Hi Vineeto,
I wanted to bring something else up which I think is far more fruitful to explore. There have always been all sorts of feelings when writing to you, and we have explored quite a few of them already. What is left now I have been able to narrow down to a feeling of embarrassment.
It feels literally as if I am a child again and I have wet my pants and now I am trying to cover up what happened. But this ‘wet patch’ I am trying to cover up is that I have/I am a human nature. And I remember you mentioned that this foolish feeling can be a precursor to naivete.
I can see that the feelings I have been exploring lately - the guilt, shame and embarrassment are all under that same umbrella of self-consciousness, they are all different flavours of the same thing. I can also see that in becoming self-conscious about having/being a human nature I have made the issue personal, as if I am the only human being on earth born that way. So when I hide my human nature I make it seem like it is a personal issue.
And then just a minute ago I did experience that when allowing this self-consciousness to no longer be at arms length, that naivete is just past it, immediately there was this familiar sparkle in the air all around. So it is like those feelings under the umbrella of self-consciousness are literally a blockade to naivete. Because naively enjoying and appreciating necessarily includes all of ‘me’, which means that in order to allow it ‘I’ cannot be busy hiding parts of ‘myself’, the gay abandon aspect of naivete is because there is no longer any need to hide.
The other thing I can see is that this feeling that I need to hide that I am human nature is something like an unwillingness to accept that human beings have an animal heritage, being ashamed at that being the case, and this also blocks naivete. Because naivete is about getting closer and closer to what I am, and this necessarily includes fully acknowledging that human beings have an animal heritage.