I ruined a part of this magic n wonder by becoming a game programmer…now I know what’s going on under the hood and see that game world in terms of codes 
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That’s sorta how we all ruin life.
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@Kub933 I frequently experience this type of memory recovery whenever I’m having a lot of EEs, I’m brought back to some rarefied air where I remember things I hadn’t thought about in a long time
@Shashank @Andrew I’d say it’s less about understanding more about it than it is about creating associations where there were previously none, for example now that it’s a ‘job’ there are a bunch of negative associations having to do with work that cloud the previously pure experience of enjoyment. And we constantly do that with things that at one time were joyful & simple
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Yeah, the job factor as-in it’s connection with survival dimishes the enjoyment, but it has more to do with age and novelty factor…I’ve read a lot of non game developers being very nostalgic about those teenage years when they had just gotten a PC n they started playing games
They even made a law out of this lol… “The law of diminishing marginal utility holds that as we consume more of an item, the amount of satisfaction produced by each additional unit of that good declines”
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That’s just because as we repeat things it gets much more likely that ‘being’ will create an association that takes away from any initial purity & enjoyment
As always, the best thing is to enjoy & appreciate… rememorate the PCE… it can & will happen now!
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@bub We don’t know each other so I guess you cannot have any more of an idea of what my life is like than by reading my recent posts. But if the recent post was a reflection of the totality of my life then it is a completely false reflection haha.
I actually do all those things which you wrote as pointers, as in I am a martial arts instructor, I train MMA and BJJ and I do live sparring multiple times a week. I am currently on my way to France for a skiing holiday. I work on weekends as a butler in the buff for hen parties (kinda like a glorified stripper). I spent my entire youth doing parkour and rock climbing and more haha.
And yet still there is a flatness which is intrinsic to the experience of real vs actual, a flatness that no amount of affective excitement will ever overcome.
The PCE is in a league of its own and once tasted all those other excitements which I used to pursue are seen as pathetic substitutes for the experience of the actual world.
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There is also the aspect of intimacy within the world created by us a children (and in video games), where it’s pure imagination, and visual/ sensual directness.
The more we interact within the social construct of school etc, searching for friends et al, the more Shashanks insights into it not being genuine enjoying unless it’s socially approved.
Which is of course the beginning of the march towards everything we felt being channelled into libido and our service of the ‘greater good’ ; the blind and relentless seading of more, more, more.
‘we’ become a husk. Not that we weren’t already, but back then we were still green. Still freshly hatched. Now the true nature of ‘our’ purpose is revealed; the social identity is about ‘humanity’, and the survival of it’s ‘god’.
Deleted because I was talking through my ass.
Apologies.
Well, that’s fucken right well put me in my place hasnt it.
Talk less. Learn more.
Humblest (emphasis on that word) apologies.
That’s no problem at all @bub, one of the great things I found interacting with other Actualists is that because the primary focus is placed on exposing the human condition within oneself it means that the game of blame, shame and forgiveness can be sidestepped.
Then the main thing is to continue challenging and exposing these things within oneself without the constant crippling influence of morality.
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Actuality I just realised a big difference between actualism and morality, that one is indeed allowed to wander off the path, it is inevitable at times and to pretend otherwise is to just pretend haha. Then genuine change can happen but not as a result of a ‘good performance.
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Yes, this has been dawning on me; I can’t hold “both” views and progress.
Having all the “normal” opinions just doesn’t line up with the goal of being happily prepared to “psychic suicide”.
All the normal morality, which is 90% of what a social identity is, just can’t gel with the goal.
I must, if I am to be correctly positioned, rejoice in the happiness of others, reveal in the birthright of everyone to do what they will.
Without that, how can I expect the will to arise in me to do what needs to be done?
Although we can sensibly say “X,y,z” is destructive behaviour and heinous towards peaceful living, it is also the very impetus of “will” which drives forward an actualist.
Petroleum can fuel the car of a rapist, a murderer, and an actualist.
The motive force itself needs to be free, which is why the only question I ask is “what is pure intent?” Then let the drive live me.
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So a while ago I was watching some random video of Andrew Tate hanging out with a bunch of influencers, I don’t know why but this video had a profound effect on how I understand the human condition
I remember watching him moving about and interacting with others, I could see the actual flesh and blood body called Andrew Tate, I could see that at the same time this body is possessed by a parasitic entity which goes about causing all sorts of mayhem. I never observed it so clearly, I could see that the body is intrinsically benign and likeable whilst the identity… maybe not so much lol I could see that the entity is forever separated from the actual and that it is also a complete illusion onto itself, it lives in a state of confusion and anguish.
This video is somehow lodged in my memory and keeps being resurrected as a reminder of who ‘I’ am vs what I am as this flesh and blood body, I have lost count of how many times in the past few weeks this memory has resurfaced and had quite a profound effect on my experiencing, serendipity indeed 
.
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Aah yes…I second this…“intrinsically likeable” is precisely the description that came to me too !
The identity on the other hand is a hair trigger entity forever scared n ready to attack…no wonder it is intrinsically unlikable
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There’s a bit in Richard’s journal that I have always found fascinating, he writes that during the young years a person learns how to be sad, afraid, lonely, insecure, essentially by copying those around.
At first reading this I thought it’s kinda weird because the passions are there to begin with so do we really learn how to be sad for example? It seems such a core thing that it must be innate.
It poses a really interesting question of just how much it is possible to whittle ‘me’ down.
It also poses an interesting question of just how much of what we take as set in stone is actually just there unnecessarily.
What I am finding is that indeed those things are learnt. It seems that the passions are only the raw energy that is then moulded into the sophisticated, into various emotions including being sad, afraid, lonely etc. Essentially those emotions are acted out, through repetition they are perfected and made real, made into ‘me’.
I could see this happening this morning, I woke up and there was a tinge of sadness/resentment and I could see the very structure of this emotion being exactly that - like a learnt, repeated and polished act. Through time this act becomes worked into a structure in its own right, into ‘me’. The fascinating thing is that as Richard says what is learnt can be unlearned so I am intrigued to see in practice just how far it is possible to whittle this thing down. Although it does get into weird territory at that point, stepping away from the very things that make ‘me’ ‘human’.
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Something fun came up this morning, it was reading @Srinath’s post about mimetic desire a while ago which set this seeing in motion - Road block - #18 by Srinath
Since reading that post I have observed how ‘my’ reality is this constantly shifting construct, what’s more interesting though is that this construct is constantly adjusted/arises out of the responses that I get from others and more specifically the responses I feel from others.
This is quite big because really it shows the utter fallibility of this construct - as in it has no chance whatsoever of reflecting that which is actually the case. It is funny though how such a fallible construct, such an incorrect assessment of what is actually the case is felt to be intuitively true beyond doubt, as in when ‘I’ feel passionately about something.
Really what I am saying is that a feeling is not a fact but it was seeing the intricacies of why this is the case which really hit me this morning.
It happened because I was doing some training with one of my students yesterday and during our sparring I felt some kind of a angry/irritated/pissed off vibe from him (at least this is what I thought I detected). Then I woke up this morning and I was somehow feeling like I did something wrong, like there is something wrong with me, that I have something to apologise for, that I am not good enough, that I have some atonement to do - essentially I created an entire self-centred story surrounding this thing which I felt. This story I believed to be a true reflection of what happened - “he must have been pissed off with me because I was going too hard on him and really he thinks I am a lousy coach” etc.
This entire construct was my reality - I really truly believed that this was what was happening and I was already planning different ways in which I was going to approach these problems.
Then this thought occurred - what if that which I ‘detected’ as him being angry at me was actually him being frustrated with himself for the myriad of reasons possible?
Of course I don’t know but putting this possibility in front of myself made the whole thing fall apart as if it was made from sand, I saw that entire construct I created (and was so heavily invested in) was based on something so fallible, something that is not even as reliable as a guess, because a guess can at least be intelligent This is pure affectively fed speculation.
Then I could see what the affective faculty does to the intellect. I saw that genuine certainty and confidence comes from that which is ascertained sensately, from the actual. Whereas that which comes from the ‘inside’ is illusion and delusion. It cannot be relied on at all, and yet it is felt to be fundamentally true.
It was quite a freeing seeing because it showed that the sorrowful story of ‘my’ life is not even close to being the case it’s actually quite impressive that ‘I’ can sell such an incorrect assessment to ‘myself’ and then believe it to be true.
And this is the story of being ‘human’, going around feeling that truly life is this and that way, that it is fundamentally wrong. And having all the best reasons why it is the case, they seem so true!
And actually it is all so wrong, so incorrect that it’s staggering to contemplate and so freeing to see!
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They can only get to you because they are you.
So, this or that person can have all sorts of learnt ways of manipulating others, but it only works because we are made out of exactly the same stuff.
So, someone learns to project their own frustration as anger onto others. Another learns to project their own frustration as sorrow, and that’s probably about all there is.
Either we are putting out anger, or we are putting out sorrow.
Then we have these elaborate constructions on what to do now.
As you rightly put it, we create the problems to then justify ourselves solving the problems.
The more we do it, the more real we seem.
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There is only one solution, stop being!
But I will get back to you on that one, I am busy solving problems I created. 
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The funniest thing is that for all I know he could have stubbed his toe during the sparring and had an automatic reaction of frustration, or any number of things and then my feeling process created an entire monster out of this. We are all going round doing this and sorta ‘bouncing’ off each other constantly.
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