Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

@Vineeto

It is quite simple – what were you feeling at the time and shortly before the incident?

@Kub933

I sat for about 20min just now and I don’t know if I can provide an accurate answer here. I have certainly observed how competitiveness can segue into aggression during hard sparring. It’s a little like when one plays with a dog and as the intensity builds there can be this ‘switch’ that happens when all of a sudden it’s no longer play. But it get’s pretty difficult to distinguish these shifts during competitive sparring rounds. What I can say that there was certainly a sense of intense competitiveness which means it is likely there was aggression underlying it, although I don’t even know if at this level competitiveness can be distinguished from aggression. As in as soon as I enter that competitive mindset - of winning at all cost - then likely I am already ‘being’ aggression.

Also this was a very long winded and cunning way of saying that there was aggression there. I was feeling aggression, and in fact this competitiveness is driven by aggression. So of course when an incident happens there is the guilt, shame etc

The other thing is that I don’t enjoy those kinds of rounds, of course not becasue that competitiveness is driven by aggression and it can have all those ugly outcomes as well.

The reason I could be cunning about it is becasue it is like a “sanctioned aggression”, it can be explained away “due to the nature of the sport” etc But it is aggression nevertheless, it is far from clean.

And seeing first hand what my aggression is capable of causing (no matter if sanctioned or not) swung all the rest of the drama and the avoidance tactics in. And now the above posts are basically demonstrations of that cunning and the avoidance tactics.

But yes to answer the question which unravels this whole sorry mess is that it was aggression, and it was coming face to face with the outcomes of my aggression that caused such a shock.

And the same with situation no2, it was coming face to face with the outcomes of my pursuit of the good feelings that caused such a shock.