Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Vineeto: What you mentally seem to be conflating here (even your experience is very clear) is sensuosity on one hand and the psycho-somatic experience of suppressed emotions (dissociation) on the other, which has been a coping mechanism for you, elevated to a spiritual practice via Vipassana and DhO ideology. [Emphasis by Kuba].
Kuba: Yes I even remember a pivotal moment when I first entered into dissociation at 12. It was when I arrived at school in the UK, fresh from Poland and in a totally new culture. During a dance lesson it all hit me at once, the change was just way too much to face, and I remember exactly that sense of pulling back and the world becoming vaporous, I escaped what I could not possibly face back then by going into dissociation. I actually stayed in that state for several years, I would not speak to anybody other than a yes/no and in the classroom I would simply leave the body and escape into somewhere else.
Then as I got older I tried to deal with what happened by using various self-help approaches, which they inevitably were sourced from the Spiritual viewpoint, so they only compounded the problem! Then it was the PCE at 18 that was the changing point of my life, BUT since there was no other alternative I ended up chasing Vipassana meditation, again compounding the problem…
I had this dream not long ago where I viscerally experienced myself to be in that place where Richard was when he was trapped in Enlightenment. To know that one is living in a total delusion and yet there being no-one that could possibly help, no precedent and no way to know for sure how to proceed, and yet knowing that there must be a way. Of course it was just a dream and I am not enlightened but I am full of admiration for what Richard did. Because the degree of dissociation that I have been in has already been hell, and I fully appreciate how rotten that whole business is, especially for it to be propagated as some kind of solution.
We spoke about this between ourselves at the convivium, what a joy it is when in a PCE or near-PCE to even just actually sense the air, for it to have actual substance, or for space to actually exist – 3D, rather than being empty, as it is in reality. It is so precious to come closer and closer to actually being here.
And it is lovely that allowing sensuosity is exactly the way! (link)
Hi Kuba,
Thank you for this detailed report of your experience with disassociation and dissociation – I understand better now how you have gradually extricated yourself from this “coping mechanism” being increasingly confident that it is no longer necessary. This description in particular is always something to look out for and decline, not just for you but for everyone – it is an especially pernicious self-deception –
Kuba: And that was the flavour of the “actualist inspired practices” of the DHO. To use one’s mind and ‘collect the pieces’ in order to fabricate the experience, which would appear to be the experience of actuality but in fact it was a fabrication! (link)
I am very pleased that you recognize and experienced “how rotten that whole business [of dissociation and enlightenment] is” and you may have also read Richard’s story of his own ‘unreality’ experience during his war-zone experience (link). What great progress to now be able to fully enjoy and appreciate the very opposite, the sensate and sensuous experience of physically being here, having “actual substance” and experiencing yourself via the senses.
There is no need to worry about fluctuation between full sensuosity and more quiet times, perhaps even fear of it being too much. It is entirely natural when it gets too much to pull back … to then be able to go forward again. That’s the way to get used to the waves of increasing sensate and sensuous pleasure when you allow yourself to be here.
Cheers Vineeto