shifting game goes on.

Yet, had I stepped back? I already knew the game, but had never bothered to stop playing it.

I wonder what would have happened had you stopped and asked the student if they are Ok?

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They could have insisted everything was fine, and the same drama played out. That’s probably most likely.

If they were psychically skilled at projection, then “I am fine” would have been the answer.

Actually, it reminds me of something I have noticed in my particular MO; I will tend to ask others if they are OK, when it was actually me who wasn’t OK. :sweat_smile:

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408

This is why I started talking about manipulating.

The whole feeling first entity we are, is manipulating and being manipulated all the time.

It one big mofo trick.

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Yeah so I notice it goes a step further, it’s the reason why it does not make sense to simply believe what people say or accept what they feel as having some authority. Rather I need to make my own assessment of what is actually the case.

Because let’s assume he stubbed his toe and automatically felt anger rise up, he might indeed twist this anger and project it onto me and say - you’re doing something wrong because of X or like you say do the whole ‘I’m fine’ thing. So if I was to ask are you OK and then simply accept the answer as being true I am forgetting that people are blind to their own distortions, as in they will believe/feel that I truly did something wrong, meanwhile the toe stub was the culprit all along haha, well the real culprit is the affective which causes the mind fuck to begin with.

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410

Yes, the classic “never ask a woman how she is” can be applied to every single person.

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411

It’s sorta naughty to know this right?

Which is where pure intent comes in. Because knowing that just about 100% of what anyone (including oneself) says is utter bullshit as far as accurate assessment of what is happening, can lead to consciously manipulating people.

Enter the entire world of “how to win friends and influence people” sphere.

Or 3 full aisles at any bookstore.

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412

Actually, I want to backtrack on that; knowing it means that we know we are manipulating people, so what then?

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Yeah I was just thinking about that side of the equation and for any well meaning person observing this happening there is only 1 sensible option - to step out of it completely which means no possibility for manipulation either way.

I was thinking about those who might be unlucky enough to grow up around parents/guardians with emotional issues, at a period where one’s entire reality and sense of identity is being actively created from that very felt feedback along with the labels projected.

What a terrible handicap to give a developing human being, that’s on top of the handicap we all inevitably pick up one way or another.

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414

And actually what parent/guardian does not have emotional issues lol, we all do and it’s called being ‘me’.

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Yeah, this was actually a feature of the last mushroom trip.

There was this whole layer of “people” who were like servants to others egos.

Happily doing whatever to make the egos feel important.

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416

I mean, there was this layer that has “stepped out”