There was 2 more things that came of all this. Firstly it does look like something clicked, because later on when I read back that post, and I read the part where I still believed it was some noble “inspiring through excellence” I had very much this sense of “how could I have been such a fool to believe this”.
But then there has been this other feeling pop up, this one @Andrew knows well 
That sometime after, like an attack out of nowhere, this feeling of “what on earth have I just written, what if I am completely wrong, off by a mile. Have I just made an utter fool of myself, have I just demonstrated my complete lack of understanding of the actualism method” etc.
I know this feeling well because I have experienced it many times writing so much, and I guess so far I have kind of accepted it as par for the course of looking to expose ‘myself’. But really I would much rather be without it. Of course I will be wrong about many things yet to come but why does it have to be such a drama every time? This one has dogged me for a while now and would certainly like to get to the bottom of it.