Ok so I have been skilfully manoeuvring those obstacles (the morning resentments and the evening gloom) and I can see now what has been going on and what is needed to proceed. Effectively it is that the old has to go in order to make way for the new. There is a caveat when one wants to proceed down the wide and wondrous path, which is that ‘I’ will not remain as ‘I’ am. Those obstacles are the outlines of who ‘I’ am, with the various conditional enjoyments and feelings, hence the ebbs and flows.
I can see now that putting the actualism method into practice is essentially what ‘I’ do in order to put ‘my’ money where ‘my’ mouth is with regards to ‘my’ eventual demise. In that how could ‘I’ possibly agree to ‘my’ extinction if ‘I’ am not even willing to abandon those various outlines of who ‘I’ am.
The reason ‘I’ did not break out in the past is that ‘I’ was not even willing to allow the above, so any interest in ‘my’ self-immolation can only be kidding ‘myself’. This is likely why there was such severe resistance from ‘my’ side and trying to push past it would only mount the resistance even higher leading to eventual burnout.
Where pure intent beckons there is not even a shred of the old, and pure intent cannot be “worked into” those outlines of ‘me’, I mean that would be a bastardisation anyways so that’s a good thing. Those outlines of ‘me’ have to be left behind, that is the way to proceed.
Also what I noticed today is that the resistance ‘I’ put up is not to be pushed through, the resistance is when ‘I’ am not in agreement, it does have to be skilfully manoeuvred but I noticed that the wide and wondrous place is not so much past the resistance, it’s more adjacent to it lol. It’s when ‘I’ see the resistance for what it is ‘I’ am back on the wide and wondrous path. Essentially one does not go deeper into the woods when lost.