Richard wrote in his journal that it is the man’s identification with authority as the ultimate and the woman’s identification with love as the ultimate which is what stands in the way of intimacy. Indeed I can see this is the case, with authority in my case.
In that there is the ‘me’ that ‘I’ assert ‘myself’ to be in relation to ‘others’ - this I can see is an immediate obstacle in the way of intimacy.
I can see that in my life I invested into becoming a ‘someone in relation to others’, this is ‘my’ apparent individuality. So initially when allowing intimacy it seems as if I am giving up my very individuality, yet when I look at just what this ‘individuality’ consists of, it is based in separation.
Whatever place ‘I’ have carved for ‘myself’ within the hierarchy it is actually what reinforces ‘me’ as a separative entity and gets in the way of intimacy.
I can very much see that this has been ‘my’ major gripe with getting close to others, in that ‘my’ “splendid isolation” as Devika put it, would have to go. And for ‘me’ as the ‘high achiever’ this meant giving up all that ‘I’ worked for in order to distinguish ‘myself’.
And so to consider allowing intimacy it is experienced as if ‘I’ am disarming ‘myself’, in that ‘I’ will no longer be a ‘someone in particular’ with the power and authority that this might entail.
Now I have already investigated the hierarchy, power and authority and I can see that this entire construct is truly rotten. There is no longer a desire to pursue anything in that direction, there is just this remaining feeling of vulnerability, that without any power/authority or being ‘someone in particular’ that ‘I’ will be left vulnerable.
Of course in practice it never plays out that way, getting close to others delivers the goods, it’s more like ‘I’ still have that power/authority there in the back-pocket, ready to be pulled out when/if needed.
This is what I wrote about the other day, that ‘I’ feel this need to maintain some kind of an ‘edge’, and it is this feeling of vulnerability which is why ‘I’ would want to maintain any ‘edge’.
And I find the above is particularly interesting with male to male relating, to consider removing that ‘edge’, and I have been doing this exactly with a guy that happens to come to my lunch-time BJJ classes which are typically very quiet and sometimes it is just me and him.
And it is fascinating to be one on one with another male, practicing a combat sport and yet allowing a relating without that ‘edge’. And actually it’s been super nice and not weird at all haha. Which is especially interesting because he is a big bodybuilder looking dude who works as a door-man, so it’s particularly fun that we are interacting without that ‘edge’.